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☕️☕️☕️
I drink coffee
because punching people is frowned upon.
(3)
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😉
Just burned 2,000 calories
trying to avoid someone I know at Walmart.
(3)
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😉🎄
Santa Claus had the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
(3)
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Why couldn’t the roll of toilet paper cross the road??

It got stuck in the crack!

hope somebody gets a chuckle😅
(2)
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stand-up comedian:

A tandem bike after 80 should be called a double suicide.
(4)
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😇😇😇
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
(3)
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🥰🥰🥰
My heart has no room for you,
but the trunk of my car definitely does.
(4)
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The fridge
is a perfect example
of what matters is on the inside.
(3)
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What doesn't kill you
will make you stronger
except bears
bears will kill you
(4)
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What doesn't kill you...

Will mutate, and try again another day.
(5)
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Stand-up comedian:

My grandmother turned 98! We had a party for her 98th birthday.

It was a search party.
(2)
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🥰🥰🥰
It’s 3 pm on a Friday afternoon.
Do you know where your margarita is?
(2)
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I got a cat for my husband---it was a fair trade.
(4)
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🥰🥰🥰
What great energy,
intelligence
and magnificent eyes…
But enough about me,
how are you doing?
(4)
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What do you call a dessert that knows more than you do?

A smart cookie!!
🥰🥰🍪🍪🥰🥰
(4)
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…friEND
…best friEND
…girlfriEND
…boyfriEND
…food

only food has no end
🙂🙂🙂
(5)
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🍚🍚🍚🍚🍚
I hope I’ll see you a-grain soon.
(4)
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🤔
There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.
(6)
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🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳
Never give up!
Fry and fry again!
🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
(3)
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I think I’ve seized the wrong day…
(4)
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I just know I’ll die
trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
(4)
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🙂🙂
Probably late for something.
(3)
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🙂🍀🍀🍀
Based on my calculations, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
(3)
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Please hesitate to contact me.
(4)
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🙂
Woman in a liquor store, pointing a gun at the shop clerk:

“Tell me I look too young to buy this wine, ask for my ID card, and nobody gets hurt.”
(3)
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🌸🙂🌸
I finished 3 books today,
and believe it or not,
that’s a lot of coloring.
(8)
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🤔
What if they’re not stars but,
holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe?
(5)
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stand-up comedian:

I saw an interview last month with billionaire Warren Buffet. He said the way to get rich is to make money while you sleep.

So now every day at work, I…
(2)
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I was drinking at a bar, so I took the bus home.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
(4)
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🥰🙂
If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forget the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
(2)
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