I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
They are too wrapped up in themselves.
What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
Hope everyone is enjoying the Halloween season! Do some pumpkin carving!
Holidays will be different this year! Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My neighbor has his usual Halloween decorations up. I will miss seeing the trick or treaters that we always have in my neighborhood. Love all of the adorable kids in costumes!
What's grosser than gross?
Ans: Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.
Has anyone seen this thread:
"Grossed out and need to vent- Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!"
It is also gross.
On a lighter note? Hmmm.....
Hmmmm.....
Sorry, can't think of anything.
To get into heaven you have to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god tells you a joke, and if you laugh then you go to hell. A brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then a red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "Why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"
Sometimes it's good to be a dummy!
I'm a blonde but I've been a few other colors in my lifetime so far. ;-)
An impasta!
You crack me up.
(ha, ha the yoke's on you!)
What's an egg's favorite type of coffee?
An eggspresso!
(does a McDonald's Senior Coffee count? It does for 55 cents)
A little horse.
(Of course!)
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.
With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The joke below is Joke #1.....
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Three things to think about:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
The parrot says again "Jesus is watching."
The burglar says "Hey, cool. You can talk. What's your name?"
The parrot says "My name is Moses."
The burglar snorts and says "What kind of morons name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot responds "The same morons who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
"So, Mike, what do you think of her?"
"I'll be honest, Pat. She's not a very good cook, is she?"
"True."
"And she doesn't act all that nice to you."
"Again true."
"Can't she wear more than a bathrobe and slippers when company comes?"
"I guess not."
"So what's the attraction, Pat?"
"She can drive at night."
Cannot believe they served "mice" burgers.
Is this a typo I asked? Did you mean nice burgers?
I ordered one to try it.
As I sat there, staring at it, the burger ate my cheese!
One says, "Lookout, here comes a Saint Bernard".
The other, says, "I just opened a new branch".
Thats one of my favorite quotes! Glad to see it.
The way I remember it is
There is so much bad in the best of us
And so much good in the worst of us
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
I memorized it that way as a deterrent to gossiping in my 20s. Lol
I think it’s attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson.
I heard it on an audio book and it did not credit it to anyone, I just thought it was a great saying and so timely.
Because he kneaded the dough.
(now that takes the cake - actually, I could use some bread myself!)