I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
“Never sit around and wait for someone unless they’re delivering a pizza.”
“Worry less and eat more pizza.”
“If pizza can’t fix it, it’s a serious problem.”
“Keep your friends close, and your pizza closer.”
“In pizza we crust.”
🙂 “Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about finding pizza.”
"I doubt vodka is the answer but it’s worth a shot.”
“I just want my cat’s confidence.”
“Life happens. Pizza helps.”
“Less drama. More pizza.”
“I wonder if pizza thinks about me too.”
🙂 “Surround yourself with pizza, not negativity.”
"Dear Mom, if all of my friends decided to jump off a cliff, that would be my idea. Sincerely, your child is a leader, not a follower."
"I wonder how many calories people burn by jumping to conclusions?"
"So you're staying inside, practicing social distancing and cleaning yourself? Congratulations! You've become a house cat."
“Everyone runs around trying to find a place where they still serve breakfast because eating breakfast, even if it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon, is a sign that the day has just begun and good things can still happen.”
“If you look upon ham and eggs and lust, you have already committed breakfast in your heart.”
“No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for Before Coffee.”
"Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control."
"Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake."
"Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad."
🙂 "Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?"
🙂 "My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop."
"What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."
"How do trees access the internet? They log in."
"Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing."
"How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."
"Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted."
"Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize."
"You never know what you have, until you clean your closet."
"The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive."
"I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making."
"I'm too lazy to be lazy."
"Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.”
"There’s life without Facebook and internet? Really? Send me the link."
🙂
"Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number."
"Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday."
🙂 "Never judge a book by its movie."
"Never ask a starfish for directions."
🙂 "I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays."
true story. i fail every time:
"Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world."
true story:
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
also true story:
🙂 "If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around..."
"That awkward moment when you chew on someone else’s pen."
"That awkward moment when you accidentally call your boss ‘Honey’."
"That awkward moment when you throw something at your friend and it hits somebody else."
enough awkwardness for today...hug!
bundle of joy 🙂
"That awkward moment when you say ‘Goodbye!’ to someone, but you both walk off in the same direction."
"That awkward moment when you're ignoring a call and accidentally answer it."
"That awkward moment when you say the wrong answer aloud in class. Confidently."
🙂 "That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word."
"Clothes too dirty for the closet, but too clean for the laundry. Welcome to: THE CHAIR."
"Me: Treat yourself. Bank account: Don't treat yourself."
🙂 "Organized people are just too lazy to look for what they want."
i am currently in knee bend position, and picking up 64 cookies, which are going directly into my mouth.
"Can any medical person explain to me how a bladder infection and cognitive lucidity are connected?"
🙂 "Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain, and that's where your crappy ideas come from."
Answer is: Never hold your urine in.
❤️ "You should not attend even the end of the world without a good breakfast."
Now I understand...
🙂 "Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain, and that's where your crappy ideas come from."
Lol.
Filtered water.
That's been filtered through coffee grounds.
B: Goes to McDonald's. Orders Unhappy Meal.
B: If you feel depressed you shouldn't go out on the street because it will show on your face and you'll give it to others. Misery is a communicable disease.
B: Your opinion has been duly noted and immediately disregarded.
B: Why socialize when there's perfectly good wifi and food at home.
🙂
1. Notice that your body is covered in skin.
2. Say "Wow I'm skinny"
Congratulations you are now skinny."