mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.”
"I keep hearing it takes a village to care for an elderly person. Do they just show up or is there a number to call? I think they can't find me."
On the family trip to nirvana. A kid in the back:
“Are we there yet?”
A monk meditating and thinking:
“What the ****!##!! was I thinking about? Oh yeah, emptiness.”
HOW ENLIGHTENED ARE YOU?
IF....
If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
--Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
A guy is seeking enlightenment, goes to a monastery and speaks to the head monk.
The monk says, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agrees and after the first three years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Still hungry" the man replied, and the monk granted him more food at supper.
Three more years had passed and the head monk came to the man and said, "What are your two words?" To which the man replied, "too cold". And the monk granted the man a thicker robe.
Three more years goes by and the head monk came up to the man and says, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" Says the man, and the monk says "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
———
A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:
"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"
After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks:
"Have you witnessed the blue moon light up the darkest depths of the ocean?"
"Yes, master!" said the disciple enthusiastically.
"Have you witnessed the wind mercilessly slash at the unfaltering tree, only to help it grow more resilient?"
"Yes, master!"
"And have you witnessed the chilling water break against an immovable stone, seemingly accomplishing nothing?"
"Yes, master!"
After another brief silence, the wise master slowly opens his eyes and exhales: "Well there's your problem... You keep looking at random nonsense instead of training!"
A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple.
"Ten years," said the Zen master.
"Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."
“Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.”
“My therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist . Trying to process.”
“Made my therapist laugh three times today, which meant I got to pick a prize from the prize box.”
“Welcome to shrink in the box. Can I take your disorder?”
“If a therapist starts off with “I could be wrong so please let me know if I’ve missed the mark, I’ve noticed that…”, please know 9 times out of 10 they are about to read you like a book.”
“Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist. And he says I'm fine.”
“Therapist: Love yourself.
Patient: I'm not my type.”
“My therapist told me write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later. I did that. But now what should I do with the letters?”
“Therapist: We need to deal with this constant need of yours to please others.
Client: Sure, if it makes you happy!”
“Therapist: Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?
Patient: To be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.”
“My therapist thinks I'm kleptomaniac. He didn’t say it to my face, though. I read it in his notebook when I got home.”
“A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed: "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"”
“At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless.
But now I kind of like it.”
“Someone's therapist knows all about you.”
“My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.
‘Dear Diary, sorry to bother you again...’”
❤️🙂
“Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t chicken.”
“Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.”
——
“When you thought you caught the Corona Virus, but the doctor says it’s just cancer.”
——
“How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke him on.”
——
“Which bear is most condescending? A Pan-Duh!”
——
“When is the turkey soup bad for your health? When you are the turkey.”
❤️🙂
“For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys. But the clowns definitely know me.”
“I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.”
“One minute you’re young and fun. And the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.”
“You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.”
“I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.”
”Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off!”
——
One turkey talking to another turkey:
“Dude! I have a ton of online followers and they all want to have me over for dinner!”
"I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together."
“That moment when Winnie the Pooh has better looking eyebrows than you.”
"What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name."
"I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear."
“I like to spend every day as if it's my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding."
hug! for those of us having a hard time and
“going through mission impastable right now”
“Life is about exploring pasta-bilities.”
“Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance? The meatball.”
"What did the frustrated cat say? 'Are you kitten my right meow?'"
"The Covid-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge. I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though."
"I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room. They said, 'Thank you.' I said, 'Don't mention it.'"
Light turns green. No one moves. 🚗 🚗
Imagine if you will...an atheist is sitting behind a car with a bumper sticker that reads: 🚙🚗🚗🚗🚗🚗
"Honk if you love Jesus!".
hug!!
another attempt at cracking a joke...
baby steps...
"Wanna hear two short jokes, and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooke."
"What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."
"What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? Oops!"
"Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it."
"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...but then I turned myself around."
"Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it. Times were hard."
hugs to all!!
i haven’t cracked a joke in a looooong time. and i’m still in a very bad mood, butttt i’ll give it a try. this is the best i can come up with for now.
hugs! courage to us all! it gets really tofu (oops, auto-correct), i mean tough, sometimes.
❤️🙂
here some attempts at jokes for today:
“I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”
“I wrote a song about a tortilla. Actually it’s more of a wrap.”
“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.”