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❤️🙂

“Remember when you were little and you’d fall while on a trampoline and everyone would keep jumping so you couldn’t get up…
That’s adulthood.”
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❤️🙂

“I hear someone screaming! That’s the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.”
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“I’ve owned about 600 bobby pins in my life. How many do I have left? Four. I have four left.”
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“Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep. Nine if you’re ugly.”
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🙃

“I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.”
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“A mosquito just landed on my husband’s face…Easiest decision of my life.”
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“I ran out of coffee today. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.”
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🥰

“I’m not sure how many chocolates equals happiness, but so far it’s not 27.”
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“Some of you have never been chased by a rooster as a child and it shows.”
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“To the people who lose one shoe on the side of the highway; Please tell me what the rest of your life is like.”
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🥰🥧🥧🦃🦃 hope your thanksgiving is going well!! meanwhile, yup, it's time for xmas quotes...

“Funny how the year you stop believing in Santa is roughly the year you start getting socks and clothes for Xmas."

"When someone says it's too early for Xmas decorations? You don't need that kind of negativity in your life."

"The cat looking up at the Xmas tree...they will soon destroy."
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🥰

“I wish Santa would publish his naughty list. What a great way to meet people.”
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😉

“I’m not the kind of person you should put on speaker phone.”

“I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a f*** lady.”

“I need to get out of this bed! I’m late for the couch!”

“So when is this ‘old enough to know better’ supposed to kick in?”

“Another fine day ruined by responsibility.”

“I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. But those cops came out of nowhere.”

“Telling someone to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.”

“My guardian angel…just filed a restraining order against me.”

“Please be patient. I’m messing things up as fast as I can.”

“I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.”

🥰 “My needs are simple, all I want is everything.”
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☕️☕️☕️

“Sometimes I go hours without coffee. It’s called sleeping.”
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🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧 enjoy thanksgiving today!! 🥰🥰🥰

🦉“Thank you for owl you do.”

🐕 “Thank you furry much.”

☺️ “Thank you for being your amazing self.”
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😉

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
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😉

"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
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🥰🤪🤩😇

“Let your light shine bright so the other weirdos can find you.”
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🦃🦃🥧🥧 happy thanksgiving everyone!!

——
“Are you ready to eat? I totally yam.”
——
🥰
“Nice legs.”
——
“I only have pies for you.”
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🙂🍀🍀🍀

“Every day a piano doesn’t fall on my head is good luck.”
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A little old lady wanted to be rich and dreamed of winning the lottery. Every night she'd pray, "God, please let me win the lottery!"

This went on for years and years until one day, suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened, and god stepped in front of her and slapped her across the face!

"At least buy a bloody ticket, Margie!"

This made me laugh as I keep squinting at the 500M-1B lottery Powerball prizes over the past year. Oh, what a dream. Guess I have to buy a ticket to have a (non) chance.😜
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🙂

"If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going."
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🥰🥰

“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”
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🥰🥰

“Either you love chocolate or you’re wrong.”
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😇😇😇

“Please save the planet. It’s the only one with chocolate.”
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🥰🥰

“When life gives you lemons, throw them away and ask for chocolate.” 🙂

“I can’t keep calm around chocolate.”

“I’m not overweight, I’m chocolate enriched.

“Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth with chocolate.”

“If you ever feel unlucky, remember there are people who are allergic to chocolate.”
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🥰🥰

"Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then eat just one of those pieces."
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❤️🥰🦃🦃🥧🥧🥧 have fun tomorrow! thanksgiving! in order to prepare mentally, here are some more family reunion jokes…

🙂😉
“We didn’t provide any alcohol at this family reunion. We were concerned people would start being honest with each other.”

“If you’re upset because you couldn’t bring a boyfriend or girlfriend, just remember: It’s in their best interest.”

“I’ve heard it said many times “family reunions create stronger families.” No one ever told me that it was done by thinning out the weak. I’m concerned I may not make it home once this thing’s over.”

“How do you get everyone excited about a family reunion? By telling them it’s been cancelled!”

“All the women I love in one room, and I couldn’t be more scared for my life!”

“The only thing that could make this reunion more dangerous is a Monopoly competition.”

“Do you remember what happened at the last family reunion? Yeah, I’ve tried to block it out too.”
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❤️😉 astrology…

“Some of these astrology posts are so biased and specific like…

aquarius: super great friends!
pisces: beautiful people truly
cancer: are always there for you
libra: super understanding
capricorn: will convince you to break up with your boyfriend and then have s*x with him behind your back. f*** you Sara.”
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🙂🙂 astrology…

“When a person you like is into astrology and they tell you that your signs don’t match…

I defy you, stars!”
😫😫😫
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