Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
🥰

“Buddha:
Holding onto your anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Me taking notes:
Buddha says make sure you give the poison to the other person.”
(1)
Report

🙂🙂🥸🥸

“Friendship is so weird. You pick out a random human you’ve never met and you’re like, ‘This one. I want to go on adventure with this one.’”
(1)
Report

“My idea of ‘help from above’ is a sniper on a roof.”
(2)
Report

“Ladies,
Please stop wasting your time looking for Mr. Right.

Just find Mr. Left and drag that idiot to the right.”
(2)
Report

🥰

“Wanted:
Someone to hand-feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.”
(3)
Report

🥰

“Keep doing what you’re doing. We’re all being judged by someone who’s not even close to having their s*** together.”
(2)
Report

“Unf***withable (adjective):

When you’re truly at peace and in touch with yourself, and nothing anyone says or does bothers you, and no negativity or drama can touch you.”
(2)
Report

❤️🙂

“Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.”
(3)
Report

🥰

“Is today boring you? Go outside and lick a stranger’s face…that should spice things up a bit.”
(1)
Report

🥰

“My spirit animal is a slightly deranged unicorn who has a mission to poke holes in all of the annoying people.”
(2)
Report

❤️🙂

“Be a unicorn, not a twatopotamus.”

“My spirit animal would f*** eat yours.”
(2)
Report

☕️🏝🏖

“I’ll have a side of beach with my morning coffee.”
(1)
Report

❤️🙂

📖📚 “That moment when you finish a book, look around, and realize that everyone else is carrying on with their lives…As though you didn’t just experience emotional trauma at the hand of a paperback.”
(1)
Report

❤️🙂

“Dear extroverts, you will survive this. Dear introverts, stop laughing! They’re new to this social distancing.”
(2)
Report

🥰

“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.”
(2)
Report

😇

“Are you the enemy of my enemy? Asking for a friend.”
(1)
Report

🙂

“There is a guy in my area pooping on people's cars. He's currently public enemy number 2.”
(1)
Report

🙂

“A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes.

The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies. 

The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."

The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!" 

The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes.

The blonde spy is no dumby; she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.

The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."

The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"”
(2)
Report

🥰 yes i noticed the enemy quote is quite popular. haha, it made me laugh too. by the way, i feed my elderly LOs daily jokes for breakfast, so they start the day laughing. they’re getting very good nutrition as you see. :)

😇 anywayyy, here are more quotes:

“May God have mercy on my enemies because I won’t.”

“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.”

“Sleep is for people without access to the internet…”

“I tell you what’s wrong with society. No one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.”

“Never pray for your enemies to die. You might bury all your relatives.”
(1)
Report

Not only do I not forget the names of my enemies, but I don 't forget how they look either.

Thanks for all of these jokes!!!! Keep them coming!!!!
(4)
Report

❤️🙂

"Never let your computer know that you are in a hurry. Computers can smell fear. They slow down if they know that you are running out of time."
(2)
Report

🥰

"I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, 'If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?' 'Yes,' he said. 'Just not these four.'"
(2)
Report

❤️🙂

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
(4)
Report

🥰

"Being sick is just your body's way of saying, you're way too awesome and you need to slow down so everyone else can catch up."
(2)
Report

🥰

"Did you smile today?"
(1)
Report

🥰

"I seriously need a speed bump between my brain and my mouth..."
(1)
Report

🥰

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."
(4)
Report

❤️🙂

“We wanted to be adults so bad. Now look at us!"
(3)
Report

❤️🙂

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
(2)
Report

“Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly. Next week: turn signals!!!”
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter