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❤️☕️

“I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbours.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things."
(3)
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😉

“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.”
(2)
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😉

“This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, “Honey, do this,” and “Honey, do that” around the house.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“You’ve heard of the three ages – youth, age, and you are looking wonderful.”
(2)
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🙂🥗🥗🥗

“My brain said salad but my stomach auto-corrects it to ice cream.”
(3)
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❤️😉

“I know I don’t have to be sarcastic,
but the world has given me so much material to work with…
I would hate to be wasteful.”
(2)
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😉

“Life is a constant series of cleaning up the last mess.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Friend: What’s caregiving like?

Me: You know all the side-effects they list on prescription drug commercials? It’s like that.”
(5)
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😉

“It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong.”
(4)
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❤️😋🍪

“We’re all brave in our own way. For example, I’m not afraid to eat a cookie.”
(3)
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😉

“On this beautiful day be sure to take a break from crying at your desk to cry outside.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Stop making drama.
You are not Shakespeare."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"This person
is going crazy...
wanna come?"
(3)
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😵‍💫

“I have no time for stupid people,
but they sure have time for me.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Morning check:
Clothed? Yep.
Keys? Yep.
Coffee cup? Yep.
Sanity? Sanity?? And we have a runner."
(3)
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😉

"If you find a toilet in your dream, don't use it."
(4)
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❤️🙂

“A clean house
is the sign of a broken computer."
(3)
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❤️🙂

“I think I have the urge to clean the house. Waitttt...no. False alarm."
(3)
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❤️🥱

“When your bed is so comfy,
but you know you gotta get up and be awesome today.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“Annnd poof! All my patience is gone…TA-DAAA!”
(2)
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🐑🐑🦦🐑🐑🐑

“What is love?
Baby don’t herd me.”
(2)
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🐑🐑🦦🐑🐑🐑

“Stop trying to fit in with the wrong herd. Find other black sheep to hang with.”
(2)
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🙄

“Sometimes we crash and burn.
It’s better to do it in private.”
(3)
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🐑🐑🐑🐑🐑

“I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater.
I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.”
(3)
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🤯

“It’s comforting to know I can always count on not counting on you.”
(2)
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