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🎤🎼😳

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."
(3)
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🥸🤓

"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
(2)
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😋🍗🍖🌭🥓 good news for me. i finally know what to do.

"It is a scientific fact that your body will - not - absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate."
(3)
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😡🤮

"I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
(2)
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🥰😇

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left."
(4)
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❤️🙂

“And here we
****!!**!!* go again.
🌞🌞
I mean
good morning."
(4)
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❤️🙂

“What is a psychic's favorite game? I spy with my third eye."
(2)
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❤️🙂 happy thursday everyone! i mean…“friday eve”!

“I will be writing telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.”
(4)
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🥰

“Retired psychic. Now I don’t know anything anymore”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“Perks of being my friend. You’ll be the normal one.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

"TGI...Wednesday?"
(2)
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❤️🙂 have a GREAT wednesday everyone!

another classified ad…

“JODIE:
NOT sure how many characters I can fit into one advertisement, but here goes nothing. I wanted to ask you a very important and timely question. Seeing as it is Valentine’s Day, will you ma

——
“JODIE (continued)
ke dinner tonight or will I? Because I kind of wanted to finish Breaking Bad. Anyway let me know. Love, Mark.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“I’m running out of people I actually like.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

”Shout out to the friends who still like me…All two of you.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

”Does anyone else look in the
fridge for a snack only to find
you have no snack-worthy
snacks so then you lower
your snackpectations and
eat a single slice of cheese
and a random grape?”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“My xmas list is short this year:
— $1,000,000 in cash
— the souls of all who have displeased me
— a kitten”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“This year we fought two pandemics.
COVID-19 AND STUPIDITY.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“OK. I'm ready for Rich People Problems. I've mastered Broke People Problems, so I'd like to move to the next level, please.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rectangle of doubt.”
(4)
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😉

“The last two years
have been a strange
ten years”
(4)
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❤️😉

“If anyone had me
in mind for Valentine’s
Day, my favorite flower
is weed.”
(3)
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❤️🙂 

"Things happen for a reason. Except for clowns. There's no reason for clowns."
(3)
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❤️🙂 

"A wise man once said, 'I don't know, go ask a woman.'"
(4)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"FOR FREE:

Beautiful 6-month old kitten, orange & caramel, playful, friendly, very affectionate.
OR
Handsome 32-year old husband, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes.

CALL Jennifer. Come see both & decide which you'd like."
(4)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"SURGEON WANTED for a new health clinic opening in the area. No experience needed. Must have own tools."
(5)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"USED TOILET PAPER - For sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices."
(2)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"WILL the person who got hit in the head by a tomato in the 1950s please contact (414) 453...."
(3)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"For Sale By Owner:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything."
(5)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"Mentally ill needed:
To interview for novel. Must be successful & interesting."
(4)
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🥰 we all make mistakes. some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:

“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”    


“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.”


“Human brian is still evolving, says scientist.”


“Employment wanted. Manure woman wanted.”


“One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.”
(4)
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