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🙂

"My wife just said, 'You weren’t even listening, were you?' That’s a funny way to start a conversation."
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❤️

"Do you know the verse of the Bible where it tells you how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend."
(1)
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🙂

"The hot dog is the noblest of all dogs. It feeds the hand that bites it."
(1)
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🙂

"Sausage puns are the wurst."
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❤️

"Would you believe that my neighbor came ringing my doorbell at 2:00 this morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing bagpipes."
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❤️

"I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it."
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🤯🙄🤯

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
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❤️ i'm gonna try this. please stay tuned for updates.

"One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a crowd. If they laugh at you, you’re still young. If they run to you concerned, you’re getting old."
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🙄 actually, emmm, never thought about that:

"Have you ever wondered why you can’t taste your tongue?"
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😇

"It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
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❤️🙂 it's good for the soul to express gratitude!

"I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them."
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❤️🙂

"Do y'all remember, before the
internet, that people thought the
cause of stupidity was the lack of
access to information?
Yeah. It wasn't that."
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❤️🙂

"IT'S CALLED A JOKE.
We used to tell
them before people became
offended by everything..."
(4)
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🙂 

"The main function
of the little toe on your foot
is to make sure that
all the furniture in the house
is in place."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"I HAVE A TON OF EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE.
I used to call it stress, but I feel much
better now that I call it excitement."
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❤️🙂

"I'm holding a cup of tea, so...
yeah, I'm pretty busy."
(1)
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❤️🙂 maybe go for a healthy run this weekend? or a walk? i'll be joining you, with my poles, spiky shoes, walking in the snowy, icy forest. it's the 91st of january here...we'll probably see spring in july. summer for 1 day, between 2-3 pm, in august. then it'll start snowing again.

"Some people don’t have the guts for distance racing. The polite term for them is sprinters."

“Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first.”

“I consider my refusal to run today as resistance training.”

"It’s a hill. Get over it."

"If found on the ground, please drag over the finish line."

"Happiness is...walking the streets singing with your friends, even though your voices are bad."

🙂
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❤️🙂

"Day 7 of social distancing:
Struck up a conversation with a spider today.
Seems nice. He's a web designer."
(4)
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🙂

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
(5)
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❤️🙂

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years, you still call Grandma, darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?"
He said, "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her."
(4)
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❤️🙂 the marathon...26.2 miles...

More funny marathon spectator signs:

"The Kenyans have already crossed the finish line."

"Slow down, I’m trying to count everyone."

"I’ve been training for 6 months to hold this sign."
(2)
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😋

"They say, 'You are what you eat!'
That's funny.
I don't remember eating a sexy beast
this morning."
(2)
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🙂

Funny marathon spectator signs:

"Chafe now...brag forever."

"You've got stamina! Call me!"

"Hurry up, we're missing brunch"

"This is a lot of work for a free banana"

"You could have chosen chess"

"WTF? (Where's The Finish?)"

"Staying up all night making this sign was hard, too."

"Bike 4 rent"
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❤️🙂

“Because 26.3 would be crazy.”
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❤️

“Running helps me maintain my ‘never killed anyone’ streak.”
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🙄

“Life is short.
Running makes it seem longer.”
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🙂

"Bikini season is the right around the corner. Unfortunately,
so is the pizza place."
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❤️🙂

"Doing taxes?
Pizza goes great with tears."
(1)
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😉

“I love pizza, meaning: even when I’m in the middle of eating pizza, I wish I were eating pizza.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
(0)
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