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🙂
Famous Last Words:

“These mushrooms look just like the ones in the book.”

“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Hold my beer and watch this.”

“Of course I checked if it was plugged in.”
(2)
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“I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.”
(3)
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🙂
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." 
(5)
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“Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.”
(3)
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😉
“I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on the condition that she marries again. That will ensure there will be at least one man who will regret my death.”
(4)
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🙂🙂🙂
“I think it’s crazy that we have anger management, but we don’t have stupidity management!
I can’t be mad, but you get to be dumb. That’s very unfair!”
(3)
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🙂🙂🙂
“I have decided I no longer want to improve myself.
I am a beautiful disaster.
And I accept myself as such.
So, bless this mess because I’m done being stressed.”
(2)
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🙂
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
(2)
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Every day, hundreds of lonely bottles of wine gather dust at your local wine shops.

Act now.

Adopt a rescue wine.
(1)
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❤️
Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom.
I’ll keep looking.
(2)
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man (❤️ in love with a woman) says to a friend:
you know, i’ve been searching for a long time. today, that search is over.

male friend:
and now the search for a psychiatrist begins.
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friend of stand-up comedian:
How can you believe God exists when you’ve never seen him?

stand-up comedian:
Well, I believe Home Depot employees exist.
(6)
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❤️
There is hardship in everything except
eating pancakes.
(3)
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stand-up comedian, about relatives:

I’m not too crazy about my relatives. Don’t you sometimes look at your relatives and think, “I can’t believe I’m related to these people!”

I give blood 4 times a year, just so I’m less and less related to these people.
(2)
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❤️🙂
The hardest thing to find in life is happiness - money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to find happiness.
(3)
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😉
If forums have taught us anything,
it’s that a lot of people aren’t quite ready for a spelling bee.
(3)
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All positions for annoying people in my life have been filled. Applicants need not apply, thank you.
(4)
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🙂
You don’t have to be a chef to know
which dish is best served cold!!!
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My father once told me, "If you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."
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Writing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger.
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🙂
If you wait until the last minute to do it, it only takes a minute to do.
(2)
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🙂
Drinking can cause memory loss, or even worse, memory loss.
(4)
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🙂
If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.
(2)
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❤️🙂
Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.
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❤️🙂🍪
"You can’t eat just one cookie. It would get lonely. Be kind."
(3)
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🙂🙂
Here's a list of things I'd like to do today:
(3)
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😉
"A relationship is so damn cute in the beginning
then BOOM you got an attempted murder case."
(3)
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😉
"When you're fatigued because of your depression but can't sleep because of your anxiety."
(5)
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🙂🙂🙂
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
(2)
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😉
Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.
(4)
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