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❤️🙂 

"2 pm: Proud of self for not buying ice cream.
9 pm: Mad at 2 pm self."
(3)
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❤️🙂 

"About 4 minutes into my run,
I decided I want to work on my personality instead."
(2)
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❤️🙂 

"Me:
I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life.

Him:
I get up at 5:00 am.

Me:
Never mind."
(2)
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😉

"If you were offered $900 million to sell a family member,
who would you sell?"
(2)
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❤️🙂 

"If we date, you never have to worry about me cheating on you...
I might eat something that was yours, but that's about it."
(1)
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❤️🙂 

"Person:
WTF is wrong with you?

Me:
You mean today or like in general?"
(3)
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😉

"Stop complaining about your life.
There are people out there dating your ex."
(2)
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❤️🙂 advice of the day...

"Stop having relationship problems
with someone you're not in a relationship with."
(1)
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😉

"I'm sick of these
10 second weekends."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"First they'll give you butterflies
then mental trauma."
(2)
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A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.
(5)
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❤️🙂

"Being abducted by aliens might just be the vacation I need at this point."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"2023...
and I'm still processing 2019."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"Me: I'll do it at 6

Time: 6:05

Me: Wow, looks like I gotta wait till 7 now."
(1)
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🙂

"You know what rhymes with Thursday?
Vodka."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Best friend (noun):
Someone who hates your ex more than you do."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"My give a f****k is still broken,
but my go f****k yourself is fully functional."
(1)
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❤️

"X: Babe, I buyed you something.
Y: LOL. It's not buyed, it's boat."
(1)
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❤️

"What hurt's more than a breakup?
A badly used apostrophe."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Please hesitate to reach out to me."
(2)
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😉

"You're fired.
Your employment is hereby terminated.
You're jobn't.
You're promoted to customer."
(1)
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😉

"W: So they really clothes school tomorrow.
X: They shirt it down.
Y: That socks.
Z: I was underwear of this."
(1)
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😉

"If aliens visited Earth, who would you recommend speak to them on behalf of humanity?"
(1)
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🙄

"When you sleep to avoid your problems, but end up dreaming about them..."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I'm getting real sick & tired of food having calories."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"No I didn't say you WERE stupid. I said you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it."
(2)
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What did the bus driver say to the moron trying to enter the over crowded bus? No more on. 😝
(5)
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🙄

"My mind is exceptionally quiet...
I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I see you've been eating whatever you want and not exercising."
--Pants
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I never thought I'd be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right."
(3)
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