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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.
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Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.
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Here's one for the typist - actually, that's probably everyone nowadays because of computers!

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender.

"We don't serve your type!"
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There was a distraught patient who phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true" the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so" the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued.....
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked.."NO REFILLS".
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Questions to make you ponder....
Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk ..it is still full

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash...why isn't the whole plane made out of the stuff.

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges did not grow in it?

Light travels faster than sound, so is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
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Last for the day..
"Sometimes I want to ask God why He allows injustice, violence and evil, when He could do something about it" said one man to his friend.
"So, why don't you ask Him?" the friend responded.
"I don't like to", answered the first,.."because He might ask me the same thing."
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Life is like a helicopter.

I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
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Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?


Because he lost his filling.


(I hope I find it because it's so good!)
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Why did the M&M go to school?


It wanted to be a Smartie.


(I love you M&M's just the way you are - don't go changing...)
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It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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@ "97yroldmom,"

Loved it - but, you had me going when I read the first line on the news feed and I was scratching my head wondering why it would be posted on the joke thread! :)

My husband's younger nephew actually had a PB Doughboy costume 24 years ago when he was 15 and he had just the right personality for it - he's changed careers since then from being in the bakery business to now being a lawyer!!
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Hear about the new restaurant called "Karma?"


There's no menu;


You get what you deserve!
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and "twitches?"


A nervous wreck.
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For all the moms out there -


A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"


"Don't worry" said the Doc. Those are just contractions."
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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?


He was just going through a stage.
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Why are pirates called pirates?


Because they arrgh!
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Great idea! I recently read about someone who's parent refused to get a hearing aid. I can relate to that. "Oh my God"! I can pull up in the driveway, my car windows up, the house closed tighter than a drum, and I can hear that t.v. cranking loud! Every day I have to tell him to turn the t.v. down so I can talk to him and that's at the top of my voice! It used to really bother me in the beginning but I'm probably deaf now too so it doesn't matter!
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Short history of medicine:
2000 BC Here, eat this compound of root..
100's AD Don't touch that root, it is the tool of the devil, Say this prayer.
1850's AD That prayer is pure superstition, drink this potion
1940's AD Believe me that potion is snake oil, swallow this pill
1970's AD That pill is ineffective, you must take this antibiotic
2000's AD That antibiotic is artificial, Here, eat this compound of root.
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Senior citizens at the retirement community are talking about their ailments.
My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup...
Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee...
I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck...
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy....
Well I guess that's the price we pay for getting old. It's not all that bad, we should be thankful that we can still drive!
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A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size or her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said.
"That's right!" he said "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family".
With that she tossed her panties to him and said, "Try these on"
He looked at her..
"Go on" she urged, "go on"
He tried to put them on and found he could only get them to his kneecap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties"
She said "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes"
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I just read this from the BBC World News proving that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction!

"A man has blown up part of his house in France while trying to swat a fly.

The man, who is in his 80s, was about to tuck into his dinner when he became irritated by a fly buzzing around him.
He picked up an electric racket designed to kill bugs and start swatting at it - but a gas canister was leaking in his Dordogne home.
A reaction between the racket and the gas caused an explosion, destroying the kitchen and partly damaging the roof of the home in Parcoul-Chenaud village.
According to local media, the unnamed man had a lucky escape, sustaining just a burn to the hand.
However, the fate of the fly is not known, news outlet Sud-Ouest notes."
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The Laws of Relaxation:
1) If you are looking forward to just three good social events, you will find they all happen on the same evening. Probably the TV will be good that night, too.
2) If you’re watching TV, the cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks totally adorable, you will need to go to the toilet.
3) TV spectator sports save their exciting moments for when you have actually gone to the toilet.

GRRRRH
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“I gave my cat a bath the other day. You know, I’d always heard you weren’t supposed to give cats baths, but my cat came home, and he was really dirty and I decided to give him a bath, and it was great. If you have a cat, don’t worry about it. They love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me, you know, and uh—the fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that, you know, it was great!”

early Steve Martin
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The Law of the Jungle:
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together – but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
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dfghj443's spam post reported.  I thought this scam died sometime ago, but apparently the scammer is persistent.

I think dfghj443 needs a spellcaster to explain to her what spamming is.
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The Law of the Wild Wild West:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

The Law for Visitors to the Wild Wild West:
Never eat at a place called Mom’s.
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never talk more than 10 minutes with someone with more troubles than you.
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My 90 year old friend saw her DO yesterday and had the following interaction with the doctor:

Doctor: wow Mrs. F, you are a bit stiff.

Mrs. F: I am an old stiff, hahaha.

Doctor: you're an old stiff?

Mrs. F: Yes, I am an old stiff, but not as stiff as I am going to be.

This is why I love this woman. Everyone in the room busted up laughing, so I thought that I would share.
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The Law of Politics:
No matter what they’re telling you, they’re not telling you the whole truth.
No matter what they’re talking about, they’re talking about money.
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Flight Laws:

Never stab a fork into a cherry tomato.

As soon as coffee is served, the flight will encounter turbulence.

Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
(Sophisticated travelers guess turkey or veal)
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Why can't you explain "puns" to kleptomaniacs?


They always take things literally.
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