mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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I was just going by what you said or meant, Lol. 🤔
Got it - I was just looking at my "edit" but, you combined the joke and edit!!
At least "no" and "know" sound the same :) - lol!
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Yeah!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Forgot what side he was on.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because ....
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because ....
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels knew instinctively how to swim, unfortunately, and liked the slide so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures, so, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more effective strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. After they took the first squirrel and circumcised him, they haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Several squirrels showed up at a retreat, and were sent out on a quest.
Once they returned, the squirrels were deified and made leaders, called their 'spirit animal'.
Other squirrels were recruited and taught to sing and raise their hands.
These squirrels were called worship leaders. Their favorite song, being:
"Christmas, Christmas, don't be late!".
Then their curator said to the squirrels: You have made a real nuisance of yourselves. Go down to the river and be baptized into the same family.
Help your family move logs around to build up the river. Build it back better.
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Looking away so violently as someone in front of you enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
More to come!
I did that less than an hour ago. And I'm afraid I may have said thank you when dismissed.
Sigh, some stereotypes are just true.
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
The plastic bags was for my mother – she threw away my ‘journal’ letters from my trip around India, but kept all those carefully washed plastic bags.
The mess was me, but then I only tidy up if we are having visitors, so it does take a long time.
The haircut was me too, when I was trying to grow my hair (DH2 had a thing about long hair), and realised too late that I was going back to Mia Farrow!
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
He told me to stop going to those places.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.
The weak shall inherit the girth.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
The best way to break a habit is to drop it.
You’re not beaten until you give up!
What did the elderly lady say when asked "What was the best thing about being 104 years old?"
She replied... "No peer pressure!"
The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for chest pains
D is for dental decay
E is for eyesight that can’t read the top line
F is for fluid retention
G is for gas
H is for high blood pressure
I is for lots of incisions
J is for joints that fail to flex
K is for knees that crack all the time
L is for lost libido
M is for memory lapses
N is for pinched nerve, stiff neck or neurosis
O is for osteoporosis
P is for prescriptions that cost a fortune
Q is for queasiness
R is for reflux
S is for sleepless nights
T is for terminal
U is for Urinary issues
V is for vertigo
W is for worry
X is for X-ray
Y is for another year that I am alive
Z is for the zest for survival of all my symptoms and keeping my doctors employed
I thought it was cute! Feel free to add in your own alphabets of aging! 😆
When you are old, "one for the road"means peeing before you leave the house.
So true! My friend made me laugh the other day when she called.
She said that her mom is now wearing black pants everywhere in case of accidents!
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40 but 9:00pm in the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 35 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took me 3 days but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks me what I did at the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can filled with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and I get excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
Cute! Hahaha
🤣
Golden, number 12 is for you!