mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
Follow
Share
Read More Close
9K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?
- My wife's mother is often mean and hurtful ... even remaining silent can still lead to receiving greater insults. Any experience with that?
- How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
- My lady is 90 been with her two years and watch her go down hill. Am I a bad caregiver?
Start a Discussion
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
"Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log."
“Why does the need To pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?”
“Just once, i want a username and password prompt to say,
close enough.”
“I need to get in shape.
if i were murdered right now,
my chalk outline would be a circle.”
What’s one thing your dogs could say that would completely ruin your image if they could talk?
What’s the most hilarious fact you know?
What do you think will your last words be?
What would you do if you only had 24 hours to live?
Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal?
Who is the first person on your hit list?
What are the things you would like to change if you became God for a day?
Where would you like to time travel: back to the past or to the future?
What would be the outcome if the government decided to make everything illegal?
What’s your secret talent?
🙂 Who actually tests the specific dog food when they say that it has a new and improved flavor?
“If you’ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.”
“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.”
“A large group of people is called a “No Thanks”.”
“What I lack in social skills I make up for in hiding-from-people skills.”
“Home is where the introvert is.”
“I came. I saw. I left early.”
“Please hesitate to reach out to me.”
🙂 “If you want to talk to me on the phone, I’ll need at least three days notice.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, don’t count the first time.”
“If at first you’re not believed, lie, lie, again.”
🙂 “If at first you don’t succeed, try something harder.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy."
“Surround yourself with tacos, not negativity.”
“One fails forward toward success.”
“Marriage: an endless sleep-over with your favorite weirdo.”
“If the words don’t add up, it’s usually because the truth wasn’t included in the equation.”
“Man with no legs bums around.”
“Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.”
“Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.”
“Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a week. Teach hockey to his kids and he’ll be poor forever.”
“Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.”
“He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.”
🙂 “Give man fish, feed him for a day. Teach man to fish, man build industry, and destroy ecosystem.”
1. You're reading this right now.
2. You're realizing that is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped three.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even thought it's stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped eight.
10. You're checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize there's only supposed to be ten facts.
“Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.”
“Stupidity never takes a day off.”
“Beauty fades, dumb is forever.”
“I started the week with a big box of patience. The box is empty now.”
❤️🙂 “My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Dealing with stress at work:
1.Stand up
2.Take a walk
3.Take a cab
4.Go to the airport
5.Never return
"Not to brag, but I haven’t had a mood swing in, like, 7 minutes.”
"I’m not judging you. I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.”
“I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional rollercoaster.”
“Two things: 1. Where have you been all my life? 2. Can you please go back there?”
“The most common cause of stress nowadays is daily contact with idiots.”
🤪🤪 "Donut worry, be happy."
❤️ "When you kinda want abs, but you kinda wanna eat 17 donuts and 3 large pizzas."
“Dear abs, maybe we will meet someday."
"Abs are great, but have you tried donuts?"
“Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.”
😎😎🤓 “Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.”
“If found on the ground, please drag over the finish line.”
“The most difficult thing about a marathon? Working it into every conversation for the next year.”
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.”
“This is a lot of work for a free banana.”
“I’ve got 99 problems, so I went on a run to ignore them all.”
“It’s a hill. Get over it.”
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch TV."
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
🙃 "I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
🙂🙂 "We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.”
“Whoever said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts,’ probably lost.”
“Best Friends. They know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”