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12 and 16 sound like me. LOL
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LOL,"cwillie"!!!

I was going to write the #'s of the ones I really liked but, that was getting to be most of them so thought "forget it."
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I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
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cwille,

I think #2 is fabulous!
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In my shoes,

That is a funny story!

My dad’s CRAZY brother pulled a few stunts in his lifetime.

If someone honked at him he would pull out old spare keys that he kept, and throw them out of his car window, turn off ignition, then just sit in the car.

When the person behind him who honked would get out of their car with steam coming out of their ears, screaming at him, he would turn the ignition on with the his set of keys that he was driving with and take off really fast!

He was most certainly out of the box crazy! He never married.

At one point he brought a woman to our house from a foreign country and said that he was getting married!

My mom and dad said that she must be desperate to live in the USA.

Well, she did not marry him. LOL He stayed a bachelor all of his life.

As far as I know, she was the only woman that went out with him for a very brief time!
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I thought "P" was for pee.

By the way "Golden" what age do I need to qualify for "one for the road???"

Love numbers 2 ,6, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20 - lol!
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NGI - gosh, I don't know what age. At 83 I am sure I am well past it. 😉
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"Golden" - I was hoping for something like 55 - now I'm really feeling bad!
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I recently replied to a poster who greatly underestimated stupidity options. At the time, I was re-reading ‘The Darwin Awards’. They are given to people of curious stupidity who have improved the human gene pool by bringing about their own demise. Most are too long to quote, but here’s an example:

A German woman wanted the ultimate photo of ‘the running of the bulls’ in Nimes, southern France. She got over the safety barriers, stood in the middle of the road, camera to her eye, looking for the best photo-shoot angle. She was toppled by a horse whose rider was coming fast in front of the pack, and couldn’t stop in time. She was then ‘trampled by six rampaging bulls’ before being rescued. She died of her injuries in hospital.

Gruesome, but you have to snigger.

Mind you, selfie suicides are now much more common, so stupidity itself has not died. I must check the Darwin Awards site again! They are checked for accuracy, and Honorable Mentions are given for near misses.

If I get enough likes, I'll type in my favorite..
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Margaret: Wow - that story was rich! 🤔
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Two for the drinkers among us:

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on – Dean Martin
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I just can't wait, I've got the book open:

Larry Walters of LA received an amazing honorable mention for the Darwin Awards in 1982.

He bought 45 Army Surplus 4 foot diameter weather balloons, filled them with helium, and attached them to his comfortable lawn-chair. His plan was to float about 30 feet above his backyard. He took with him sandwiches, lite beer, and a pellet gun. Unfortunately when his friends cut the anchor cord, he rose rapidly and leveled off at 16,000 feet, right into the approach corridor of LA’s international airport. Many pilots radioed in ‘incredulous reports of the strange sight’. Eventually Larry shot a few balloons and decended. His wires caught in a power line and blacked out part of LA for some time.

Federal Aviation Admin was not amused. “We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will be filed.”

Yeah, go Larry – He said ‘I’ve fulfilled my 20 year dream to fly!’
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I think it's worth mentioning that involvement of any innocent bystanders leads to automatic disqualification from receipt of a Darwin award. You get it for removing yourself from the gene pool to the general benefit of mankind.

As far as I remember Army surplus quite often has a lot to answer for in these things. Have you got the one about the genius who fired himself into a cliff face, Margaret?
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Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. 
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
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I started up my computer this morning, and got this message:

'I’m depressed. Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but play games and send mail about baseball. And I’ve got this pain right through my CPU. I’ve asked times for it to be fixed but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were just to log out again.'

Yikes – this is true! It usually starts with a joke, but this was a shock!
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If two vegans have a disagreement, is it still called a "beef?"
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The inventor is Velcro has died.

RIP
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Some points to ponder

I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...
where's the beef...
how to get to Sesame Street...
why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...
Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop......
why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton...
 Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...
I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator...
 why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons...
and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going...
why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...
why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...
and just what is Victoria's secret? ....
and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...
and
Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways?
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I'd like to add one to your list CWillie.Why do they make Advil and Tylenol packages such a pain to open. You have to pry that plastic thing that lines the top off. You can't do it with your hands so you have to get something sharp to cut it. Then you have to line up the stupid arrows, pull the cotton piece out. Sigh......By the time I've done all that my headache is ten times worse and I need something stronger.
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Gershun: So true on packaging of pain relievers.🤔
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Not a joke from me but something that made our household laugh until we cried. Who has seen that Texan lawyer who accidentally got turned into a cat on his Zoom meeting? Funniest thing we have seen in a long long time.... those cat’s eyes....
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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

 
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words . This list is an interesting read in today’s world…  
Enjoy! 

 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:   "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, "   said Disraeli,   "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
 
"He had delusions of adequacy   ."
Walter Kerr
 
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
 
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
 
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
 
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
 
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
 
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
 
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
 
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
 
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
 
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
 
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
 
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
 
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
 
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
 
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
 
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
 
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
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97yroldmom, Winston Churchill's digs are Gold Medal good: When accused by a woman of being 'disgustingly drunk' Churchill responded: "My dear, you are ugly, and what�s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly." Ouch!
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I once read a brilliant employee review of someone who really wasn't up to the job: "sets low standards and frequently fails to achieve them". Priceless.
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Geaton: Those were genius.😎
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Chris: Too funny!😀
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Another Winston Churchill story - it goes something like this:

Lady at dinner party "Sir, if you were my husband, i would poison your tea!!"
Churchill "Madam, if you were my wife, i would drink it"
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Travel during Covid.

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been In Cognito either.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been In Sane.
They don't have an airport there.
So you must be driven there.
I have made several trips.
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The difference between me and my boss:

When I take a long time
I am slow.

When he takes a long time
He is thorough.

When I don’t do something
I am lazy.

When he doesn’t do it
He’s just busy.

When I do something without being told
I’m a smart arse.

When the boss does the same
It’s initiative.

If I try to please the boss
I’m a crawler.

When he tries to please his own boss
It’s called co-operation.

And if I do something well
He doesn’t even notice.

And if I do something wrong
He never forgets!
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