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“I invented a new word! Plagiarism!”

“How do poets say hello? Hey, haven’t we metaphor?”

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.”

“Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.”
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I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
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❤️

“I can be social. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.”
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❤️🙂

“Don’t waste a moment of your life being normal.”

“Sorry, the person you’re trying to reach has moved on.”

🙂 “You cannot ‘fit in’ and ‘stand out’ at the same time.”
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❤️

“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.”
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😇

”Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them.”

”Antistalking: Learning someone’s routine so you can avoid them.”

”It’s cool if you don’t like me. I really like me.”

“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”

”I’m afraid if I give up sarcasm, I’d have to replace it with murder.”
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❤️🙂

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
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😴😴😴😴🥴🥴😵‍💫😵‍💫

“I’m going to bed” really means “I’m going to lie in my bed and go on my phone”.

🌳🌳🌳🍄🍄 “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
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❤️🙂 goooodnight.

"Me: I want to travel.
Bank account: Where? To work?"

"Sometimes God sends an ex back into your life to see if you are still stupid."

"Someone please call 9 wine wine." 

"I hate it when people ask me what I did yesterday. I don't know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something ... Sighed heavily. The list goes on." 

🫣 “Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair."
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❤️🙂 have a great start of the week!

“A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.”

“Time's fun when you're having flies.” 

🙂🙂 “You know, sometimes, when they say you are ahead of your time, it's just a polite way of saying you have a real bad sense of timing.”
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❤️🙂 happy monday!

“Yeah, I’m about ready for the weekend.” – Me, Monday am

“Did you know that Mondays happen once a week?! Seems a bit excessive to me.”

“T.G.I.M”

🙂 “Be a rebel – enjoy Monday. Find a reason to like it.”
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🙂

Office meeting. Man:

“Jeez, calm down Bill. We’re not saying you’re wrong… Just that you’re an idiot.”
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🙂🙂🐢🐢

“Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell.”
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bundleofjoy- your last joke reminds me of what Dave Ramsey often says on his radio show, and I paraphrase here:

We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.
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❤️🙂

“I used to care about what people thought about me until one day I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.”
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🙂

“I’m busy now, can I ignore you some other time?”
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❤️ happy sunday!

“A big secret for happiness: Ignore people who do crappy things to you.”
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By replacing your morning coffee with green tea,
you could lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have
left in your life.
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🙂🙂😎😎

“I know my limits. I don’t pay attention to them, but I know them.”

Dog: “I’m sick…would you chase the cat for me?”

“Just before I die, I’m going go swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”
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I suffer from ADCD. Attention Deficit CLEANING Disorder. It's where you start to clean one thing, but get distracted by other things that need to be cleaned, which causes you to bounce around to different jobs, only to end up doing a lot of work with nothing to show for it.
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🥰🥰🙂🙂🙃🙃 goooodnight. i wish us a GREAT sunday tomorrow. wipe away any bad past from your mind; start afresh.

easier said than done, i know. anyway, i’ll be trying too. inhale the good, exhale the bad. leave the bad out of your system. give your mind/body a fresh new day.

meanwhile, some quotesss :).

“That's a life lesson I could have done without.”

“With wisdom comes exhaustion.”

“There's no such thing as being overprepared.”

“Perhaps you would benefit from adult supervision.”

“This will go much faster if you just accept that I am right.”

“Your life is your story; you can write out any characters who aren't enhancing the plot.”
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🙂🥰🙂

“We’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
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❤️

“I used to talk to myself, but we had a fight so now we don’t.”
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🙂😇

"Quick, hide the chocolate in my mouth.”
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❤️🙂

“All I heard was, ‘I swear it will be funny…’ and then we were in jail…”
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🙂😇 happy fri-nallly !!

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

 "Where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew."
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In response to "I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now, my chalk line would be a circle."

Circle is a shape! :-)
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❤️🙂

“There should be a weather app for people with social anxiety, like, “Today, Walmart will be partly crowdy with a 70% chance of people you know.”
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❤️🙂 have an awesome weekend everyone!! :)

"When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
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❤️🙂

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

"Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log."
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