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🙂
I’m not stupid.
And sometimes I think
that’s part of the problem.
(5)
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Awwww…She’s smiling in her sleep.
I wonder how she killed me this time.
(4)
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I sat quietly with my own thoughts today.
Remind me to never, ever do that again.
(5)
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🙂
When I get to work, I first hide.
Because a good worker is hard to find.
(5)
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🙂
97% of my poor decisions
are food related.
(3)
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🙂
I can already tell it’s going to be another one of those mornings where I’m not rich & famous.
(4)
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🤯🤯🤯
Today was going great, until
people.
(4)
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😉
A wolf is struck with a curse: every full moon it turns into a human for one night.
(3)
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It turns out that Earth
is actually an insane asylum for the universe.
(2)
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Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft??

Classical conditioning.
(2)
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😍😍😍
Love letter from a statistician...

X's letter to Y: You're three standard deviations above the norm.

Y: Um...Thanks?
(2)
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Do I know any jokes about sodium?
Na
(3)
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😉
You know too much psychology
when you can't get mad because
you understand everyone's
reason for doing everything.
(3)
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🙂🙂🙂
You aren’t doing it wrong
…if no one knows what you’re doing.
(2)
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🙂🙂🙂
If at first you don’t succeed,
try two more times
so that your failure is statistically significant.
(2)
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😉
No matter how popular they get…
antibiotics will never
go viral!
(2)
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One day, you're gonna wake up and roll over next to someone that is completely obsessed with you.

It's probably going to be a dog, but that's okay.
(5)
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Not a joke , but funny

Ya know how sometimes, for whatever reason you need to pee, and you need to pee, now. 😂

I found it helps to sing the alphabet, while walking to the bathroom. Then I found, you need to get to the bathroom before you get to the letter P ! 😂
(2)
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🙂
Famous Last Words:

“These mushrooms look just like the ones in the book.”

“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Hold my beer and watch this.”

“Of course I checked if it was plugged in.”
(2)
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“I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.”
(3)
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🙂
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." 
(5)
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“Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.”
(3)
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😉
“I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on the condition that she marries again. That will ensure there will be at least one man who will regret my death.”
(4)
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🙂🙂🙂
“I think it’s crazy that we have anger management, but we don’t have stupidity management!
I can’t be mad, but you get to be dumb. That’s very unfair!”
(3)
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🙂🙂🙂
“I have decided I no longer want to improve myself.
I am a beautiful disaster.
And I accept myself as such.
So, bless this mess because I’m done being stressed.”
(2)
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🙂
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
(2)
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Every day, hundreds of lonely bottles of wine gather dust at your local wine shops.

Act now.

Adopt a rescue wine.
(1)
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❤️
Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom.
I’ll keep looking.
(2)
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man (❤️ in love with a woman) says to a friend:
you know, i’ve been searching for a long time. today, that search is over.

male friend:
and now the search for a psychiatrist begins.
(1)
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friend of stand-up comedian:
How can you believe God exists when you’ve never seen him?

stand-up comedian:
Well, I believe Home Depot employees exist.
(6)
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