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"I, for one, was not kung fu fighting."
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❤️🙂 also describes me perfectly.

"I was normal 3 cats ago."
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❤️🙂 yup, describes me perfectly.

"Not fast
just furious."
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❤️🙂

"I came
I saw
I left early."
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😉

"I'm 99% sure my soulmate is a DOG."
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❤️🙂

"The fridge is a perfect example of
what matters is on the inside."
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❤️🙂

"I've decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money...
I'm sorry, but I've moved on."
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❤️🙂

"It takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning."
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"They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could do any harm."
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❤️🙂

Sign outside a house:

"Beware of the dog.
But beware of the cat too (he's kinda weird)"
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😉

Empaths be like
"I got 99 problems
but 89 of them belong to other people."
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🙂

"Seriously dude...
Is there a name for what's wrong with you?"
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🤯😡

"Whoever woke me up
is going to die."
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🙂

Reading a new book...
"How to Slap Someone Through the Internet"
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❤️🙂

"Today is the day
that I do everything tomorrow!"
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❤️🙂

"I’m going to start the morning with a smile.
Please be patient. This could take a while."
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🙂

"I can rise & shine
just not at the same time."
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🙂

"Not all men are annoying.
Some are dead."
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🙂

"Internet Law #1:
For every workout plan on the internet,
there is an equal and opposite dessert recipe."
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❤️🙂

"If I had a dollar for every time a woman said, 'I hate you', I'd have enough money to change her mind."
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❤️🙂

"If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?"
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❤️🙂

"If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you
I would be broke."
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❤️🙂

"You want a compliment?
I love when you leave."
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🙂

"...Counting to ten only makes it premeditated."
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❤️🙂

"I had a lot of stuff to do today.
Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow."
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🙂

"Row, row, row your boat
gently off a cliff."
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❤️🙂

"For the fifth time...
I don't wanna come to your cat's birthday party, FREAK.
My dog is getting married that day."
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🙂

"Two tectonic plates bump into each other.
One says, 'Not my fault.'"
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Thank you!!
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Love this site and the jokes!
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