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Man uses the phone. Hears:

“If you’re calling to say you love me, press 1. If you’re calling to say you miss me, press 2. If you’re calling to ask what’s for dinner, press 3 on the microwave.”
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Husband to wife:

“Remember how much fun we had that night we slept under the stars? We may get to spend our whole retirement doing that.”
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Two female friends having tea. Talking.

One says:

“My New Year’s Resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth all the time…I’ll bet yours is losing weight, huh?”
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An iphone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.
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Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve?

Times Square.
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What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?

He got 12 months!
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Not to brag, but I already have a date on New Year’s Eve.

It’s December 31st.
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Why do the birds fly south for New Year's Eve?

It's too far to walk.
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Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?

To start off the new year in a cool way.
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At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds...

...Only 15 more to go!
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

Pop!
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I'm not buying a 2022 calendar...

until I see the trailer.
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What do you call someone who says they know all the words to “Auld Lang Syne?”
A liar.


haha :).
actually --- i learned it one day (it's a very pretty scottish song).
(it's a song often sung on New Year's Eve, at midnight)
:)

listen (simply beautiful)...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urDzywYAO0I

happy new year 2022, everyone!!!!! :) :) :) :)
may all your new year wishes come true!!!! :) :) :)

bundle of joy :)
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Just before the clock strikes at midnight, lift your left leg.
Doing that will assure that you start the New Year off on the right foot.

I am still not sure what to wear for New Year's celebration in the living room.
Maybe I won't go. I have nothing to wear but a mask.
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I think I'd be too chilly if all I wore was a mask.
... Just sayin' 😂
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It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
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My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
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Man speaking to his wife:

"In solidarity with everyone who is snowed in across the country, I'm postponing my New Year's resolution to exercise."
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Dog writing his New Year's resolutions.
He's thinking to himself, "I should probably be more realistic."

On his notepad:

Bark less.
Wag more.
Be nicer to the cat.
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Telephone operator answering the phone:

"More than anything else, we want our customers to be happy. Think about baby kittens. Think about the best kiss you ever had. Think about butterflies frolicking in a flower garden. Are you happy yet?"
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Man lying down on the couch, answering the phone.

"You're depressed? My depression makes your depression look like euphoria."
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If animals made Near Year's resolutions...

Cat:
No need, I'm already a vision of perfection.

Dog:
Love everything more.

Shark:
Improve public image.

Rabbit:
Make more rabbits.

Slug:
Sneak into houses at night more. Don't let them see you, but leave slime trails so they know you've been there.

T-rex:
Work on upper body strength. Also stop being dead.
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Two little girls playing happily in a playground.

One says to the other:

"When are you thinking of losing your self-esteem?"
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Restaurant.

Man and woman sitting at a table.
Waiter comes.

Woman says:

"I'd like a Chardonnay, and I'm fairly certain he'd like sex."
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Man and woman at the altar, about to get married.

Priest:

"Do you promise to love, honor, and say, 'Who's there?' when he says, 'Knock, knock'?"
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I had to quit my job as a can crusher. It was so depressing.

and...

Where did the cheap pirate go to get a new hook?
The second hand shop.
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Don't let anyone tell you you've got a resting bi+ch face. You're a caregiver, there's no resting going on here.
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This is not a joke but a real conversation.

Wife, do you remember what you promised when we got married?

Husband, no, what did I promise?

Wife, you promised to love, honor and obey.

Husband, what did you promise?

Wife, I don't remember, but it was not those last two words.

Such was the marriage of my mother in law and father in law as I observed from 1984 until he died first in 1997. He was not henpecked. He was enslaved.
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Yoda, good to see you!!
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"No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food."
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