I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
"I'm a complex woman with many moods -
and they all require chocolate."
"Chocolate:
Here today...
Gone today..."
"Things are getting worse.
Please send
CHOCOLATE."
"Why do crabs never give to charity?
They're too shellfish."
"When your internet goes out and you're forced to get to know your surroundings."
"When your name is in the math question and it says you have 34 watermelons."
If we watched cooking shows the way guys watch sports:
"That's too much orange zest! Are you blind??!!"
"Grab the butter, moron!!!"
Discovering something that doesn't exist:
"Life without pain and misery."
"When life's been treating you a little bit too good recently.
That's suspicious..."
"Sometimes I feel like I have my life together
and then I'm like
wow
that was a really nice 45 seconds."
"What's your birthstone?
Mine is rock bottom."
"If I could have a superpower,
it would be the ability to watch skinny people
work out
and then absorb their health benefits."
"I don't always work out
but when I do,
I expect immediate, spectacular results."
"My top 3 exercises:
1. Jumping to conclusions
2. Carrying things too far
3. Pushing my luck"
"I'm the type of girl
who will make a snack,
while waiting for another snack to cook."
"Want to escalate an argument?
Smile."
"It's not boring staying in the house for weeks in a row.
But how come one bag
of rice has 48,356 grains
and the other 47,998?"
"I don't always do the wrong thing,
but when I do,
it's the wrongiest of all the wrongs that ever wronged."
"Dear sneeze,
If you're gonna happen, happen.
Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave."
"Please let me know
if there is anything I can do to help you
from getting me sick."
A flying saucer in the sky. The UFO lands on Earth.
Garfield:
Whoa!
Green alien:
Greetings, Earthling. I come in peace.
I need a break. All we have to eat on my planet is pizza and jelly-filled donuts. All we do there is eat and sleep.
Garfield:
Abduct me!
Green alien:
Sorry, no can do. No room. I couldn't abduct you if I wanted to.
Garfield:
Oh...
Adopt me?
Green alien:
Sure, why not? Welcome to the family.
Garfield:
Can I borrow the keys to the saucer..."Dad"?
Green alien:
Boy, I walked into THAT one.
🙂
Monday...
Garfield:
"So much to not do.
Sigh.
I don't know where to not start."
"Been there -
done that. Then
been there several more times, because
apparently I never learn."
"I miss you like
an idiot misses the point."
"Be
f*****ng polite
PLEASE."
"When in doubt,
blame Monday."
That's your own asphalt.
“My brain is evil. It attacks me. It’s like a bully. I’ll be at a party, hanging out, and everybody’s having a good time, talking. My brain’s like, ‘Hey, you weirdo, you’re being too quiet. Everybody’s wondering why you’re such a quiet weirdo. Come on. Get in there, say something, you lunatic. Come on, you freak. Jump in, you psycho. Come on, get in there.’ Then you finally say something, and your brain goes, “Whoo…that’s what you picked?’”
“A somewhat odd thing happened to me a couple of months ago — I lost my wedding ring. I was in one of those, um, what do you call it? Oh, a divorce! And now I have to find somebody new, which is easier said than done, because I was married for so long I have nothing. I have no game. I don’t know where the stadium is anymore. Because I’m so trained as a husband, that’s all I know. I’m just gonna be staggering up to women in bars, ‘Excuse me, I saw you sitting there all by yourself, and I thought you might have a long list of chores and errands you wanted me to do. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll come by your place and drive your mom to Target.’”
"SUNDAY
A friendly reminder that you have approximately
24 hours to get your life together."