mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“You think I’m sarcastic? You should hear what I don’t say!”
“I wonder what my dog named me.”
“I may not be your cup of tea, but I’m totally your 10th shot of tequila.”
“I’m not great at advice, may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“I’ve never faked a sarcasm in my life.”
“I have ABS
olutely no self-control when it comes to dessert.”
“Day 9 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.”
Puzzled by this surprising situation, The cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
The cop asks: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And, her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
“Me before coffee:
Judgmental and sarcastic.
Me after coffee:
Judgmental and sarcastic, but faster.”
“Sereni-tea. (noun). The absence of stress while drinking tea.”
“No quote can describe how awesome Friday is.”
“That’s a horrible idea. What time?”
🙂 🙂 “Some people are like clouds. Once they are gone, it’s a beautiful day.”
“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”
“Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”
🙂 “From the ages of eight to 18, my family and I moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
“It’s 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?”
“I just cleaned everything from top to bottom, so now I’m gonna need everyone to stop living here.”
“You can sometimes get a good workout by trying to fall asleep.”
“If my dog makes you uncomfortable, I’d be happy to lock you up in the other room.”
“I never forgive but I always forget.”
“I’m never wrong, just different levels of right.”
🙂 “All men make mistakes. But married men find out about them sooner.”
——
Cop: Please step out of the car.
Me: I’m too drunk. You get in.
——
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “All right, get in the basket.”
“I was gonna share a time travel joke, but you guys didn’t like it.”
“As soon as someone invents a time machine, I’m going back to when being fat and pale was sign of nobility.”
Me: Goodnight.
Brain: Psssst.
Me: What?
Brain: What disease do you think we have?
——
“I see dead people. Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.”
——
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
——
Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
“At the end of the day life should ask us, ‘Are you sure you want to save the changes?’”
“You’re cute and all, but I’m not sharing my coffee.”
“Listen, before I had my coffee, I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today, either.”
“Look 2022, I just think I should start seeing other years.”
“Ever look at someone and think, ‘Why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?’”
kidding…..
my day’s almost up. i’m already wrapped up in bed.
i send us all lots of courage & luck!!
and some quotes before i zzzzzzz :).
🙂 “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
🙂🙂 “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.”
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.”
“I’m having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by…”
“People say “go big or go home” like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah I want to go home, and I’ll have a nap when I get there.”
"Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot."
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
"Autocorrect still thinks I want to say 'duck' 12 times a day."
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’ll be poor.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
🙂 "Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."
"Why not, everybody else does?"
"That's because they are the patients!"
"Some people need a shock collar and I need the remote."
“Chaos. Panic. Fear. My work here is done.”
“If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.”
“My room was clean. But then, I had to decide what to wear.”
“Fastest way to mess up someone’s knock knock joke? ‘It’s open.’”
“Antistalking. (verb). Learning someone’s routine so you can avoid them.”
“I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.”
“I can’t talk to you today. I talked to two people yesterday.”
“I didn’t respond to your message because I already answered it in my thoughts.”
“Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment you want to send you life without them.”
“I am not coming. My dog and I have plans.”
“I saw people through the window today. That’s enough social interaction.”
“I hate when I go out in public and the public is there.”
🙂 “I came. I saw. I left early.”
“Please kindly go away. I’m introverting.”
“I used to care but I take a pill for that now.”
“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”
🙂 “What if I’m sexy and I don’t know it?”
“Besides being sexy, what else do you do for a living?”
🙂 “You must be tired after everything we did in my dream last night.”
🙂 “While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body. Us men are so polite we only look at the covered areas.”
🙂
some funny workout quotes:
"I'll never break up with gym. We just seem to workout."
“People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs. But I need tacos."
"Instructors who say, 'last one' are the reason I have trust issues."
“Sorry I had to cancel our workout. I was having a really, really good hair day.”