Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Sorry to put this here, since this is for jokes... but... if I can educate I will!

"Since when does the patient have to educate the medical prof?!"

Not likely going to happen even if you try, but I ALWAYS suggest people to advocate for themselves. With the internet we can look up information. Of course one needs to stick to legitimate sites - there is a LOT of garbage out there too! My vet DID humor me and learned something new. I had pointed her to an endocrinologist blog about the condition. So, there IS a little hope. We can try to "edimicate", but some are going to look down at us, we, the unwashed masses!

You ever see those drug books? My mother had one, but I tossed it because it is outdated. Quick lookup says there are at least 20,000 Rx medications the FDA regulates. Doctors aren't going to know all the ins and outs. They know what is usually prescribed, so they go with it. Sadly they NEED to know the side-effects and issues, to make a good decision. See the pharmacist or look it up!

Keep in mind some are used "off-label" too (lookup says 1 in 5!) I can look medications up, review the uses and side effects, etc. and decide for myself. Sometimes we do have to weigh the good and bad. In some ways it is the public who has driven this too. How many people out there think there's a pill to cure whatever ails them? Sometimes there ARE alternatives, not involving drugs, but it means making an effort. Too many would rather pop a pill than "work for it." Myself, the longer I can ward off medication, the better.

The latest for me are the vaccines. NOTE: I am NOT anti-vaccine, however I have issues with all of the currently available ones. Allergies requiring an epi-pen, not seasonal allergies, for 2 of them are big issues. The last bad reaction I had took TWO weeks to show up - they only hold you an extra 15 min! He asks if I can stay with someone - for 2 weeks? Meanwhile my cats starve to death??? Can they stay with you? Again, for TWO weeks? My daughter won't even set foot in my house, due to the cats. Both kids work and don't live nearby. I really don't have anyone who could sit here and watch me for 2 weeks. The newer one has me concerned as it mentions clots and heparin - the hospital near killed me giving me that stuff! Normally heparin lowers your platelet count. Mine went sky high and THEY couldn't figure it out! Kept it up until I got a hematoma. Well known big hospital. Clueless.

My current doc doesn't have all that information - when I moved here, there was so much information due to that hospital stay they were going to charge me a lot and I was unemployed. Nope. When I see him next, I plan to have written out what I can explain. As a family, we do have bad reactions to a number of medications. Hell, I even had one pediatrician tell me "It's not a very allergic drug" when prescribing something for my daughter. We'd already been through hell with that one, so I just said "I don't care what it is, give me something else." Arrogant a$$.

I read there's another vaccine on the horizon, but I'd want to wait to read about what reactions that causes. Only one in a million? I'd rather not become that one.

Okay, back to the jokes!

Full moons... Hmmm, maybe the bologna will turn some other color?
Meanwhile, I checked that site and some links in it.

"The Full Moon in August is named after North America's largest fish, the lake sturgeon. Other names for this Full Moon include Grain Moon, Green Corn Moon, Fruit Moon, and Barley Moon."

Maybe a Grain or Barley Moon? Or if it turns green, the Green Corn Moon?

(Funny, I made up the name Harvest Moon, just because around harvest time plants start dying and turning brown. Turns out there IS a Harvest Moon!)

A man passes away and ends up in HELL. He is told he will get a choice for his eternal damnation. So, he's taken on a "tour" of the various areas.

First one, people are living in flames, screaming. Nope.
Second one, people are constantly pushing very heavy stuff up hill. Nah.
This goes on for a few more areas, passing up each one.
Finally they come upon a group standing around in about 3-4' of poop, sipping coffee.

He decides this isn't so bad and chooses it.

No sooner does he get his coffee mug than the overseer comes in and announces "Coffee break is OVER. Back on your heads everyone!"

From Feb 2020 GoodBird (cute image!)

"Hello,
I just want to say that humor and laughter make a world of difference for me going along this caregiving journey. Without it, the situation would feel absolutely hopeless and miserable all the time. Of course there are bad days that are not easy, but having a good laugh gets me through and makes me feel better. Find something funny to watch to put you in a better mood! The power of humor and laughter is amazing!"

Laughter is indeed a good medicine and it's free! I've been through tough times now and again, but always maintain we NEED laughter, to get us by.

That hospital stay I mentioned a bit ago nearly did me in. I was just about out of any possible humor. Thankfully they got sick of me and sent me home with my heavy duty IV antibiotics and feed bag, with some home visiting nurses too! I WAS about to lose it in there (almost 4 weeks!!!)

Psyclinz
From Mar 2020
"Okay, so this one is quite naughty but I laughed like mad when I read it. So proceed at your discretion:



Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Reading many jokes like this brought back memory I've tried to forget... My dad was only about 50ish when he had his aorta repaired and a valve replaced.

While visiting him in the hospital, he says to ME: Doc says I can have sex. It would be like trying to get a marshmallow through a keyhole!

disgusted: I know, right about educating the nurse. NOT doing it. She can get a clue herself because on that particular day, she was rather dim. I am my own advocate. I always use Doctor Google, albeit not always correct, of course. Thanks for your comments.

