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A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a gym and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotard on, the class was already over.”
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How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.



What bow can’t be tied?

A rainbow!



Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

To get a tweetment.



What has one head, one foot, and four legs?

A Bed.
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What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

Odor in the court.
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Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snow banks!



Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless!
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!
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Why did the cookie go to the urgent care?

Because she felt crummy!
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How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.
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❤️🙂

"Happiness is...
being yourself,
in a world that is constantly trying to change you."
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😉

"I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."
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😉

"The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are."
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❤️🙂

"When your 'mom voice' is so loud
that even your neighbours brush their teeth and get dressed."
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😉

"First time in history

we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV
and doing nothing.

Let's not screw this up."
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❤️🙂

"Do not believe
all the things you tell yourself late at night."
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❤️🙂

"Dear wine,
We had a deal. You were supposed to make me funnier, sexier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk."
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Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
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A man flags down a bus. He gets on walks straight to a seat and sits down. The bus driver yells, "Hey, bud! You need to pay your fare!" The man yells back "My name is Crime and Crime does not pay".
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❤️🙂

"I think the reason we're born with two hands
is so we can pet two dogs at once."
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Kathleen Madigan
Comedy
"Hunting bigfoot".

Also on Youtube.
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You know it’s been a good office party when your Pink Slip arrives at your
house before you do.
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My dad accidentally gave me soap-flakes instead of cornflakes for
breakfast.

I wasn’t just mad, I was foaming at the mouth!
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What do you call a chicken on a skateboard?
Poultry in motion.
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The Beach Boys walk into a bar, and in well-rehearsed harmony say:
“Round? Round? Get a round! I’ll get a round.”
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I’ve finally decided to retire after a long career as a graffiti artist. To
be honest, the writing’s been on the wall for some time.
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Someone once said to me: ‘You’ll never make it as an astronaut.” I
told him to watch this space.
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How do you keep someone in suspense?

I'll tell you later
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❤️🙂

"What doesn't kill you
mutates
and tries again."
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❤️🙂

"Here's another day of
outward smiles
and inward screams."
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❤️🙂

"Save the bees.
Plant more trees.
Clean the seas.
Punch nazis."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"This home is built on
love
&
swear words."
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🙂

"Don't make me poison your food."
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