mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“There’s something missing in my life, I just don’t know if it’s a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably never going to happen.”
“I hate when I eat tomorrow’s calories today.”
“Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?”
“To those who watch my life and gossip about it, don’t give up! Season 2 is coming.”
“If Karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”
“What’s wrong with me? Do you want a list?”
“I’ve already had my patience tested. The result was negative.”
“I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.”
🙂🙃 “Did you ever get the feeling that you’ve seized the wrong day?”
“You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.”
“I’m not lazy. Someone stole my motivation. I’m the victim here.”
“You play the victim so well, I’m surprised you don’t carry around your own body chalk.”
—
Victim card:
“Get out of responsibility. Free.”
“I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.”
“I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.”
“I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.”
🙂 “What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.”
Lifetime Achievement Awards.
The Gold Watch at retirement.
It seems like there is an award for almost anything.
My favorite is the pin awarded to me by my psychiatrist.
It says "Shrink Resistant".
“Today, whatever is good for your soul, do that.”
“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
“I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.”
“Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of prey.”
“Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words.”
“My friend was annoying me with all his bird puns…
But then I realised toucan play at that game.”
“I am convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra Tupperware lid.”
“Not everyone can find a cure for cancer. Someone has to make the dinners and sort the socks.”
“If every day is a gift, then today was socks.”
“Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.”
“If you like water, then you already like 72% of me.”
“Seven days without laughter make one weak.”
“I was thinking one day and I realized that if I just had somebody behind me all the way to motivate me I could make a big difference. Nobody came along like that so I just became that person for myself.”
“Not sure if it’s killing me…or making me stronger.”
“What doesn’t kill me…might make me kill you.”
“What doesn’t kill you…makes you weird at parties.”
❤️🙂
“What doesn’t kill me…better start running!”
“Smart people focus on the right things.”
“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”
“Be the chess player, not the chess piece.”
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “That every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?” the first demands.
“My dog told me.”
“I was in a bar last night.
The bartender said, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?””
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”
“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
“People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.”
“The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock.”
“There are two kinds of people in this world: 1. Morning people. 2. People who want to shoot morning people.”
“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
“Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth, but sadly we don’t speak bird.”
🙂 “I wake up with a good attitude every morning. And then idiots happen.”
Who has married many women but never wed?
A priest.
——
Why was the picture sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
——
During which month do people sleep the least?
February (there are fewer nights in February).
——
Jimmy’s mother had three children. The first was called April, the second was called May. What was the name of the third?
Jimmy.
——
There was a plane crash in which every single person was killed. Yet there were 12 survivors. How?
The 12 survivors were married, not single.
“You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.”
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
🙂 “Relationships are basically just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies.”
i’m glad you liked the joke :).
"You come near my bedroom; I call 911." said the wife to her soon-to-be narcissistic ex
The MIL joke is great. I'm glad to say that the wicked witch of the west is dead. Her narcissism led to her death despite medical warnings.