I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
"Things I'm bad at:
singing.
Things I do a lot:
sing."
“Adulthood is straight up the worst hood I've ever lived in."
"That horrifying moment when you're looking for an adult and you realize that you are an adult. So you start looking for an adultier adult."
"I'm slowly becoming an adult...please make it stop."
"I don't want to adult today, I just want to dog. I'll be lying on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks."
"Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going."
"Beard (noun). A food storage device usually found on man's faces."
❤️ 🙂 "Adulthood is saying, 'But after this week, things will slow down a bit,' over and over until you die."
“Adulthood is like losing your Mom at the grocery store for the rest of your life.”
B: Will your drama…be having an intermission?
B: Row, row, row your boat…gently off a cliff.
A: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
B: And then?
B: 2026? I already hate it.
B: ‘Don’t worry, be happy.’? Are you new here?
B: I hate being negative…but I’m sooo good at it. 🙂
“If at first you don’t succeed, love your second child.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from other folks who didn’t succeed either.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘attempted’ murder.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, keep flushing.”
“Reality called so I hung up."
"If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it."
"Would you like a table?"
"No not at all. I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please."
“Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.”
“I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.”
“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
🙂
Be careful when stepping on toes, they may be attached to a butt you will soon have to kiss.
"When I was a kid, I used to watch two drops of rain roll down a window and pretend it was a race."
"Noah called. He picks us up in 10 minutes."
"My dog hates the rain. He doesn't want to step in a poodle."
"The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach."
"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"You never really learn to pray until your kids learn to drive."
(By the way, they do!)
"Dear Luck, Can we be friends in 2022?"
"Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant."
Man: A bit yeah. I had a medical check-up and apparently I'm 25% fat.
Woman: Is that bad?
Man: Yeah. It's more than some snacks.
"Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway."
"No one is listening until you fart."
🙂 "Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain, and that's where your crappy ideas come from."
"The best advice your mother ever gave you was 'Go! You might meet somebody!'"
"Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship might just mean that the other person was right about you."
"Two wrongs are only the beginning."
"If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."
"If you want to be criticized, marry."
"Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings."
"On the subject of singing, the frog school and the bird school disagree."
"Being a couch potato is not the same as being a failure. Being a failure implies that you were actually trying to do something."
"It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame."
"Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks."
🙂 "We all know one person who has a laugh that is funnier than the joke."
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.”
“Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.”
🙂 “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.'”
"Yeah...We're going to be short-staffed forever. So if you could just work yourself to death that'd be great."
"I'm still waiting for the day my parents will say, 'It's all fake. We are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble.'"
"Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it."
"Always run away from temptations...but slowly, so they can catch up to you."
"I see money in your future...it is not yours though."
"About time I got out of that cookie."
"Your mom says hi."
"You will travel to many exotic places in your lifetime."
"You are agreeing to the use of cookies."
"Buy a dolphin. Your life will have a porpoise."
"You will soon have an out of money experience."
"He who dies with most toys, still dies."
"OK to look at past and future, just don't stare."
"Probability of being seen is directly proportional to stupidity of act."
"Some days you are pigeon, some days you are statue. Today bring umbrella."
"Wise person never try to get even. Wise person get odder."
"Stop eating now. Food poisoning no fun."
"Drive like hell, you will get there."
"You are cleverly disguised as responsible adult."
"Your inferiority complex not good enough. Try harder."
"Tomorrow at breakfast, listen carefully: do what rice krispies tell you to."
etc.
(end of thinking capacity.)
It read:
Well butter my butt
and call me a biscuit.
LOOK WHO'S HERE!
What a wonderfully light way to great visitors :-)
"I wish my wallet came with free refills."
🙂 "I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now."
"What inspires you to get out of bed every day?"
Me: My bladder mostly.
"Hmmm, let's see. Which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?"
"You know it was a good day if you didn't hit or bite anyone."
"Summer...if you're not barefoot, then you're overdressed."
"Watch more sunsets than Netflix."
"A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp."
"Due to the coronavirus, my summer body will be postponed until 2023. Thank you for your understanding."
B: Practice random acts of...Grumpiness.