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🥰🥰
When people suck the life out of you, they should take some fat too.
(5)
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Me:
It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop:
That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
(4)
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🙂🙂🙂
I’m not even on drugs. I’m just weird.
(2)
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Pets (noun):

The only members of your family you actually like.
(3)
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Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of sh****.
(3)
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🙂🙂🤔🤔
What’s the difference between animals and humans?
Animals would never choose the dumbest among them to lead them.
(5)
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🙂
Correct me if you’re wrong.
(4)
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🥰🥰🥰
Did you know?
You can’t blink while smiling…




Just kidding.
I just wanna make you smile. You’re so cute.
(2)
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🥰😍😍🥰
I love you from the bottom of my left ventricle.
(2)
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🥰😍😍🥰
I’d really appreciate it if you’d start stalking me back.
(2)
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You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
(4)
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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
(5)
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
(4)
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Suffering exists to make beer taste better.
(2)
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Comedian Robin Williams on a German talk show.

Interviewer: Mr. Williams, why do you think there’s not so much comedy in Germany?

Robin: Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?
(3)
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I hope that wherever my hair ties go, they’re happy. That’s all that matters.
(2)
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It takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning.
(2)
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You seem to be very well educated on stuff that you made up.
(3)
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Avoiding My Responsibilities

An autobiography
(1)
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The human body can survive 4 weeks without food and 4 days without water.
4 days without wifi and it’s game over.
(1)
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⭐️🥰⭐️🥰⭐️
You can’t make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.
(1)
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⭐️😉⭐️😉⭐️
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
(1)
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🌸🌸😉🌸🌸
Just when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
(2)
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🙂
The answer you’re looking for is inside of you,
but it’s wrong.
(1)
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😇😇🤔🤔
So many bad choices
so little time.
(1)
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Let’s stop pretending
we like eating salads.
(3)
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😇😇😇
I snack so my kitchen doesn’t get lonely between meals.
(2)
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🙂
If at first you don’t succeed,
find a snack.
(2)
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🍪🍿🍭🍫🧁🥧
Keep your friends close
and your snacks even closer.
(2)
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☕️☕️☕️
Coffee because…
murder is wrong!
(2)
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