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Sad fact for me is that I am so strongly right handed that I even have trouble washing up the other way. It’s a symptom of my scoliosis, why I was never allowed to play sport as a teenager. My old high school now has a swimming pool, which might have helped back then. But my elder sister, after her devastating stroke aged 26, taught herself to type left handed (and function generally) after RHS paralysis. She still runs a reduced accountancy practise. Go, sister Mary!
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The comment just now when my computer fired up for the day:
"The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics as no other fact can" Wilhelm Reich
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Margaret: The Great Depression was Adolf Hitler's "Ace in the pocket" FOR. A. MINUTE.
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Margaret: Your sister is amazing!
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My computer log-on this morning:
‘How come you never see a headline “Psychic wins lottery”.’ Jay Leno
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My computer log-on is doing particularly well at the moment:-

You can’t cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
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‘No-one could have a higher opinion of him than I have. And I think he is a dirty little beast’

WS Gilbert (not about Sullivan, I hope)
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Masks are the New Bra
_They're Uncomfortable
_You only wear them in Public
_And when you don't wear one...
Everyone Notices


Me: Alexa, what's the weather going to be this weekend?
Alexa: Why? Where do you think you're going?
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Yes Houseplant, good one. And like a bra I can't wait to take the mask off as soon as I get in the door.
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‘The only thing Madonna will ever do like a Virgin is give birth in a stable’ - Bette Midler
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What did the gingerbread man said when he saw his gingerbread house on fire?

I had a lot of dough in that house.
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We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Brant, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of us stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Brant and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Brant snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Brant shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Brant into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Brant sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
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The turkey looked up the temperature for Thursday on his cell phone.

It read: 350 degrees.

That can't be right, he gobbled.
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Unfortunately, Thanksgiving is cancelled this year due to Covid.
Sadly, our pet turkey has passed away and we are holding a
visitation. In lieu of flowers, please bring a salad or a side dish.
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Poor old turkeys.😟
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Set them all free I say.

Did you know that whenever I pass by the section of the grocery store that sell live lobsters, crabs and other fish I practically start bawling?

Hubs always laughs cause I always say prayers for them as we walk by.
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Gershun: Too funny!
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Funny but true. 😁
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When I returned to Oz many years ago, I answered an ad for a job, spruiking my legal and accountant qualifications. The ‘employer’ planned to get exemptions as a primary producer, for providing lobster to ‘agist’ in restaurant’s live lobster tanks. I didn’t take the job, but it was instructive about the ethics/ morals of crooks.
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Just thought I would make some of you smile and laugh a little. Enjoy especially you old folks out there. No offence just sayin'. The Annual Check-up:
An 85 year old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.
“So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor inquired.
“Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18 year old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?”
The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.”
“Really?” said Mr Jenkins.
“Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?”
Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?”
“The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.
“No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!”
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I was getting concerned about my weight, so I went and saw my doctor and he immediately put me on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When I returned, the doctor was shocked that I lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
I nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" the Doc asked.
"No, from skipping."
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*In hell*
Excuse me? I was told there would be a special place for me here?
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Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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Badbobby and Menopause Jewelry
>
>Badbobby, being unhappy with the Mrs mood swings,
> bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be
> able to monitor her moods.
>
> They discovered that when She's in a good mood, it
> turns green. When She's in a bad mood, it leaves a
> big frickin red mark on Badbobby's forehead.
>
> Maybe next time BB will buy her a diamond.
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****naughty warning*****


The largest condom factory in the United States burned down. President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Trump: "Oh d*mn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Trump: "Okay, I'll call Boris Johnson and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested..
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL..........
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A friend sent this to me, when stay-at-home orders first started: A woman was bored at home, and she imagined that the inanimate objects were talking to her. The fridge told her to chill out and the mirror told her to be reflective. I added that the coffee maker said to stay grounded. Food for thought: maybe you can think of your own.
Also, I wrote a book about when we took care of my mom, with Alzheimer's, called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." One of the funny anecdotes in there is when my mom wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job (an accounting job) in NY, after college, but what she said was," I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. Here's to the benefits of humor!
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rlynn,

How lovely that you wrote a book about your experience.
Your mom sounds adorable!
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cwille,

LOL 😂 LOVE IT!!!
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Five dollars for a wig is a small price toupee.
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Back in the good old days when we paid in cash for local bus tickets, Adelaide hired out the advertising space on the back of the ticket to Leals, a stationery firm whose boss put a quip as well as an ad. Much mourned, years later. I’ll give us some to remember:

The only man who got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
The howling success – the baby that gets picked up.
People and pins are useless when they lose their heads.

Da-da!
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