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Optimist: "the glass is half full"
Pessimist: "the glass in half empty"
    2020:  "that's pee isn't it?..."
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Optimist: "the glass is half full"
Pessimist: "the glass in half empty"
Realist: Gets a smaller glass to hold the water that the Pessimist has to change their perspective.
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Margaret: Ooohhhhhhh!!😁😁
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Not funny, awful, and nobody is to laugh - Rod Little's column in yesterday's Sunday Times:

"The Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro, was out politicking in the regions, kissing babies and so on. He stooped down to lift up a small child.

"Bad move. It was not a small child. It was a querulous dwarf. Bolsonaro kind of dropped him quite rapidly and moved away with a 'this-didn't-happen' look on his face.

"What kind of president do we have who can't tell a child from a dwarf, some of the attendees asked, presumably rhetorically. Bolsonaro supporters argued that it was hard to tell when everyone's wearing facemasks.

"Expect the easily confused president to issue a new edict demanding that all dwarves must have 'dwarf' stamped on their foreheads in indelible ink."
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And another:
Optimist: "the glass is half full"
Pessimist: "the glass in half empty"
Realist: “the glass is empty, please pass the bottle”
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A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 Hurricanes
Bartender says...
That'll be $20.20
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Thanks to all for the jokes and humor. They are more welcome than ever these days.
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I’ve got a few wine jokes, so we can be a bit less pure than ‘Church Chuckles’. This one is about how to treat good wine:

Open the bottle and allow it to breathe.

If it doesn’t seem to be breathing, give it mouth to mouth.
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Don't ask me to explain this but men should not buy underwear from companies in Asia.
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Let me guess Yoda.......not big enough where it counts.😂
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People say that drinking milk makes you stronger. Rubbish!
Drink 5 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. Can’t?
Drink 5 glasses of wine and the wall moves by itself.
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My 93yr-old mom w/ dementia wants Pool Boy to visit her.

"Mom," I explained, "we don't even have a pool."

"Does our pastor neighbor's SWING count?" she countered.
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Back to a Church Chuckle from a Parish magazine:

‘The Local Council have agreed to our request to change the name of the cul-de-sac where our new aged care site will be erected. They agreed to our submission that ‘St Peter’s Close’ could be misinterpreted.’
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BB was deep in prayer when he asked the Lord, " I do all the work, While my wife sits at home and does nothing, Dear lord please switch us so she will finally see how much I actually work." The lord in his infinite wisdom fulfilled his request BB woke up the next morning with a few additional parts, if you know what I mean, well he/she went down and made breakfast, then he took the kids to school, then he/she had to take lunch to the now male wife, and after that take lunch to the kids, then rush home and make supper, after supper wash the dishes, then clean up the house, and still make love that night, after the days events BB was praying to God again and said, "This is alot harder than I thought please make me a man again." The Lord said, " I would love to but you got pregnant last night."
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From the 'Stone Age Wine Selection' book:

If it tries to eat us, serve it with red. If it runs away from us, serve it with white.
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I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
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Did you know it is against the law to carry a gun and a box of salt into a store?


It is a salt with a deadly weapon. :)
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road -


I asked him "what's the word on the street?"
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Where are average things manufactured?


The SATISFACTORY.
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A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me - I'm addicted to twitter!"


to which the doctor replies:


"Sorry, I don't follow you..."
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If you like exercising, here's one for you:

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats



Oooh - that sounds painful!
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Sorry, I've been in a funk all day --


What did one hat say to the other?

You wait here. I'll go on a head.
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I also needed a break from the serious stuff!!

What did the shark say when he ate a clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.
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Hi! My DH (and I try all jokes on him to see if he laughs), did laugh about the hat, but he reckons that church chuckles are usually better, even though he didn't expect it from a religious joke book. Thanks for your contributions, nobodygetsit.

Here is my last one from the 'wine' collection:

Every time I say the dirty word exercise,
I have to wash my mouth out with red wine and chocolate.
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@ "MargaretMcKen,"

Glad your DH thought the "hat" joke was funny - so did I!

As far as him thinking the church chuckles are better - that is just another example of how we all like different things like foods, music, movies... and jokes.

Just like the old saying goes "different strokes for different folks!"
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Gee, I'm still in a funk today too - Here's one for the bagel lovers!


How do you keep a bagel from getting away? (besides me eating it :))


Put "lox" on it.
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No offense meant -

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?


THANKS - I'll never part with it!
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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison
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What is an astronaut's favorite part on a computer?


The space bar.
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A bear walks into a bar and says "give me a whiskey and...........cola"

"Why the big pause" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugs.

"I'm not sure; I was born with them."
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