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🙂
Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.
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I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.
(2)
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time.
(2)
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🙂
One day, my wife’s credit card got stolen. What a relief! Because the thief spends less than my wife!
(4)
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🙂
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
(3)
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🙂
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.
(2)
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You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: Husband!
(2)
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I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.
(3)
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🙂 stand-up comedian:

Happy wife…happy life!
I wonder who came up with that one!

…I wish husband rhymed with life.
(2)
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A blonde opens a box of cheerios and yells, "Oh my gosh, they're donut seeds!"
(4)
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Two blondes walk into a building...you would think one of them would have seen it.
(5)
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Do you know where they store Dad jokes?


In a Dada bank.
(3)
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🙂 stand-up comedian, with a genuine, friendly smile:

Calm down. You’re doing great. You’re doing great.
I’m telling you, you’re doing great.

Life isn’t perfect. It never was. And it never will be.
We’ve all got stuff to deal with. You’re doing great.
So what, you’re fat. Who cares?

We’re all fat.
You’re either really fat, kind of fat, or trying not to be fat.
(2)
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Before kids: I'll never let my kids do...

After kids: Here, lick the rock, just please stop screaming.
(2)
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Remember my name.
You'll be screaming it later.
(2)
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My body was screaming for a cup of water,
but I gave it a mini donut instead,
because nobody tells me what to do.
(2)
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Everyone has a bad hair day.
The trick it to not have it on picture day.
(2)
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Tired of yelling to get your kid's attention? Try these:

--use the bathroom
--relax on the couch
--open a chocolate bar
(3)
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Thanks,
humidity.
I always wanted to look like a lion.
(2)
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It took me a while to get that one ITRR lol
(3)
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Did you hear about the Irishman that is impervious to bullets?

His name is Rick O'Shay.
(4)
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🙂 stand-up comedian:

I had a rough childhood because my parents
aren’t divorced.
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🙂 several comebacks:

“Ohh so you’re one of those people.”

——
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.”

——
“The difference between you and I, is that I actually like myself.”

——
“You will never die of brain cancer.”

——
"How old are you?"

——
“Don’t make me make love to you!”

——
"Hope you will say something smart one day."

——
“You are not invited to my birthday party.”

——
"Do you know who I am?"

"Why, don't you? Did you lose your memory? Are you lost?"
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🙂 more comebacks:

If somebody says. “What are you looking at?” I respond with, “I’m asking myself the same thing.”

or alternatively:

“What are you looking at?”

“How many guesses do I get?”
(2)
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🙂
Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
(3)
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🙂
 I believed in evolution until I met you.
(2)
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🙂
There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
(3)
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🙂
You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
(3)
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🙂
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
(4)
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useful comeback:
🙂

You're a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
(2)
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