MargaretMcKenJul 16, 2020 RE abbreviations:

Not my own DH - he's bald!

Then he'd be BOM??? (bald old man?)

No no I couldn’t call DH a Bald Old Man. I’m 73, he’s 69, he’s my toy boy! I never bothered about hair, and I cut his hair anyway. Our 6-year-old grandson (who adores DH as the only one in the family who has any technical skills) says that he likes Tony’s hair (a snowy frill around the edges) and thinks he looks really nice. I tried instructing about the joys of complimenting ladies, and he does it with DH, not me or his mum! So that’s a nice little giggle!

MargaretMcKen
Feb 23, 2021

"I used to believe that the guy who lost the presidential election became the Vice President."

Funny thing that... Until the 12th Amendment, that was actually true! The person who got the second highest number of votes became VP. Due to having ended up with a President in one party and a VP in the other, kinda like a bad marriage in a way, TWICE no less, they had to come up with a better method...

The Amendment changed it from Electors giving 2 votes to their "candidate" to giving one each to choice for Prez and VP.

Odd though, the only information I can find regarding how VP is now elected, appears the Electoral College still votes for each, but clearly each candidate, when nominated, selects their own choice for VP... So I guess if they vote for one, they also choose the other? Very odd system, eh?

(description of what EC does: "...they shall name in their ballots the person voted for as President, and in distinct ballots the person voted for as Vice-President...")

Anyway... the original "belief" was actually TRUE!

Read a joke once:

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd become Ella Vader.

I thought it was cute and wanted to share it with my daughter - I forget how old she was but likely pre-teen, maybe under 10. So, in order to be sure she understood how these X married Y become Z jokes work, I asked her "What changes when a woman marries someone?"

Her answer? "Her whole life!"

I was laughing so hard at her response, which is SO true, that I never did get to telling her the joke!

Fishing Comes First
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years

DH and I have just returned to Alice Springs – a 2 day drive leaving us even more wiped out than we were before.

However I’ve just been reminded by a calendar about MECCA – the Motoring Enthusiasts Club of Central Australia. DH is the MECCA club Webmaster, which he can do from down south. Occasionally, he gets advertising emails for something completely different – religious candles, prayer mats, etc. The first time it happened he was completely astounded. Now we get the point!

Hi! a new Alice Springs joke book from the recycling Tip Shop. Mostly obscene, but I like this one about how many chiropractors it takes to change the light bulb:

Answer: One, but it takes 30 sessions.

Been there myself!

You can't blame anyone for falling in your own driveway......that is your own asphalt.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “why the long face?”

One up on my son;

As we were headed somewhere in the car, my son, about 10 at the time, says "Say Star Wars and hit me."

I said no, because you will do something to me. "No mom, just say Star Wars and hit me," he repeats, several times.

I finally gave in and soft punched his arm after saying Star Wars.
he punched me back and said "The Empire Strikes Back!"

Without missing a beat, not even thinking, in a flash I thwacked him across the chest and loudly proclaimed "Return of the Jedi!!!"

Dismayed, he says "That wasn't part of the joke."

To which I replied: "It is now."

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's t-boi , my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel's Tennessee honey and a dozen Bush Lights every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

A psychologist was holding a seminar on marital relations. After his presentation, he announced he wanted to do a survey. He asked how many had sex once a day. A smattering of hands rose. Then he asked how many once a week. A few more hands rose. He continued on, once every 2 weeks, once per month, etc. Eventually he reached once per year.

A single gentleman way up in the back began excitedly bouncing up and down with his hand raised, waving it animatedly. The psychologist acknowledged him and when able he asked why the man was so excited if he only had sex once a year.

"Tonight's the night!!! Tonight's the night!!!" He bellowed, still with hand raised and bouncing up and down.

A drummer recently had twin daughters. They were named Anna 1, Anna 2.

Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.

Margaret: Isn't that the truth! Hope you're doing okay after the loss of your dear Hector, the Protector.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

DH's answer to the last post was "Sometimes I think the best answer would be "other humanitarians" '. Bitter, bitter mood there!

Llamalover, yes, we still miss Hector Protector, but he had a good long life and a peaceful death. We borrowed Jesse to look after the current lambs. Jesse is white, and the sheep initially followed him around in curiosity - what is this? Did he just grow extra long legs? What about that neck? Is he OK?!!! It was quite funny initially, a long line of sheep trailing single file after an equally confused white Alpaca.

Margaret: Oh, good! Yes, your dear Hector Protector DID live a long life. Good that you got your Jesse. The story about the sheep is funny.
Llamalover47

I was screaming into a colander all night, and I strained my voice.

Caregiving is hard! You make the beds, do the dishes, mop the floors and vacumn.
Six months later, you have to do it all again.

2020 was the most difficult year!
When it turned 21 I had no idea drinking would be involved!

The pros and cons of alcohol:

1) Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
2) Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

3) There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.