mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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1. The only time the word incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
2. The average human being has fewer than two legs. If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. No human being has more than two legs but a substantial number of people have less then two legs bringing the average below two.
3. Inflammable and flammable are synonyms – they both mean the same thing.
4. Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift apart.
5. A million seconds is 12 days.
6. There is a city in Alaska named Unalaska.
7. From when it was discovered to when it was declassified as a planet, Pluto did not make a full orbit around the sun. (poor pluto)
8. Each year, New Year’s Day comes before New Year’s Eve. (took me a bit of time to figure this one out.)
9. From 1928 to 1946, Mickey Mouse was voiced by none other than Walt Disney himself.
10. If you cut holes in a net, it has fewer holes.
🙃
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
🙂 “When a couple of young people strongly devoted to each other commence to eat onions, it is safe to pronounce them engaged.”
“Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.”
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
“I took my MIL out yesterday morning.
Being a sniper is awesome.”
”I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, ‘Don’t eat anything fatty.’
I said, ‘What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?’
He said, ‘No fatty, just don’t eat anything.’”
“My grief counsellor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn’t care.”
——
“What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn’t opened his present yet.”
——
“At the restaurant the other evening, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
He looked at me bemused for a moment and then said, ‘Nothing special really, we just tell them they’re going to die.’”
——
“I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.”
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
”James Bond slept through an earthquake.
He was shaken, not stirred.”
——
“Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?
It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.”
Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me.
Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t prevent tooth decay.
No weirdos.
My wife sent me a text saying, “Your the best!”
To which I replied, “No, you’re the best!”
She’s been on cloud 9 ever since, feeling so loved and in love.
I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was just correcting her grammar.
“Why can’t male fortune tellers have children?
They have crystal balls.”
“I don’t like math puns.
But I will make one if I half two.”
“I’m not a fan of elevator music.
It’s bad on so many levels.”
“Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.”
“Where do spiders seek health advice?
WebMD.”
“Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician.”
“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”
“So little time and so little to do.”
“Life is like an elevator: on your way up, sometimes you have to stop and let people off.”
“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?”
“Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.”
“I’m like 4 days past my bedtime.”
🙂 “Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it’a because you’re awake in someone’s dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.”
“People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.”
🙂 “If you figure me out, I want an explanation”
“Apparently ‘spite’ is not an appropriate answer to ‘What motivates you?’”
“Don’t follow my footsteps. I run into walls.”
“Here hold my dignity…I’ve got some sketchy stuff to do.”
“If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.”
“I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little **** bit me.”
“Remember when our teachers used to say, ‘You won’t have a calculator everywhere you go.’? Well, we showed them.”
“Every time you get dressed remember: if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.”
“I love how in scary movies the person yells out, ‘Hello?’, as if the killer is going to be like, ‘Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?’”
“Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.”
“It isn’t that I’m not a people person, I’m just not a stupid people person.”
“I’m on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.”
Another gem:
“It is my belief God sends the solution first and the problem later.”
So true, as caregivers we ride in on on our white horse solution. Then and only then, and too late, we see the problem/S.
Maybe that's the plan all along. Otherwise we would never have gotten on that horse.
Love your tidbits!
“Donut let anyone tell you you’re less than incredible.”
“The only circle of trust you should have is a donut.”
Moses was the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet.
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
“I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me…Except dogs. I want dogs to like me.”
“Don’t just slay your demons; dissect them and find what they’ve been feeding on.”
“Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times we just hug and eat cheesecake…”
“I’ll tell you about my demons while you tell me about yours. Maybe they’ll get along well enough to fall in love and leave us alone.”
“I saw a man at the beach yelling, "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.”
“I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.”
“Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives.”
“What if slugs are just snails who have gone through a divorce. ‘Yep, she got the house.’”
“I’m disappointed in you’re grammar.”
“That’s weird. I don’t recall buying tickets for a guilt trip.”
“Guilt-tea.”
“You’re being judged no matter what, so be who you want to be.”
“An old man dies and goes up to heaven.
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO WERE CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
“A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.
After an hour he loses his patience and yells, 'Putin is to blame for this. I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'
30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'”