mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
Follow
Share
Read More Close
9K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?
- My wife's mother is often mean and hurtful ... even remaining silent can still lead to receiving greater insults. Any experience with that?
- How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
- My lady is 90 been with her two years and watch her go down hill. Am I a bad caregiver?
Start a Discussion
“Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion. Get excited.”
“Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.”
“Out of all my body parts I feel like my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least a thousand eye rolls a day.”
“You’re in my inappropriate thoughts.”
“I don’t manipulate people, I motivate them to see things my way.”
“About to start telling people different stories about my life so when they get together & gossip about me, they end up arguing.”
“People will stare. Make it worth their while.”
We were discussing the wedding vows and how they change over the years. In reference to "in sickness and in health", he said "When I said it I meant it, but I didn't know what it meant!" He's caring for a disabled wife while I care for my Alz/dementia husband. I have been thinking about it all morning myself, while cleaning the bathroom 12 times!
Hang in there, we can do this!
So far my cousins and friends in FL have flooded streets and yards with power outages and water within inches of entering their homes BUT the strom surges, rain, and high tides are still raising the water levels. All have single level homes so if it gets in the cleanup will be a major pain but at least the houses are still standing.
12. I went back to the dermatologist and asked why he was taking so long, and he said he didn’t wanna make any rash decisions.
13. My proctologist told me he’s there to “rectify” any issue I may have. In the “end” I'll be better for it.
7: Went to a Podiatrist. He said I had fallen arches then took me to lunch at McDonalds!
8: Went to a Gastroenterologist for indigestion. He said to knock off the cheeseburgers!
9: Went to a Brain Surgeon. She said she couldn’t help me. I asked why not? She told me her favorite character in The Wizard of Oz was the scarecrow!
10: Went to a Geriatric doctor. I told him all my corny jokes. He said, I’m too old for this!
1: Went to my Ophthalmologist today. She said she was glad to see me!
2: Went to a Plastic Surgeon. He said with a face like that you should be on the radio!
3: Went to a Dermatologist. Showed him a picture of my pet snake. He said it made his skin crawl!
4: Went to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor. She looked in my right ear and said both ears looked fine!
5: Went to a Cardiologist. He said he had bad news. I asked, what bad news? He said he didn’t have the heart to tell me!
“Some people get confused if a sentence does not end as they potato.”
“If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.”
“Seriously dude…is there a name for what’s wrong with you?”
🤔 “Did you ever notice there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?”
😇 finally i understand the food groups:
“There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate,dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.”
“The Greeks and Shakespeare wrote the greatest tragedies…neither knew chocolate.”
“I’m on my 3rd guardian angel. Don’t judge.”
“Be loud about the things that are important to you.”
“One advantage of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”
😉 “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
“When I was 18, I looked in the mirror and said, ‘You’re either going to love yourself or hate yourself.’ And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.”
“Do more things that make you forget to check your phone.”
❤️❤️ “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
“If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow. Imagine what speaking kindly to yourself can do.”
🙂 “I got it all together. But I forgot where I put it.”
🌈🌈 “Ignore the rain. Look for the rainbow.”
“It’s not your job to fit yourself into a box. That’s a cat’s job.”
“Self-care is officially over ladies. We’re doing drugs again.”
“I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning.”
“Stop shrinking to fit places you’ve outgrown.”
“If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.”
“This looks like a ‘no, thanks’ to me.”
“Be good to your skin. You’ll wear it every day for the rest of your life.”
“Do no harm. Take no ***.”
“Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax.”
“Do not pour your sunshine into someone who does not think of you as their sky.”
“RIP to all the hours I spent explaining myself to other people.”
“Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you.”
“When they say, “it runs in the family,” respond with, “this is where it runs out.””
“I didn’t forget where I came from; I just realized I couldn’t stay there.”
❤️ “Be enough for yourself first. The rest of the world can wait.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I should be doing something, but my sofa is being so clingy today!”
“That’s a very nice opinion you have there…Too bad it’s wrong.”
“Welcome-ish. Depends who you are and how long you stay.”
“There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.”
“Laziness is the first step towards efficiency.”
🙂 “I have accomplished the bare minimum. Time to do absolutely nothing else.”
“Irony (noun). Getting hit by an ambulance.”
“Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.”
“Sarcasm…it’s how I hug.”
❤️ “Karma will fix it.”
“I don’t understand what’s bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.”
“Sorry I can’t go out today. There’s a sofa stuck to me.”
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch, and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches me right off the couch!”
“Does running away from Monday count as cardio?”
“Monday: one of those days when even your coffee needs a coffee.”
❤️ “Oh hello week, let’s do this.”