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Some jokes I share with my mansplainy Alzheimer dad:

Him: When you're cooking, dont get too close or you might burn yourself.
Me: Thanks for the tip! Want to show me your real skills and finish cooking this for me so I can learn?
Him: ....Nah I'm good.

Him: Dont forget to look back as youre backing up the car.
Me: Dont worry. I only killed 4 people, but nobody saw me.
Him: Oh, alright. Then that's good.

Him: All my friends are dead, I guess I"m the next to go.
Me: Well, what would you like to do before you go?
Him: Nothing...
Me: Then ya better get going!
**I would never say this out of spite. I say this to make him laugh, which he does.**
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A piece of sliced bread is lying on the couch.

Therapist taking notes.

Bread:
I miss being the best thing…
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Why does the sun come out during the day instead of at night when it would be more useful ?


SMH!
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"Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn't forward that email to 10 people."
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"Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too!"
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"Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed on their body."
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"The living should smile, for the dead cannot."
:)
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Copied from FB: had a small problem with airport security while meeting a friend... apparently they don't like it when you call out "Hi Jack!"
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I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.
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Hah, InMyShoes. I like to say that aliens file humans under "Incomplete." lol
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"Let’s wander where wifi is weak."
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"Relax, we’re all crazy, it’s not a competition."
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:)

Man sitting on chair, tied with ropes to the chair.
Duck-tape on his mouth.

Woman sitting on another chair:

That's so sweet. The young couple we met wants to know the secret to our long, successful marriage.
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“If you don’t like where you are, move on. You are not a tree.”

“Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.”
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"I think my guardian angel drinks."
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"Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom."
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"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
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"Better days are coming. They are called: Saturday and Sunday."
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"Research has shown that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So now I'm sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers."
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It's OK to talk to yourself...and ok to answer yourself. But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening!!
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:) today i have some depression jokes for us.

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"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

"I am so depressed I am just going to let my foot hang over my bed and let the monster get it!"

"You know you are not as depressed as you think when you go to write a suicide note that is more than 5 pages long and then you come to realize it isn't a suicide note it's an autobiography slash grocery list."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness."

"Just saying 'No' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day!' cures chronic depression."

"Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother."

"In strange ways some people fall in love with the comfort of their depression."

"I saw a book titled "Anxiety and Depression for Dummies" yesterday in the store... Not sure if it is appropriate to label someone looking for mental help a "dummy"."

"You know you're having a bad day when even the Rice Krispies give you silent treatment."

:)
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"I need to hire someone to just follow me around and knock unhealthy food right out of my hands."
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"On average, a panda eats for about 12 hours a day. This is the same as an adult at home under quarantine, which is why we call it a 'pandemic'."
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“It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.”
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“Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.”
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:)

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
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:)

“I do not advocate violence. I advocate peace. And then just when my opponent believes me, I punch him in the face.”


bundle of joy :)
(by the way...my real name means peace)
:)
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:) just to clarify, that peace quote below, is just a joke.

last quote for the day:

"I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger."
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ah, wait...1 more quote.
:)

"I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a care bear, I’d definitely fight a care bear for you."
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here i am again...more jokes :)
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"They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?"
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