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“When parents say to kids “go to your room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult.”

🙂
(2)
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“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.” 

🙂
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
(1)
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🙂

“I hate it when I don’t forward a chain letter, and I die the next day.”
(3)
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🙂🙂 “Am I the only one who spent a large portion of my childhood waiting for my superpowers to start working?”

🏖🏖 …still waiting.
(1)
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❤️🙂 “Let’s face it, I was crazy before the cats.”
(3)
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🙂 “I’m not spoiled. Just well loved.”

“I work hard so my dog can live the dream.”

“I’ve run the numbers. We’re allowed to get 3 more cats.”
(1)
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🛳🛳🛳 “I don’t give a ship.”

“I was gonna take over the world today, but I overslept.”

“My dog is not spoiled; I’m just well trained.”

🙂 “I’m sorry, I was thinking about cats again.”

“You’ve cat to be kitten me!?”

“Whenever I see a cat at a party: finally someone I can talk to.”

“Saw it, wanted it, threw a tantrum and got it!”
(quote for those poor caregivers who are dealing with toxic parents for example.)
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🙂🙂 “Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.”
(4)
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❤️😎🤓🤓 as a good friend, i want to make sure everyone knows the Senior Citizen Texting Code:

ATD: At The Doctors

BFF: Best Friend Fell

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low

IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder
(6)
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🙃 “If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.”

🤓 “It’s not failure, it’s unfinished success.”

🤓 “If at first you don’t succeed, give up and try something else.”

❤️ “If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0”
(2)
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:) haha natasana, now you made me smile. i re-read the joke, and laughed again too :).
(2)
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bundleofjoy, of all your jokes this one really put a big smile on my face:

🙃😇 “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

Aint that the truth!
(4)
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🙃😇 “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
(5)
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❤️ “Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
(4)
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Always remember it is better to wake up and pee,
than to pee and wake up.
(9)
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🙃

“My hobbies include staying up until 2 am for no reason and being exhausted the next day.”
(5)
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🙃

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
(3)
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❤️

“I don’t need a stress ball. I *need* a stress bat.”

“Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.”

“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.”

🙃 “Reality is the leading cause of stress.”
(5)
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❤️ 🙂 "When life knocks me down, I just get back up and say is that all you got."
(3)
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😇

“I like that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it’s adorable.”

“If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one vest…I would miss you so much.”

“I found a hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof, so you can see them all.”
(2)
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❤️ ❤️  “I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don’t let me come back until I change my attitude.”
(4)
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❤️ 🙂 “Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
(2)
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🤓🤓🙃 tuesday night. we need some sarcastic jokes…

“Woke up today. It was terrible.”

🙃 “I’m not angry. I’m happiness challenged.”

“Yep, despite the look on my face, you are still talking.”

“If stupidity was painful, you’d be in agony.”

“I don’t need anger management courses. The rest of the world needs stupidity management courses.”

🙂 “When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.”

❤️ “Don’t be grumpy. That’s my job.”
(2)
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❤️ 🙂 gooodnight everyone! i hope your week will be GREAT! i’m wrapped up in bed. some tea and a book, and then zzzzz. courage to all. i know we’re all going through tough moments sometimes.

“Step aside Monday…This is a job for TEA.”

“Thanks for being my best-tea!”

“I think there’s tea for that.”

“Tea! Crisis management since 1652!”

“Life hurts. More tea?”

“Team is spelled…Tea…mmmm.”

❤️ “Would you like an adventure now, or shall we have our tea first?”
(3)
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🤪 “I’m not sure if it’s the end of the world or just Monday.”
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☕️☕️☕️ 🙃 “Monday checklist: coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.”

❤️ “According to researchers, Monday mornings are so depressing that on average, humans don’t crack a smile until 11:24 a.m!”
(2)
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❤️ 🙂 

“It’s been a long week.”
—Me, in the middle of Monday
(4)
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❤️ 🙂 

“I have mixed drinks about feelings.”

“Today is a multiple cups of tea kind of day.”

❤️ “We’ve got chemis-tea!”

🦖🦖🦖 “Tea-rex.”

“Move oolong. Nothing to tea here.”
(4)
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🙃

“Get your facts first. Then you can distort them as you please.”

“Everyone is entitled to my opinion.”
(5)
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