mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Plumjuice immediately noticed that something was not right with the lousy excuse Plum managed to invent for the next week, but she decided to be a good wife and do what she was asked to.
After a week, Plum returned home, and looked tired. But, he explained to her that he was happy and had done well by attending the fishing party.
His dutiful wife wanted to know all the details, and asked the weekend, his colleagues & if they had caught fish, and so on.
Plum answered: “Yes, lots of salmon, silver carp & a few swordfish offshore. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”
Plumjuice, with a menacing look on her face, replied: “I did
… They’re in your fishing box”.
is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both find it really difficult over time however, so the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!
What a way to die together as a couple than while making love and having mutual orgasms on the way to be lifted to the life eternal. That would be unforgettable for sure, but not repeatable. Come, Lord Jesus!
Upon recovering the woman decides to stay in the hospital and have some cosmetic surgery. She has a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change the color of her hair. Since she has so much more time to live she figures might as well make the most of it. She finally leaves the hospital, as she is crossing the street she is struck and killed by an oncoming ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demands. "I thought you said I had another 43 years!"
God says.."I didn't recognize you..
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.
The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....
"Medicare pays $43 of it!"
'When I was a little girl I really wanted earrings. Mummy said ‘when you’re older’, and I thought you grew the holes when you were old enough.
'It took me a long time to realise that grilled cheese sandwiches had nothing to do with gorillas.
'I thought that the borders between countries were marked on the ground with red dotted lines, like on the maps.
'My parents used to joke that they knew they were for each other because they both had the same last name. I thought that you had to marry someone with the same last name, and when I was four I didn’t like the only girl I knew with the same name. I bit her on the arm so she wouldn’t want to marry me.
BB: “Father, I am 94 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70+ years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
BB: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
BB: “I’m not.”
Priest: “Then, why are you telling me all this?"
BB: “I’m 94 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
‘When I was really little, I thought that if the car’s emergency warning light came on, one half would turn right and the other half would turn left. I thought sitting in the middle was dangerous.
‘My mother used to tell me that there was a banana factory where bananas were bent in the middle before they were sold. (And my own DH knew a kid whose father worked for the local banana import warehouse, and told all the kids that bananas were packed straight because they fitted the crates better, and his job was to bend them before they went to the shops)
‘I thought that wildflowers were really wild and dangerous, and I couldn’t understand why people liked them.
‘When I first went to school, my Dad said I was going to be brain washed. I thought he meant our heads were going to be opened up so our brains could be washed. I was scared.
Just kidding, not all of them anyways.
"Yoda, I understood CW's joke the same way you did. The couple were going to have their last reunion and die in bliss. What a way to go!"
Apparently, this did not work for Yoda...he is still with us.
'I just assumed that people got over bad habits by going somewhere where all they ate was cold turkey.
'I used to believe that the guy who lost the presidential election became the Vice President.
'When I was three I used to love peas. My mother sang ‘Silent Night’ at bedtime, and I thought that ‘sleep in heavenly peace’ meant going to sleep with peas that you could eat if you got hungry in the night.
'I thought that birds had special things on their feet so that they could stand on power lines without getting electrocuted.
The insurance people finally approved my wife's new pain medicine, but the pharmacy waited until we called about it again to fill it. They should fill a prescription like this as soon as it is approved and notify the person of that.
Also, she gets her Covid shot tomorrow afternoon, but I have to wait until March since I'm not 65, but have underlying conditions.
She said ‘That fellow could start a fight in an empty church’. (I quite like that one)
Young Sean asked ‘Ma, will you buy me an encyclopedia’. Reply: “No you can walk to school like the other children.’
A member of the Irish rugby team goes home with a bleeding ear. He says to his mother ‘I’m worried, I don’t even know whose ear it was’.
That’s enough!