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❤️ 🙂

“You’re the kind of person I could bring home to my cat.”
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🙂

“iPhone. iTypos. iApologize.”

🙂 “Typed on tiny keys, just for you.”

“Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.”

“Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner.”
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🙂

“It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down.”
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❤️ 🙂

“I just awesomed all over the place.”
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My wife says I only have two faults.
I don't listen and something else...
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🙂

“How many mistakes can one life survive?”
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❤️ 🙂

“Complaints.”

“Complaints about how we handled your complaints.”
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🙂

“Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter.”
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❤️ 🙂

“Cell phone (noun). A device used for looking less alone while in public places by yourself."
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❤️ 🙂

“Someone tore off my warning label before I was born.”
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🙂 “Warning. This property is protected by husband with gun & wife with P.M.S.. Guess which one is home.”
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🙂 “You live and learn. Then you die and forget it all.”
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❤️ 🙂

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”

🙂 “If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won’t come up with a hand full of mud either.”

“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
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🙂 “The only time I passionately knocked everything off a table, I was trying to make room for a pizza.”
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❤️

“Marriage is a wonderful invention; then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
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🙂 🙂

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
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🙂 “I know it’s cheesy, but I think you’re grate.”
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🙂

“I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.”
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❤️ 🙂

“Told you so.”

Sincerely,
Your intuition
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❤️ 🙂 “Due to the confidentiality of my job, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
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❤️ 🙂 “I’ve got 99 problems, and they’re all carbs.”

“I save my carbs for tacos. It’s called priorities.”

🙂 “I never thought I’d be the kind of person who would get up early to exercise. I was right.”
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❤️ 🙂 true story. fork and knife in my hands, slicing a pizza:

“This is how I cut carbs.”

——
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with eating bad carbs at the airport.”

🙂 “The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.”
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❤️ 🙂

“Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”

“All you have to know about celery is that it’s made up of 95% water, and it’s 100% not pizza.”

🙂 “I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.”
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I like that chocoholics program! Mmmm, chocolate😋
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❤️ 🙂 more fooood quotes:

“Indigestion happens when you love food that hates you.”

“The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!”

“Another one bites the crust.”

🙂 “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
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❤️ 🙂 more food quotes:

“If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger.”

"Donut kill my vibe."

"Always crust your instincts."

"When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate."

🙂 "I’m not like other girls. I know what I want for dinner. I’ve been thinking about it since lunch."
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🙂 

❤️ "I'm eating just in case I get hungry later."

"Dangerous when hungry."

"Eating pizza in yoga pants is as close to exercise as I'll ever get."

❤️ "Every time we try to eat healthy along comes Xmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Wednesday, and ruins it for us."
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dear isthisrealyreal,

haha :). i see! :)
i'm really getting into it. i think it's going to become my new hobby. it was simply DELICIOUS, in the frying pan 5 minutes after catching it.

some of you know that my dinner usually consists of Twix (rest of the day I eat healthily). this has now changed. fresh fishhhhh. :)

------
loved your joke stoshsdaughter :).

------
it is time for another joke :).
regarding the heat wave over here...

❤️ 🙂 

"I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can't go to h*ll."

"At least my coffee won't get cold in h*ll."
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Boj;

Fishing is my second favorite activity, catching is my first.

If it was easy, they would call it catching, not fishing.
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My Doctor had a stroke 3 years ago, I finally made an appointment with another doctor.
He gave me an assessment test, at the end of the visit he prescribed me depression pills.
I told him I'm not overly depressed, but he wanted me to take them. I looked up the brand before picking them up, it said the medication was for schizophrenia.
I know I don't have that, as a matter of fact I checked with the others in my head and we all agreed, we don't have schizophrenia, the people have spoken. I'm not taking it.
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