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What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?


A receding hare-line.
(3)
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?


Between you and me, something smells.
(4)
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Mother-in-law Assessment Code:

Stop – Look ---Listen ---Run
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A man goes to a talent agent with his dog and claims the dog can talk. The talent agent asks for a demonstration. The man asks the dog, "What is the top part of a building called?" The dog says, "Roof, roof!" Next the man asks, "What is the texture of sandpaper?" The dog says, "Rough, rough!" Finally the man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth, Ruth!" The talent agent is disgusted and tells them both to get out.

Once outside, the dog turns to the man and says, "So, I should have said Dimaggio?"
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An old gentleman stocked up on 2 boxes of ammo because he heard there was a shortage. He put the boxes of ammo on his front passenger seat and stopped for gas on the way home. A nice-looking young blonde in a short skirt happened to see the boxes of ammo, leaned into the passenger side window, and said, "Hey, old fella, I believe in barter. How about trading sex for ammo?"

The old gent thought it over for a few seconds and replied, "I don't know. What kind of ammo ya' got?"
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Considerations Regarding Marriage:

Pregnancy is when you can’t say ‘Let’s just forget the whole thing’.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportionate to the cost of the wedding.
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Kitchen Laws:

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Every good cook should have principles – mine is to finish the bottle.
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My husband and I went into a small cafe that was a town in and of itself. It had a grocery store, feed store, gas station, trailer rental, post office and the cafe.

The following actually took place.


Waitress: Do you have any questions or are you ready to order?

My husband: Yes, I was wondering if the chili was fresh?

Waitress: Yes Sir, we just opened the can this morning.

We still laugh about the incident and how generational differences can be so funny.
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Sitting with her cat, an old woman is polishing a lamp she found in the attic. Suddenly a genie appears and offers her 3 wishes.
She wishes to be rich, to be young again and for her cat to be turned into a handsome prince...
As she melts into his embrace, he whispers to her.."Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered"....
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The Law of Fashion says that the same dress is:
1) Indecent ten years before its time
2) Daring one year before its time
3) Chic in its time
4) Dowdy three years after its time
5) Ridiculous thirty years after its time
6) Amazing a hundred years after its time.
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Today I found my first grey pubic hair.
I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
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Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
(7)
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Why is constipation like math?
Because sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil.
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He who laughs last, probably didn't get the joke in the first place.
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The problem with Doctors is they will cure you to death, they take an oath!
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Variations on a theme:

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
The race is not always to the swift, but that’s the way to bet.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.
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Ahhh, for old times sake -


Why can't male ants sink?


They're buoy-ant.


(Just wanted to be silly!)
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Nobodygetsit, I’m sure you realise that I buy Op shop books of jokes, looking for things to give our site friends at least a smile. Then I give the books back to an Op shop and buy some more. Your puns are making me regret getting rid of ‘Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids’, which was about 90% puns. I thought no-one could keep down the rising gorge, and I just gave up on it. Your jokes are proving how wrong I was! By the way, I apologise for the lift grey hair joke, it was funny but pretty gross, I won’t do it again.

Thanks to all the posters who help on this, and thanks to the 'thumbs uppers' who encourage us. I was ashamed a few months ago when a new poster asked mournfully why there was nothing to cheer her up, and decided to try a lot harder. South Australia where I live has social distancing rules but no current community Covid transmission, so visiting the local Op shops, signing in, hand sanitising and then heading for the ‘humor’ books is a new hobby.
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True story joke (although some may not find this humorous) - cousin told me that down the street from her childhood home was a funeral parlor and she and I used to hide in coffins. I said "No, not me - do I look like I would do that?" I do not joke and on the rare chance that I may, not one person would get the joke.
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Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.


He kept leaving littles messages around the house.



(our dog leaves littles messages in the yard without eating Scrabble tiles :) )
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Heard a stupid joke earlier. It’s lame but here goes...

Why is the basketball wet? Because it kept getting dribbled on.

Told you it was dumb. 😊
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From my eight year old nephew...

I would tell you a poop joke, but it stinks.
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How to test yourself for the corona virus

Step one: pour a glass of wine and try to smell it
Step two: if you can smell the wine then drink some wine to see if you can taste it
Step three: great, if you can smell and taste the wine you can confirm that you don't have the corona virus

Last night I did the test 9 times just to make sure and all were negative, thank God. Tonight I'm going to take the test again though because I woke up with a headache and I feel like I might be coming down with something. I'm so nervous!
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I got a book of Jewish jokes, some of them probably funnier if you have more background than I do. I liked the one about the middle aged man who goes back to the old country to see his old Jewish grandmother. He’s changed his name to Sam, and married a wife who is clearly not Jewish. ‘Sam, do you still go to the synagogue on Saturday?’. ‘Well it’s really difficult for business reasons, Grandma’. ‘Do you still eat Kosher food?’ ‘Grandma I often can’t, once again it’s hard when you go to a restaurant with a business colleague’.

Grandma looks worried but trying to understand. Then she stops to ask anxiously: ‘You still circumcised, Sam?’
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Here's one for the "coffee" lovers:


Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.
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New mother with triplets in a pusher meets MIL’s friend in the street. She says ‘There have never been triplets in your family before’. New mother, proudly, ‘Yes the doctor says it only happens once in a million times’. Friend ‘My goodness, when did you manage to do the housework?’.
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Cwillie
love the wine joke. Have to add it to my collection. 🍷
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I absolutely feel I will need that Covid test by Friday night 🍷🍷🤣🤣
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Jewish mother meets friend and stops to chat. ‘My son is seeing a psychiatrist’ she says proudly. Friend doesn’t quite know how to respond, and says ‘Oh dear, I’m sorry’. Matriarch says ‘Sorry nothing. He goes twice a week, pays $70 a time, and all he does is talk about me!’.
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Bumper Sticker:
If God did not want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?
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