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"You will understand when you are older."

I am now older and still don't understand a f****ing thing.
(1)
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❤️🙂🐕

"Dogs can be our best friends,
but the cat will never tell the police where the marijuana is."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Some of you walked into my life
and made it better,
others walked out and
made it f****ing fantastic!"
(2)
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Joy,

The joke about the therapist’s office is hilarious!

Once I gave my neighbor a ride to her therapy appointment. She was having car trouble.

Anyway, she started saying all of these crazy comments which were horribly offensive to the other patients in the waiting room. Oh my gosh, I wanted to crawl under the coffee table to hide from embarrassment, plus I didn’t want to be found guilty by association.

The looks that people gave her were priceless! I started looking around for a hidden camera. LOL 😆

No hidden camera. It wasn’t a practical joke for my benefit, although I wish it had more.

I discovered that my neighbor was a whack job! I never took her anywhere else after that experience.
(2)
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BOJ,
Your jokes are stupid, ridiculous and even insane.

I am getting all your jokes.
They make me laugh.
I love them, in between the stress of needing to call 911 for a welfare check on a loved one.

Don't we all just love it when those 90 y. o. family have our big day all planned out for us, with an early morning call?
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Sleep well,
middle finger,
you've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."
(5)
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❤️🙂

"Friend:
Can I ask your advice on something?

Me (Have never made a decision that didn't screw me over for months afterward):
Yes, absolutely."
(3)
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❤️🙂

Let's eat, Timmy.
(Correct at the dinner table)

Let's eat Timmy.
(Correct on a raft in the ocean)
(3)
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❤️🙂

"4 rules to remember in life

1. Money can't buy happiness. But it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Dance first. Think later.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve problems but neither does milk."
(4)
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"I'm awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time."
(2)
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"After all the stupid things I've done in my life...
if I die because I touched my face, I'm going to be seriously pissed!"
(3)
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❤️🙂

"When this is all over,
please continue to stay at least 6 feet away from me."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Sometimes you meet someone
and you know from the first moment
that you want to spend your whole life without them."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"X:
What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?

Me:
Awfully bold of you to assume I've peaked."
(2)
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"Therapist's office.
Patient in sofa.

Therapist in armchair, making a phone call:
I'm going to be late, dear. It's total craziness here."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Therapist's office.

Patient in sofa:
I could kill for a good cup of coffee right now.

Therapist scribbling down:
Patient has latte homicidal tendencies."
(2)
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🦴🦴🦴🙂🙂🙂

"It's going tibia OK."
(2)
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How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
(6)
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?” 🐴
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Fight like you're the third monkey trying to get on Noah's ark..."
(6)
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❤️🙂

"Trying to be less of an ****hole
than I was yesterday...
Baby steps.
F****k you."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"My back-up plan is my original plan but with more alcohol."
(3)
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😉

"Every 60 seconds, there's someone posting a positive message they don't live by."
(2)
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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere. 😂

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.👏😝
(8)
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If a woman speaks and no one is listening her name is probably Mom
(6)
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❤️🙂

"Go to bed in your fireplace; you'll sleep like a log."
(6)
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I’m not hard of hearing. I’ve just heard enough.
(5)
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When you are 20 and drop something, you pick it up.

When you are 80 and drop something, you decide that you don’t need it anymore.
(9)
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You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, I may as well pee since I am here.
(8)
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