I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
🙃🙃🙂🙂
so…here some fishing jokes:
“Please hold, I’m on the other line…”
“WTF. Where’s The Fish?”
“Keeping it reel.”
🙃🙃 “Good things come to those who bait.”
anddd we also need some non-fishing jokes:
“Vacation calories don’t count.”
“Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.”
🙂 “Why go on vacation when work is so much more fun?”
🙂🙂 “I can’t afford vacation, so I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.”
i just saw sendhelp's joke about "obedient wives" and round Earth. hahaha :). i'm going to call my parents right now, and tell them your joke, sendhelp. (my parents normally receive daily jokes from me).
**update: my parents loved your joke, sendhelp! :)
Hope you are doing well and will come back here soon.
Miss you and your jokes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOmGs7B-T94
It is so hot here that my lab, Raven, will only pee where the grass has had some shade for a while. That's some hot grass! She's a smart dog!
Maybe there will be an app or technology for applying graffitti messages to walls?
How will we know if the sky is falling if we don't save the chickens?
Oh, I know-put Mickey Mouse ears on it and they will learn...⏰
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water (edit: on it's surface).
Therefore the Earth is flat.
And it's not carbonated water, am I right?
so okay then... technically the earth IS flat 🙃
Then, he made the earth round, and laughed, and laughed.
Still laughing.
Husband: I took all the avocados my mother had left this season.
Wife: (shocked) Why did you do that? You didn't leave her any?
Husband: She gave them all to me.
Wife: How many did you take?
Husband: One
"Do you know what I really fancied yesterday? I don't know why. And I did *have* some...
[ears on stalks, I am agog]
Tomatoes. I had one in my sandwich at lunchtime, I'm not sure I didn't have some in the morning. And then last night I saw one in my fridge, and I just thought, I've got to have that..."
Tomatoes??? Sheesh, I thought it was at least going to be fattening.
Thanks for sharing that - it's sooooo clever. And it brought back a lot of memories, including the commercials.
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
🙂 “When in doubt, throw doubt out and have a little faith….”
“Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
“Dear Good Luck, We’re not playing hide & seek. I searched for you for many years. It’s time to come out now.”
“Cause I’m a crepe
I’m a weirdough
What the hell am I
doughing here?
I donut belong here.”
—
“If you don’t strategically eat your food so that the last bites that go into your mouth are the tastiest, reconsider your life choices.”
—
🙂 “There’s no louder sound than the crunch of something you’re not supposed to be eating.”
“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”
“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”
“Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks.”
“Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal.”
🙂 “You can tell a lot about a man’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.”
🙂 “Ah, my butter half!”
“I ate 11 times, took 5 naps, and it’s still today.”
“Gangsta napper.”
“Never waste any time you can spend sleeping.”
“iSleep. There’s a nap for that.”
🙂 “Cats, naps and snacks.”
"Please rate your pain on a 0 to 10 scale. 0 being no pain; 10 being I just force fed you live scorpions then ripped off both your arms."
"There are 3 levels of pain: pain, excruciating pain, and stepping on a Lego."
🙂 "The pain will go away when it stops hurting."
🙂 "I wake up every day planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says, 'Haha good one!' and we laugh and laugh and take a nap."
“Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.”
“I run on caffeine, cats and swear words.”
🙂 “Go where the wifi is weak and the rum is strong.”
🙂 “We do not have wifi. Talk to each other. Pretend it’s 1995.”
“You don’t like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.”
🙂 “Be afraid. And do it anyway.”
“Packs 2 hours before leaving for a trip. Unpacks 3 months after coming home.”
“Watches Netflix happily. Remembers you need to pack. Watches Netflix stressfully.”
“Think outside. No box required.”
😇 “I’m a better person when I’m tan.”
😊 “I’m a travel addict on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m on the road to the airport.”
🙂 “Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
"Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they clap their hands when the plane lands."
“In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That’s the Wurst Käse scenario.”
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to anyone?”
(omg, so true!!...and why does it NEVER belong to me??)
"Good things come to those who book flights."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
🙂 "Going on a trip. Need about 5 outfits. I’ve packed 35 just to be safe."