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"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."
(1)
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❤️🙂

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
(3)
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbit enter a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll you have".
The rabbit replies "I have no idea. I am only here because of AutoCorrect."
(6)
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Why did God invent economists?
So that accountants would have someone to laugh at.
(3)
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Did you hear about the man who swallowed dozens of Scrabble tiles? The doctor said they would eventually just pass naturally, but not in so many words.
(3)
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Paramedic: “Are you hurt? Give me your name so we can tell your family.”

Accident victim: “My family already knows my name.”
(2)
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I saw a headline: “Two People Die In Collision”. How fast must they
have been walking?
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Life has its ups and downs...
We call them squats."
(3)
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🙂

"How to hug a porcupine:
in other words, the difficult people in your life."
(3)
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🙂

"Be careful how you're talking to yourself
because you're listening."
(1)
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❤️

"Wake up beauty
it's time to beast."
(3)
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❤️

"LIFE
is all about how you handle Plan B."
(3)
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🙂

"Sorry I'm late.
I got attacked by elves."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"ABRACADABRA
Nope, you're still here."
(2)
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❤️🙂❤️🙂

"Probably late for something."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"Not bossy.
Aggressively helpful."
(1)
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"Son:
Dad, there is a small get-together tomorrow at school...please come...

Dad:
What do you mean by small??

Son:
Only you, me, and the principal..."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"If idiots could fly
this place would be an airport."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Does anyone else get the random urge to get your life together in the middle of the night???"
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain."
(2)
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🙂

"I'm so poor I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I doubt,
therefore I might be."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I have the best taste in clothes.
I'm just too poor to prove it."
(2)
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❤️❤️❤️ finally, what love really means…

“Love means never having to say sorry I ate your waffle.”
(1)
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🧇🧇🧇

“Life is too short to wonder where you hid your waffle maker.”
(1)
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🧇🧇🧇

“Forget your sign. What’s your favorite waffle topping?”
(1)
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🧇🧇🧇

 “I like my friends a waffle lot.”
(1)
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"My name is Liz. Short for Lizard.
NOT Elizabeth."
(1)
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🙂

"In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale."
(1)
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