mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where is the middle of nowhere?
If a deaf man goes to court, why is it still called ‘a hearing’.
Why is marmalade not called ‘orange jam’?
Is there another word for ‘synonym?
Pondering could be a bed-time substitute for counting sheep!
"Really Earnest," she complained to her devoted beautician, "You don't seem to have the talent I remember you once had".
Surmising the situation, Earnest replied, "That is absolutely correct, ma'am, I am just so much older now".
1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds.
Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons
and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza...OK!?
3. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
4. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
5. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
6. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
7. I love aging, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
They said NO and slammed the door in my face.
Sometimes my parents can be so mean .
Do we really have no bananas? What happened?
Why is there only one Monopoly Commission?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, should they all drown?
And of course, ‘What have the Romans ever done for us?’
1) Is it true that worms turn? Have you seen it happen? What caused it?
2) Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
3) Can you think ‘outside the box’? Or do you always think ‘inside the box’? What is the box?
4) What if there were no hypothetical questions? Would you sleep better?
5) Do sleeping tablets work better than pondering?
My guess is ‘yes’ to the last one!
A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on thier table saying "for being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
the fairy waved her magic wand and--poof! 2 tickets for the newest luxury cruise ship appeared in her hand.
the husband thought about it for a moment: "well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. the fairy waved her magic wand and --poof! the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of this story is
Men who are ungrateful b**^#@*@ should remember that fairies are female.
*personal comment here...I think the fairy should have made the wife 32 years old, not the husband 92!
That's not the end of the funny stuff I found!
A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a "Huge, everything under one roof mega stores" looking for a job.
Manager: Do you have any sales experience?
Kid: Yeah, I was a salesman back home.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job.
You start tomorrow, I'll come down after close and see how you did.
His first day was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today"?
The kid says "one". "Just one"? said the boss Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?
The kid says "$189,299.87"
The boss in disbelief says $189,299.87! What the heck did you sell?
the kid says'
First I sold him a small fishhook
Then I sold him a medium fishhook
then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he was going to need a boat,
So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he did not think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him to the Automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Ford Expedition"
Boss shook his head and said..a guy comes in to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck!?
The kid said, "No, the guy came in to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot---you should go fishing!"
Answer: Because they don't meet the koalafications!
What is a computer's favorite snack?
Answer: Computer Chips!
What do they call a dishonest alligator?
Answer: A crookadile!
Happy Day... Remember: A smile is a curve that sets things stgraight!
A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I bought a book on anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
What does an elephant say to a naked man?
How do you breathe out of that little thing?
A man gets drafted into the army, and to try and get out of it, he tells his sergeant that he is against violence, and hence will not shoot a gun or fight hand-to-hand.
The sergeant tells him no problem, and hands him a broomstick. Tells the soldier when the enemy is advancing to point the broomstick and say "bang-ety, bang-ety bang." Then sends him off into combat.
So the soldier, sure he is about to be killed, points the broomstick at the oncoming soldiers and starts saying "bang-ety bang-ety bang!" To his surprise, the enemy begins to fall in front of him like they've been shot. So the soldier keeps doing it until the battle is over.
He goes back to his sergeant, amazed that it worked. The sergeant takes back the broomstick, ties a smaller broom to the end of it and tells his soldier if the enemy gets close enough for hand-to-hand combat, to point the broomstick/broom at the enemy and say "stab-ety stab-ety stab."
So the soldier goes back into combat and begins his fighting. He points the broomstick/broom and says "bang-ety bang-ety bang" and the enemy starts to fall. He says "stab-ety stab-ety stab" to the soldiers who get close to him, and they also fall.
The soldier does this over and over, winning all sorts of acclaim and medals for bravery. One day, he goes out to combat. The enemy soldiers start to advance:
"bang-ety bang-ety bang", "stab-ety stab-ety stab", back and forth, over and over.
However, he sees an enemy soldier with a push-broom, advancing. He points the broomstick/broom at the enemy: "Bang-ety bang-ety bang!" It doesn't work; the enemy continues to advance! As he gets close enough, the soldier points the broomstick/broom at the enemy and says "stab-ety stab-ety stab!" The enemy keeps coming!
The enemy knocks the soldier down, and walks right over him with the push broom! And keeps going! As the soldier lie there, he raises his head, and hears the departing enemy saying:
"Tank-ety tank-ety tank. Tank-ety tank-ety tank."
Surely, not everyone was kung-fu fighting?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?
You know the expression "drink like a fish"? How much does a fish REALLY drink?
https://archive.org/details/everyltmmever
These are great old cartoons, and the people we care for often love them as well.
Scroll down to the middle of the list for the best ones!
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Run senior high.
“Yes. Yes I did. I’m a Mustang,” he beamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1978. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, fat, bald, wrinkled, grey, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked,
“What did you teach?"
Reality: Owls are no more bad luck than black cats, broken mirrors, or spilled salt. In many cultures, owls are seen as bad luck or omens of death and are feared, avoided or killed because of it. Myth: Owls are messengers of witches.
