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Why don’t mummies have friends?

They are too wrapped up in themselves.
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One more Halloween joke!

What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

Hope everyone is enjoying the Halloween season! Do some pumpkin carving!

Holidays will be different this year! Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My neighbor has his usual Halloween decorations up. I will miss seeing the trick or treaters that we always have in my neighborhood. Love all of the adorable kids in costumes!
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I've got a really gross joke. I apologize in advance to any who might get offended.

What's grosser than gross?

Ans: Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.
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Gershun, that is gross!

Has anyone seen this thread:

"Grossed out and need to vent- Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!"

It is also gross.
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Sorry for the grossness.

On a lighter note? Hmmm.....
Hmmmm.....

Sorry, can't think of anything.
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Hahaha, Gershun!
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On the subject of god and blondes...

To get into heaven you have to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god tells you a joke, and if you laugh then you go to hell. A brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then a red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "Why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"

Sometimes it's good to be a dummy!

I'm a blonde but I've been a few other colors in my lifetime so far. ;-)
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I'm just home from work on Saturday night, was a busy shift and I'm a bit slap happy. lol I'll probably read that joke tomorrow and groan, but right now it's making me giggle. Humor is very subjective!
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What do you call a fake noodle?



An impasta!
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What did the egg say to the chef?


You crack me up.


(ha, ha the yoke's on you!)
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I'm still in breakfast mode for a lazy, relaxing Sunday morning -


What's an egg's favorite type of coffee?


An eggspresso!


(does a McDonald's Senior Coffee count? It does for 55 cents)
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Gross, yes, but thanks for making us smile!!
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What do you call a pony with a cough?


A little horse.


(Of course!)
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
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There was a guy named Bill who wanted to buy a horse. He saw a horse for sale online so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "This horse is a Christian horse. It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord" and the horse is running fast. Now Bill sees the cliff right ahead and says: "AMEN." The horse stops and Bill says: "Whew! Praise the lord!"
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
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JOKE #2
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The joke below is Joke #1.....
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Joke # 3
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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Joke #5

Three things to think about:

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
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ha ha, where did #4 go?
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A burglar breaks into a home. While he is ransacking the house, he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching". He shine his flashlight around and sees a parrot in a cage.
The parrot says again "Jesus is watching."
The burglar says "Hey, cool. You can talk. What's your name?"
The parrot says "My name is Moses."
The burglar snorts and says "What kind of morons name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot responds "The same morons who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
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Pat and Mike are lifelong friends. Mike is happy for Pat when, after 2 years of being a widower, Pat calls to invite Mike to dinner to meet Pat's new wife. Mike gets through the dinner okay and excuses himself soon after. Pat walks Mike out to Mike's car.
"So, Mike, what do you think of her?"
"I'll be honest, Pat. She's not a very good cook, is she?"
"True."
"And she doesn't act all that nice to you."
"Again true."
"Can't she wear more than a bathrobe and slippers when company comes?"
"I guess not."
"So what's the attraction, Pat?"
"She can drive at night."
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A cafe was putting burgers on the menu.
Cannot believe they served "mice" burgers.
Is this a typo I asked? Did you mean nice burgers?

I ordered one to try it.
As I sat there, staring at it, the burger ate my cheese!
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Trees really do talk to each other.

One says, "Lookout, here comes a Saint Bernard".

The other, says, "I just opened a new branch".
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There is so bad in the best of us; so much good in the worst of us; that it ill behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us.
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Is that a joke, RealyReal? Seems more like a great axiom to me. And it's a great one, and is SO true! I'm writing it into my "commonplace book".
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ITRR
Thats one of my favorite quotes! Glad to see it.
The way I remember it is

There is so much bad in the best of us
And so much good in the worst of us
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us.

I memorized it that way as a deterrent to gossiping in my 20s. Lol
I think it’s attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson.
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97 yours is the correct way, I missed a word. Oops! That's what happens when I post before my 1st cup of java. I read and reread it and didn't catch the missing "much" thank you for posting it as it should have been.

I heard it on an audio book and it did not credit it to anyone, I just thought it was a great saying and so timely.
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Why did the baker rob a bank?


Because he kneaded the dough.


(now that takes the cake - actually, I could use some bread myself!)
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I am going to just talk to the trees.
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