mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driver’s licence…”
“Me: I want to travel more.
The bank account: Like, to the park?”
“Men to the left because women are always right.”
“Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a tan, fall in love, never return.”
“Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
“If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal.”
“When life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars.”
“I’m done adulting. Let’s be mermaids from now on!”
“I will conquer the world. Like, from here to the post box.”
🙂 “If travel would be free, you would never see me again. But it isn’t, so….what do we do tonight?”
“Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.”
“We are caught in a traffic jam of discursive thought.”
“Things there are no solution to: inflation, bureaucracy and dandruff.”
🙂 and 1 joke about security cameras. 4 elderly women are sitting outside on a bench.
“For sale: 4 surveillance cameras (old model).”
"We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't auto-correct."
"Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library."
"Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads."
🙂 "Inner peace: don't leave home without it."
"One day my wife's credit card got stolen...What a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!"
"Sometimes you just need to lay on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"When a character does something really stupid or embarrassing, I have to close the book and breathe for a second because I can feel their embarrassment."
🙂 and another joke about drowning:
Q: What's worse than a biscuit drowning in the tea?
A: The second biscuit on a rescue mission drowns, too.
don't worry, it's just a joke/quote.
here, definition of film:
a thin flexible strip of plastic or other material coated with light-sensitive emulsion for exposure in a camera, used to produce photographs.
If you saw a man drowning, would you save him or photograph...what type of film would you use...
What is film??
“Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.”
🙂 “I just stepped on a cornflake. Now, I’m officially a cereal killer.”
"Never give up, no matter how much ‘you gotta be friggin’ kidding me!’ life throws at you!”
🙂 “Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”
😇 “When I die I want my last words to be, ‘I left a million dollars under the…’”
"If you saw a man drowning and you could either save him or photograph the event...what kind of film would you use?"
“If someone tells me to ‘take it down a notch’, that guarantees an immediate 4 to 5 notch increase. Don’t try and de-notch me.”
“My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.”
“Sometimes the obstacles that need to be removed from your life have names…”
🙂 “Sometimes, the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.”
me: sometimes i talk to myself.
me: omg same.
❤️ "Reminder: your spirit needs recharging at least as often as your phone or laptop. Make time to reconnect with yourself."
"When life gives you lemons you tell life to get a life because lemons are a terrible gift."
"When life hands you lemonade, don't try to make lemons."
"A grapefruit is just a lemon that saw an opportunity and took advantage of it."
🙂 “When life gives you lemons squeeze one in your hair and go surf.”
“When life gives you lemons, make a lemon detox, and stay away from toxic people.”
🙂 "When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail."
"I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite."
"If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried."
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
"He was a dreamer, a thinker, a philosopher. Or, as his wife would have it, an idiot."
"Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck."
🙂 "Life gave me lemons." - Super-successful lemon farmer
“So, in all my lives as a dog, here’s what I learned. Have fun, obviously. Whenever possible, find someone to save and save them. Lick the ones you love.”
“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed. For, after all, he was only human. He wasn’t a dog.”
dear ali, to balance things out a bit, today we need some cat quotes. (otherwise who knows what kind of scratches i’ll get the next time i meet a cat) (i’m just thinking about my safety) (i bet they read what i post.)
❤️ 🙂 “In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause the most inconvenience.”
“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.”
(i’ll throw in 1 dog quote: “Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.”)
“Cats never listen. They’re dependable that way; when Rome burned, the emperor’s cats still expected to be fed on time.”
“If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer.”
🙂 “I read that when cats are cuddling and kneading you, and you think it’s cute, they’re really just checking your vitals for weak spots.”
"Hi, I'm Stopthat. Sometimes they call me 'Getbackhere'."
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea."
"Dogs are God's way of apologizing for your relatives."
“A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.”
"Never get into an argument with someone who types faster than you.”
“The best therapist has fur and four legs.”
“I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.”
“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.”
"Perhaps the noble of all rescue animals, the lavatory retriever."
"I want you to think 7.048239 inches outside the box."
"We have a surplus of solutions, so I need you to create a bunch of new problems."
"We're seeing a significant drop in customer complaints since we stopped answering our phones."
🙂 "Thinking outside the box didn't work. Thinking inside the box didn't work. Maybe it's a defective box!"