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Don't mind the comments Yoda. You got screwed and it was a good thing. I hope it happens more often.

My husband and I have to make dates, or else our busy schedules will get in the way.

I don't know if there's sex in heaven, so get all you can while you're here.
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This is adult rated humour.

I've had it hard ever since I was ten
and at almost 64, it still gets hard again. :)
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It’s interesting to see cultural differences in humor. I realised that the last Irish joke I liked was similar to one I have remembered for years.

The other day: ‘That fellow could start a fight in an empty church’.
The old one: ‘Lovely strong tea. You could trot a mouse on it.’

However I can’t quite get why they are similar – can you?
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When I was a kid I thought that:

Toothpaste was made from spare teeth, like tomato paste was made from tomatoes.

Being sentenced to death meant that you had to write the same sentence over and over again until you died.

I heard my parents talking about a baby boom, and I thought that some babies had started exploding.
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You know what the worst part about a rectal thermometer is?

.... the taste.
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When I was a kid I thought that :

After I got ‘a frog in your throat’, the frogs moved down to my tummy and still lived there.

If you put your hands in the air, you couldn’t be killed. That was why people on TV put their hands up whenever someone pulled a gun on them.

The time that I had to phone a company’s service line, and they put me on hold, and some music started playing, the operator had got out her recorder and was playing it for me over the phone.
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These "when I was a kid" comments remind me of those clickbait articles "15 reasons for....", although one or two might really be things kids believe most of it sounds like stuff adults made up in order to fill the page (or book). I mean seriously, that last one was especially ludicrous.
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Oh Margaret,
I was thinking all those "When I was a kid" thoughts were your own thoughts.

Mwah ha ha.

Sorry.
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"Kids say the darndest things"
Art Linkletter from 1952-1970
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My parents had a version that book Send, even as a kid I wasn't very interested in it. I suppose it joined the encyclopedia sets and world book annuals in the giant bonfire when I was cleaning out the farm.
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Hi! Some of them might be made up, but I don’t think most are. I think that some are from very small children, and more are from kids that got told the wrong thing by older siblings or parents. For example, 'the icecream van only plays the music when it’s run out of icecream'. For an adult, most of them really are ludicrous!

The book was written by Mat Connolly, and it is now a website called iusedtobelieve.com The book’s intro starts with the author’s own childhood fear of something lurking in the toilet. Then ‘many years later, I found out that a good friend used to believe his body was filled with baked beans, and I began collecting people’s strange childhood beliefs’.

Yes, some similar things used to turn up in the Readers Digest magazine section called ‘Kids say the darndest things’. They really are quite common. Even DH said that when he was little he thought cats were all females, dogs were all males - and he's quite bright.

If no-one likes this lot, I’ll give the book back to the Op Shop and find another one. Anything but Irish jokes! My favorite book was ‘Church Chuckles’, which started with the Parish kitchen sign “After use, please rinse teapot and stand upside down in sink’. It would be good if more people joined in - everyone's sense of humor is a bit different. Looking for joke books in OpShops has actually been quite a good hobby. I started when the site was moribund and a new poster wailed 'doesn't anyone know something funny to cheer me up?'.
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I’ve just remembered one of my own. My father told me when I was little that it was best to use the marked pedestrian crossing, because if you got knocked down on one, the government paid for your funeral. It stuck for quite a while...
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Even years ago Art Linkletter's stuff seemed far fetched to me, a lot of it seems too advanced for wee tots (per your example Margaret, how many would they even know about being on hold?) and incredibly strange for older kids unless they lead weirdly odd and sheltered lives. But it's still better than some of the offensive stuff so keep right on posting 😊
It's too bad we can't post pictures and videos, there are lots of them out there. Perhaps the new people just need to go back to page one and start over....
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a Company party (pre COVID)
He does not recall how he got home after the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple aspirin next to a glass of water on the night stand. Next to them a single red rose.
Jack sits up, notices his clothes, all clean and folded on the chair. He looks around and the room is in perfect order.
He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
He notices a note on the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner. I love you, darling! Love Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steamiong coffee and the morning paper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks "Son..what happened last night?"
"Well you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, breakfast is waiting for me?
His son replies, "Oh that...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed "leave me alone, I'm married"
Broken Coffee table $239.00
Hot breakfast $9.00
Two aspirin $0.50
Saying the right thing at the right time PRICELESS!!!!!
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A couple on nice morning messages on my computer:

From Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard To Do:
Q: Hey, mate, what’s up?
A: The warranty on my liver.

From the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet list of Signs of Crime (and I did check this one):
Screaming or cries for help.
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Geometry for beginners: Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one of them.
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I’d never seen the movie of Saturday Night Fever, so after we’d watched a good movie about the BeeGees, DH dragged out the old one from the depths of outer space.

I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t bear the final tragic scene where John Travolta is told he has to have a knee job and he’ll never dance again. It just had to be on the way…
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On her last nerve, the caregiver said: "I don't want dementia, but some partial amnesia might be worth considering."
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Grandpa asks grandson to explain what this Einstein guy was saying about relativity.

Grandson: Well this is an easy way to explain it. If your teeth are being drilled in the dentist’s chair, 5 minutes feels like an hour, doesn't it? Now think: if a pretty girl is sitting on your lap stroking your face, an hour feels like 5 minutes. The speed of time seems to vary.

Pause.

Grandpa: And this Einstein guy got PAID for saying that?
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My husband was sitting on his bed and he pointed to a picture of me that has been
on his dresser since Viet Nam. He said where is my daughter? I said Honey, that is me. He looked at me, back to the picture, back to me and said "What happened?"
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A blonde walks up to a deaf person and starts talking. After a while of signing, the blonde says, “So sorry, I will get back to you when your manicure is dry."
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A blonde joke:

Reading the jar of plums/prunes, it said: Milk, butter, soy. I looked over at dH
with a quizzical look, and said, "Oh no, the prunes contain milk?"

He was laughing, and I looked back at the jar. Yes, it had prunes in it. But the ingredients were for the chocolate almonds before the jar was repurposed.

This was before I had my coffee.

True story, it only took a second for it to dawn on me.
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In honor of St. Patrick's Day...

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
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A couple went to a hotel. The husband went downstairs to get some ice.
The wife noticed there was a train nearby shaking the place when it went by. She especially felt it when lying down. She went into the hallway and found a bell hop. She told him about the train and asked him to lay on the bed.

When her husband came back, he was surprised to see them lying together.

She told him, would you believe we are waiting for a train
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I didn’t buy the OP shop book, because the jokes were too long, but I loved the title:
‘Women Who Run With Poodles’
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Another Kid’s Joke Book, even worse than Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids.

Q: What was the dairy farmer hired to do at the Chocolate Factory.
A: Milk chocolates.

Q: Why do grandparents always complain about being old?
A: Well, all those wrinkles must hurt a lot.

Q: Why are you staring at that orange juice?
A: It says ‘concentrate’.

And the one I didn’t see coming:

Q: Why did the mouse give up tap dancing?
A: It kept falling in the sink.
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Well, it is not a joke but it happened to me yesterday and made me laugh... So I share this short story...
We have a bunny, a very curious bunny... Yesterday, I was busy cooking and did not pay too much attention... Suddenly I heard a noise coming from the bathroom... I had not shut the door. I stepped inside. There was Leone in the toilet... Trying to come out.
Shame I didn't have my phone. I would have taken a picture.
Curiosity killed the cat... And put bunny into troubles!
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30 Inappropriate Jokes That Will Make You Both Laugh and ...
bestlifeonline.com › inappropriate-jokes
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Great Potato Exercise 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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A natural death is one where you die without the aid of a doctor... Mark Twain.
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