Reality: Owls usually want nothing to do with humans.
I can identify with that statement.
Apr 8, 2021
2) Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I quite honestly said this many years ago! Getting rid of dry food (worst thing for cats) and trying to find canned or raw food that would meet MY expectations, I pondered this very question and why a cat food MFG wouldn't have something like Ckickadee-De-Light or Mousie Pate, instead of the usual offerings of chicken, beef, lamb, pork... When's the last time you saw a cat tipping a cow or chowing down pig and sheep?
(p.s. there is a place in NY where you CAN buy frozen mice, whole mice, and comments on how smelly they are! Just now, looking for the name of the place, it appears that Petco also sells bags of frozen mice and rats, mostly for people with reptiles, but still.... eeeeeuwwww... I don't need to buy this - they didn't take good care of this place, so every year my best "mouser" brings them into the kitchen so they can all play with it...)
A farmer needs a new rooster on the farm. He goes out and buys a new, young rooster, who is promoted as being a virile stud.
As soon as he brings him home and lets him loose in the barnyard, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried this rooster may burn himself out too soon!
Next morning, not only is the rooster again screwing all the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. He even takes a pass at the farmer's wife on the porch, who shoos him away with a broom. Having had a go at everything on the farm, he takes off down the road in a cloud of dust.
The farmer, shaking his head, starts down the road after the rooster. A few miles down the road, he notices buzzards circling and sees the rooster lying limp on the ground. Shaking his head again, he heads for where the rooster is, planning to take his carcass back to the farm store.
As he gets close, the rooster opens one eye and says "Shhhhhh..."
A woman brought her pet duck Quacksalot to the vet, he wasn't moving and lay limply in her arms. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck Quacksalot has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any tests or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room.
She still wasn't convinced though.
So, he returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head sadly, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The owner cried softly and accepted the sad news.
Then the vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$550.00!" "$550 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00."
That was funny, but question - does it become Harvest Moon or something else when it turns brown?
Two doctors are in the hallway arguing about how something is said.
"It's WAAAAAAMB," says one.
"No no no, it's WOOOOHHHHMB," say the other.
Back and forth this goes. A nurse passing by stops for a few moments, listening. She finally interrupts and says "For your information it's pronounced WOMB." She smugly goes off to tend to her duties.
One doctor looks quizzically at the other and says "I don't think she's ever heard a hippopotamus fart underwater."
HAHAHAHA! I loved the Highlander movies (well, the first was good, the others okay.)
But, like you, my mother's family is Scottish, Grandmother came from NS. Grandfather was from Halifax, but might have had some Scandinavian, not sure, but no question her mother's side were MACs!
Mom outlived everyone on both sides of the family in her generation, by MANY years! She was somewhere in the middle, age wise. So, I guess it's true... there can only be one!
(I only found this thread a day or 2 ago, so I'm only about 1/2 way through them all.)
I am also a NO WAY will that stuff (or any other similar) cross my lips! I read up about it and made my decision. NEVER! Not only teeth and jaw problems (necrosis of the jaw? comon, who wouldn't want that???), but spontaneous thigh fractures (the longest strongest bone in the body!) and potential for esophageal ulcers. Yup, please make me take that!!! not.
As for medical "professionals" not knowing what drugs do:
I don't know if things have changed, but when finishing up a degree, I took an Anthro class 'Culture and Medicine.' All but me were nursing students. One of the readings stated that doctors were NOT required to take any courses on pharmacology - even if they did, there are SO many drugs, how could they ever remember them all? I always recommend people talk to the pharmacist if they have questions or concerns. Doctors generally don't know all the details, just what to Rx for a given "condition."
Little known info: One should NOT be taking these until getting up in years - they've been foisting the scans and Rx on women much too early AND should not be taken more than 3-5 years!
Not only have I avoided problems by not taking it, I had a vet recommend it for one cat. Ummm, first of all, there is NO way to pill that particular cat, not unless I have full hockey goalie gear on. Secondly, the instructions are to take it first thing in the morning, with a full glass of water and maintain yourself upright, either sitting or standing for 30 minutes... Just HOW does one do that with a cat??? I can only picture hanging him by his front legs from the ceiling and dousing him with water!! The simpler solution? Eliminated dry food (aka kibble.) It worked so well she ended up recommending it to others who were giving that crap to their cats!
Two last notes:
I had two scans done at a previous provider, several years apart. It was MANY more years before a more recent one. I was able to get the results of the old ones sent and the latest one was actually better! I do take Vit D3 and do get some weight bearing "exercise" taking care of things here.
The other note is my mother definitely had osteoporosis. She had the "dowager's hump". No broken bones, no problems, even despite some tumbles in MC. She was still bone intact at 97yo!
Full Moon names are here:
https://www.timeanddate.com/moon/phases
I don't think there are any 'brown' 💩 moons.