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❤️🙂

"So my wife said to me, ‘I swear, it's like all men share one brain’. I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain.”

——
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: It's for you and your parents.

——
"…A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news…'"
'What is the bad news?' asks the patient. 
'You only have 24 hours to live,' replies the doctor. 
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!' 
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
(3)
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Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed. 
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
(6)
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❤️ 

"Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."
(1)
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🙂 "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
(2)
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🙂🙃😇

“I’m busy right now but would be happy to ignore you at some other time.”

“I’m ignoring you…Don’t ignore me when I’m ignoring you.”

“I spent a great deal of my life being ignored. I was always very happy that way.”

❤️ “If you’re being ignored, that’s a good time to concentrate on finding yourself and creating your own mystery.”
(2)
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❤️❤️ on problems…

“There are so many people who have lived and died before you. You will never have a new problem; you’re not going to ever have a new problem. Somebody wrote the answer down in a book somewhere.”

“To walk away from the problems often will make the problems walk up to you.”

“It is my belief God sends the solution first and the problem later.”

“A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.”
(3)
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🧐🧐🙃🙃

“And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.”
(2)
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🙂

“I get most of my exercise these days by shaking my head in disbelief.”
(2)
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“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

🙃🙃🧐🧐🤪🤪
(4)
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🙂

“You are about to EXCEED the limits of my medication.”
(4)
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❤️🙂

Me: What could possibly go wrong?

Anxiety: I’m glad you asked.
(3)
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😇

“Even my anxiety has anxiety.”
(3)
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🙂🙂

“You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window to throw them out.”
(4)
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🙂🙂🙃🙃 gooooodnight. sayings said wrong:

Correct me if you're wrong.

A blessing in the skies.

Over my spit milk.

It gives me peach of mind.

Laugh out load.

You've made your cake, now lie in it.

Play it by year.

Don’t single me in.

Respect the unexpected.

😴😴 Don't let the bed bugs fight.

You made your bed, now eat it.

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Give them a taste of your own medication.

It's harder done than said.

Been that, done there.

Keep your friends’ clothes.

You mistook my kindness for weak knees.
❤️❤️
(4)
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🙄

“No one says ‘it’s just a game’ when their team is winning.”

“In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.”

“When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.”

“You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”

🌈🌈🌈“Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.”
(2)
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❤️🙂😴😴 time for bed…

“Mood: wanna sleep for 3 years.”

“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

“I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.”
(2)
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A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home
As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up. 

Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.  

During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.

The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"

She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you fart"
(5)
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❤️❤️🙂🙂 weekend coming up!!…

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.”

“If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.”
(3)
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🙂

“If someone makes you angry, take a deep breath, count to ten, and kill him immediately.”
(3)
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🙂🙂🙃🙃 many of us are surrounded by very difficult people. here some quotes about haters:

“Behind every successful person lies a pack of haters.”

“The haters always scream the loudest.”

“The best way to torture haters is with your happiness. There’s nothing people hate more than seeing you be successful.”

“Don’t doubt yourself, that’s what haters are for.”

❤️❤️
(1)
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❤️❤️

“Good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out.”

“Love. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

“Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday... yesterday you were pretty annoying.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“It will be funny in about 10 years.”
(1)
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Be careful what you do in the garden.

The potatoes have eyes, 🥔
the corn has ears, 🌽
and the beanstalk. 🌱
(9)
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❤️

“Arguments these days: Don’t you type at me in that tone of voice.”

“Your partner will never start an argument if you’re folding the laundry.”

“If you want to find out who your real friends are, sink the ship. The first ones to jump aren’t your friends.”
(2)
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People are only pretending to watch:

This note was put on a car....

[I hit your car but I'm pretending to write my info
because people are watching me.
Hope you can fix it.
Good Luck.]
(2)
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❤️🙂 some angry quotes…

“I’m not angry, I’m happiness challenged.”

“Anger management. You mean, planning who’s butt to kick in advance?”

(person arrives in Heaven)
“So this is heaven? I hate it.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

"When my bra matches my underwear I really feel like I have my life together." 

“Donut give up.”

☕️☕️☕️ “Can’t we all just get oolong?”
(3)
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🙂🙂😇🙃🙃

“We haven’t got a plan, so nothing can go wrong!”
(3)
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🙂 

“I woke up early. There was no worm.”
(2)
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❤️

“Twinkle, twinkle little star, point me to the nearest bar.”

🙂 “Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?”
(3)
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