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❤️ 🙂 "People are making Apocalypse Jokes like there’s no tomorrow.”
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❤️ 🙂 "Hey, I can see my sanity from here! No wait, it’s just a rock.”

"Lost my mood ring. Not sure how I feel about it.”
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❤️ 🙂 

X: I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you.
Y: Is that you or the liquor talking?
X: It's me, talking to the liquor.

——
Dog speaking to his owner: Something happened in the kitchen and…I love you so much.

——
🙂 “I love you because you’re almost exactly like me, and I’m the best.”
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❤️ 🙂 "I run away from my problem. Actually, that’s my main problem.”

"Irony (noun). Drawing trees on paper.”
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❤️ 🙂 "I’m getting dirty looks from my laundry again.”

“Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.”

"As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.”
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❤️ 🙂 "Laundry today or naked tomorrow.”
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❤️ 🙂 "Will someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today please?”

🙂 "It’s been the worst day since yesterday.”

🙂 "The Monday-est Wednesday ever.”

🙂 “I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word ‘premeditated’ gets thrown around in the courtroom.”
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That last joke was not corrected, it was deleted.
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Dear Autocorrect,


That's not what I meant to say and I'm getting real tired of your shirt.
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The inventor of "auto-correct" has died.

The funnel will be tomato.
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Coworker: I don't want to do this work, I'm still tired from all the cross-fit this morning

Me: They're called croissants. And no wonder, I saw you eat at least 4.
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That was a true story. I hope someone got a laugh at my expense.
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Up at midnight, changing the sheets.
After returning to bed, I found a blotch of fresh blood soaking through to the mattress pad. Source unknown!
Hubs had to help me pull off the sheets, and was none too happy.
Still looking for the source.

Is this the way it happens? A slow aging decline, then all of a sudden, a bloody crisis? Am I going to die, I was thinking.

Oh, there is my new Red marking pen, cap off....
Laundry at 3 a.m., but it is not going to help.
That was a whole lot of red, on my Macy's Christmas sheets.
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🙂 "When you get angry, take a breath and count to ten. Throw a punch at eight. Nobody expects that.”
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❤️ 🙂 "Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but that would only make more laundry for me…”
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❤️ 🙂 

"Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there."

"Always remember to be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush."

"Find someone who makes you laugh in public...And scream in bed."

"Have you ever looked at someone and thought..."Yep...you have a person locked in your basement.""
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❤️ 🙂 some quotes about privacy, information security...

"For the sake of Information Security, everything on my resume is false."

"Information Security is a big deal at my office so sometimes we have to communicate in code. We have 37 different symbols for the word 'jerk'."

"I'm applying for the Information Security position. Here is a copy of my resume, encoded, encrypted and shredded."

"The boss is worried about Information Security, so he sends his messages one alphabet letter at a time in random sequence."

"For security purposes, the information should make no sense at all to spies and hackers. We'll bring in someone later to figure out what you meant."
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❤️ 🙂 some wise words…

“If you decorate your problem, you might not want to get rid of it.”

“Facebook. Because time isn’t going to kill itself.”

“I want to pause adulting and lower the difficulty.”

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

“Parenting hack. There are no hacks. Everything is hard. These kids don’t listen. This is your life now. Godspeed.”

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”

🙂 “Lots of problems begin with citing wikipedia.”
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❤️ 🙂

Me: I wanna go on a diet.

Food: Hahahaha no.
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❤️ 🙂 “You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.”

“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”

"If you smile when no one is around, you really mean it."
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❤️ 🙂 "If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have."

"Everyone has photographic memory, some just don’t have the film."

"How do you make a lawyer smile for a photo? Say "fees!""

🙂 🙂 “A body smiles, like, 72 times a day. Where does that smile go? That’s what I want to know.”

🙂 "Every smile makes you a minute younger."
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❤️ 🙂 “Don’t ignore your own potential.”
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❤️ 🙂 

“D.I.E.T…..Did I Eat That?”

“You only live once…lick the bowl!”

“If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner.”
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❤️ 🙂

“How to please a woman:
-love her
-die for her
-take her to dinner
-miss the game for her
-buy her jewelry
-be interested in what she has to say

How to please a man:
-show up naked”

———
“Woman’s Guide to Love and Relationships:
1. find a man who makes you laugh
2. find a man who has a good job and can cook
3. find a man who is honest
4. find a man who will pamper you with gifts
5. find a man who is awesome in bed
6. most of all - it is VERY important - that these five men never meet!”

——

🙂 “No woman has ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes.”
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❤️ 🙂 “Smile! Tomorrow will be worse.”

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”

🙂 “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”
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Good Morning Bundle!
It's only 5 a.m. so I am going back to sleep now to celebrate.
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❤️ 🙂 happy 4th of july :) :).

"Until further notice celebrate everything."

"Never stop showing someone how much they mean to you."

true story...
"I'm not even on drugs, I'm just weird." 🙂

"Celebrate how far you've come today." 🙂

"God proved two things when he brought us together: his genius and his sense of humour." ❤️ 
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🙂

“When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once."
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❤️ 🙂

“I think my soulmate might be carbs.”

“You complEAT me.”

🙂 “Donut worry, be happy.”

“Currently helping my kids find the chocolate that I ate last night.”

❤️ 🙂🙂 “My brain said ‘crunches’, but my stomach auto-corrected it to ‘cupcakes’.”
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❤️ 🙂 take a wild guess what i’ll be eating today…

“When life gives you pizza, eat it quickly before anyone realizes you have it.”

“This must be love at first slice.”

“Do good. Be nice. Order pizza. Repeat.”

🙂
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