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Doctor:

Good news. Your prostate isn't enlarged after all. The rest of you is shrinking.
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Grim Reaper lying on the couch.

Therapist taking notes:

What do you mean this is our last session?
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Man dressed up as a Grim Reaper, meets Grim Reaper.

Man:
Are you on your way to a Halloween party, too?

Grim:
Um...actually, neither of us are.
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Cat opens the front door.
9 Grim Reapers are standing in front of him.

Cat:

All nine at once?! Have I really been that curious?
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Edna (a witch) lives in a house opposite Zelda (another witch). Zelda's house is made of gingerbread, covered in cakes and candy, and the windows are made of sugar.

A girl and boy are seen walking towards Zelda's house.

Edna:
Dang...Zelda seem to attract - all - the little kids.

-----
Later, Edna was forced to sell her Brussels sprout house.
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:) it's that time of day again...time for some jokes.
-----

A lawyer is dancing around the courtroom:

I'd like to make this motion, Your Honor!

Judge:

Motion denied.
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A desperate lawyer in a courtroom, speaking to the judge:

Can we, just for a moment, Your Honor, ignore the facts?
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Lawyer to the judge:

I'd like to request a brief recess, Your Honor, as the witness's pants are on fire.
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Lots of monks in a room.
Big meeting.

The monk at the front, with a big smile:

Thanks for nothing.

-----
The Zen Awards.
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Doctor to patient:

Laughter is the best medicine.
But your insurance only covers chuckles, snickers and giggles.
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Police investigation room.
The lights are dim.

A chicken is sitting on a chair.

Across the table is a police officer:

What came first, you or the egg?? Why did you cross the road? How is it that everything tastes like you? I want answers!

----
Grilled Chicken.
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A clam on a couch.
Therapist taking notes.

Clam:

Truth be told, I'm not that happy.
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Man and woman sitting on the sofa.

Woman looks up from the book she's reading:

I'm sorry, dear, I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?
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Man lying on a couch.
Therapist taking notes.

Man:

I need an authority figure to tell me I'm free.
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Ways to Settle Arguments:

--the sword
--hugs
--the rifle
--CAPS LOCK
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Grass. Outdoors.
A desk on the grass.

Dog, wearing glasses, at his desk and typing on his typewriter.

Man, on the phone, inside the house:

This is Ed down the street...Your dog is doing his business on my lawn again!
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"I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth."
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Doctor to patient:

After age 40, all food is bad for you. Learn to chew air and eat rocks."
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Woman on the phone hears:

"If the people in your family tend to live a very long time, please continue to hold. Otherwise hang up and get on with your life."
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Elderly woman in robe and slippers, standing.

Elderly man in armchair, reading his newspaper.

Woman:

You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.

Man:

I didn't expect to live this long.
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Young woman walks into the living room.

Young man in armchair, reading his newspaper.

Woman, trying to remember:

What did I come in here for?

Man:

You wanted to have sex.
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Woman and man at a table. Man looking up from his newspaper.

Woman:
You grunt a lot better since we took that marriage communication workshop.
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Marriage counselor office.

The counselor taking notes.
A couple. The woman says:

"He's handsome, sincere, generous, intelligent, supportive, patient, successful, romantic, strong, funny, energetic, thoughtful, sensitive and kind ---
but sometimes he leaves the cap off the toothpaste!!!"
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--"So, you're at your computer 18 hours a day, never exercise and rely on caffeine. What's your blog about?"

--"Health."
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Divorce lawyer:

Then it's settled. Debra gets the house and cars and you get a participation trophy.
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Dog lying happily on the floor.
A genie lamp is next to him.

The genie hovers above the dog:

You have just one more wish. Are you sure you want -- another -- belly-rub?
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I will attribute this as soon as I can remember the name of the stand-up comedian I heard recounting his divorce...

"So we split the house - I got the outside."
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, you will be one mile away, and have their shoes.

quote by jack handy
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Wife: It seems all the men in the world use one brain.

Husband: (I can’t think of a come-back right now. It’s not my turn to use the brain.)
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There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. And they don't care about each other.

There are 2 different kinds of poeple in the world. Those who make spelling msitqakes and those who correct them.

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. Those who forward this message to 10 people and those who die within 24 hrs.

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. Those who make sense in a sentence and those who ate a sandwich today.

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. Those who are wise, and those who are otherwise :-)
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