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“I wish I were as overweight as the first time I thought I was overweight.”
(3)
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❤️🙂❤️🙂

"How to lose weight:

Turn your head to the left,
turn your head to the right.

Repeat this exercise
whenever offered food."
(1)
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I hate street performers. Then again, I'm a mime artist, so I can't really talk...
(5)
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If you ever feel sad, remember there's a number you can call and a pizza will be with you in 30 minutes.
(5)
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Yesterday I took laxatives in addition to my regular Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I'm happy about it.
(3)
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My cross-eyed friend has just been diagnosed with depression.

I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.
(3)
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
(4)
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"The only thing worse than having a spider in your room
is
losing a spider in your room."
(5)
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😉

"Most harm is done by people who are awake."
(1)
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"Tomorrow's forecast:
Slightly exhausted with 100% chance of needing at least 3 ☕☕☕ cups of coffee. Scattered sarcastic comments throughout the afternoon."
(2)
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🙄

"I'm so tired, even my tiredness is tired."
(1)
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Penguin parties are very awkward and boring. No one wants to break the ice!
(4)
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🙄

"Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I've talked to, like I'm really sorry."
(2)
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😉

"I remember too many small details about people.
Sometimes I have to act dumb so I don't freak them out."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"I'd like to help you out.
Which way did you come in?"
(5)
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❤️🙂

"Oh sure, you're street smart.
Sesame Street smart."
(1)
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🙄

"Turns out I am not an afternoon person, either."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"INSERT COFFEE TO BEGIN."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Too many people look at the holes in their life and miss the glorious bagel right in front of them."
(6)
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🙄

"I'm so stressed that relaxing makes me more stressed because I'm not working on what's making me stressed."
(4)
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🙂🙂☕

"Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we're going to get done today!"
(6)
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PolarBear, far be it from me to corrupt the minds of the pure!
(6)
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❤️

"Please hold...I suddenly have to bang my head against a wall."
(4)
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🙂🙂

"Professional chaos coordinator."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"What doesn't kill us
makes our drinks stronger."
(3)
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"Day 2 of arguing in my head with a stranger who was slightly rude to me yesterday and I think I've got her on the ropes."
(5)
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❤️🙂

"Me after overthinking something for 3 days straight:
It's really...not that serious."
(2)
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"Mosquitoes are the only ones who think I'm a snack."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Why did my last two brain cells have to be a sad one and a stupid one?"
(2)
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"Does anyone else get out of bed in multiples of 0 or 5? Like if it gets to 7:21, I'm like nah I missed it, I'll get up at 7:25."
(3)
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