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[Rudolph the red-nosed-reindeer goes down in history.]

Rudolph, looking sad.
Santa Claus reading a report card:

History…..F
Math……...A
English…..A
Science….A
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Man and a piece from a puzzle, are having a beer at a bar.

Man: What are you doing here?

Piece: Driving someone crazy right about now.
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Mrs. Claus to Santa Claus:

“Sour cream? You were supposed to get cream cheese! What ever happened to checking twice?”
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Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus.
Romantic night out at a restaurant.

Santa Claus:
“I read the wine list.
Checked it out twice.
Gonna find out if
The Pinot Noir’s nice.”

Mrs. Claus:
“Turn it off, honey.”
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After Xmas.

A therapist's office.
A Xmas tree is lying down on the couch:

"Turns out all those gifts weren't for me."
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Therapist's office.

A snowflake lying down on the couch.
Another snowflake with spectacles, sitting on a chair:

"I'm not sure it's realistic to expect to find someone exactly like you."
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A piñata and a Xmas stocking (filled with candy and chocolate) are having a beer at a bar.

Xmas stocking says:
"I'm telling you, there's nothing worse than being stuffed with candy and hung on a mantel."
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Santa sees the sign hung on his front door:

Sorry we missed you! -- The Cable Company.

Santa: "The - one day - I'm out!"
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Santa Claus with the eye doctor.
They're looking at the chart on the doctor's wall:

HO
HO HO
HA HA HA
HEH HEH HEH HEH
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE

Doctor:

"Excellent! And now the bottom line."
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One reindeer to another:

“I have no idea why he calls us those weird names…My name is Bob!”
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Doctor to patient:

“I am writing you a prescription: be happy and feel great three times daily.”
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Husband looking at his wife:

“I may not be a perfect husband, but remember I’m an unpaid volunteer.”
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Man lying on the couch, saying to the therapist:

“I’m hoping someone will steal my identity. I’m tired of taking responsibility for my own life!”
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Woman lying on the couch.

Therapist says:

“You’re allowed one small carry-on, but each additional piece of emotional luggage is an extra $10.”
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Child lying in bed, speaking to his mother after a bedtime story:

“You say ‘itsy-bitsy spider, but Daddy says ‘eensie-weensie’ spider. You should have discussed this kind of thing before you decided to have children.”
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Doctor to patient:

“It’s not a rash, it’s moss. You need to start being more active than a tree.”
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Doctor to patient:

“Keep Xmas in your heart all year long. It will leave less room for cholesterol.”
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"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive."
C. S. Lewis
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Woman typing on computer:

I’m very busy this time of year, so I’ll keep my Holiday Newsletter brief.

My family is much happier and more successful than yours, so you should be very jealous.

Season’s greetings.
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Santa with a back ache, at the doctor’s.

Doctor:

“The next time you lift someone’s spirits, lift with your LEGS, not your BACK.”
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Fortune teller looking into her crystal ball. A turkey came to see her.

Fortune teller:

“The good news is, you’ll be spending Thanksgiving with a large group of happy people.”
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Man reading a letter:

…if you have already sent us your payment, please accept our apology for the death threat and warm wishes for the holiday season.
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Mother and son outside in the snow.

Mother points downwards at the snowman:

“Timmy!!! That’s - not - where the carrot goes!”
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Santa, frustrated face, returns to his house, throwing a present into a pile of presents in a box.

The box says:

for Waldo.
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A little boy was watching a woman breast feed her baby, large breast fully exposed.

Little boy: Wow! All that meat and no potatoes!
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it’s time for jokes again :).

A man makes it to heaven.
His life report is read to him:

“…and you spent 6.35 years of your life deleting spam from your email.”
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Father to 17 year-old son:

“Your mother and I need more time to save for your college education. We’d like you to go back to Kindergarten and start over.”
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Man giving his date a box of chocolates:

“These have 50% fewer calories than other chocolates. I ate half of them.”
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Husband to wife:

“Here’s our new retirement plan - at age 65, we’ll get divorced then marry other people who planned better.”
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Two female friends having tea. Talking.

One says:

“My husband and I used to share a toothbrush. Now we have trouble sharing a planet.”
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