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🥰🙂
Never blame
someone else for the road you’re on.
That’s your own asphalt.
(4)
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I dusted once.

It came back.

I’m not falling for that again.
(2)
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The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine.
But you should at least check.
(3)
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🥰🙂
It turns out that when you’re asked who your favorite child is, you’re expected to pick from your own.
I know that now.
(2)
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🥰🙂
Finally fixed that annoying noise in my car,
I just opened the door and pushed him out.
(2)
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🥰🙂
If you'll give me a minute...
I think I can make this worse.
(1)
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😇🌸
After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone
and text everyone: "Thanks for coming."
(3)
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🙂
The most satisfying adult sentence:
"Yeah, I'm not going to do that."
(3)
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😇🌸
Someone is out there holding their breath
waiting on you to fail.
Make sure they suffocate.
(2)
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Your flexibility amazes me!
How did you get your foot in your mouth,
and your nose in my business,
all at the same time??
(3)
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🥰🙂
If you die and get cremated,
you can be put into an hourglass
and still be included in family game night.
(2)
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😇🌸
I don't have time
for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
(2)
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The three ages of human beings (it used to be ‘man’ before women had property rights):
1) Wanting stuff
2) Getting stuff
3) Getting rid of stuff.

Remembered because we are re-doing our wills!
(2)
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Just another Mucking Fonday!
(2)
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On this Monday, let’s ask…
What can go right today??
(2)
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Tomorrow (noun):

A mystical land where 99% of all human
activity, motivation and achievement is stored.
(2)
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😇🌸
Happy Monday!…Or rather, pre-pre-pre-pre-Friday!
(2)
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☕️☕️☕️
Coffee: Because Monday happened.
(2)
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😉
Monday hates you too.
(1)
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An older couple is sitting in church and the wife leans over to her husband and says;

"oh dear, I am so embarrassed, I just passed silent gas, what should I do?"

Her husband says, "That's not all, you need to change your hearing aid batteries too."
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

I’ve been having trouble sleeping, so I bought this tape of ocean waves…to help me fall asleep.

Just as I’m nodding off, I could hear…
“Hhhhelp!”
(2)
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on the topic of plane crashes.

stand-up comedian (man):

Everybody’s like, “Yeah…of course planes are crashing!…Yeah, well, because the pilots are all FEMALE, that’s why…Female pilots…Females can’t fly planes.”

stand-up comedian (man):

I don’t want to get into that narrative. I don’t think that it’s that women can’t fly. I think it’s that they can’t land.
(2)
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When you get testy, remember this helpful joke:
Men are only good for one thing. And how important IS parallel parking anyway?
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

This woman walked up to her husband and said, “Darling, I had a dream about my birthday. And in the dream, I dreamt about earrings, a bracelet and a necklace. What do you think that means?”

And he said, “Just wait till your birthday!!”

Then on her birthday, he gave her a package. She opened it and it was a book: “How to Interpret Dreams”.
(4)
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stand-up comedian (man):

I had a busy week. I finally got GPS. I got the cheapest one they had. Just a woman’s voice telling me to pull over and ask for directions.
(4)
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Caregiving tools:

You need a cell phone? Get one.
A computer/chromebook? Get one.
Don't be cheap about it.

It may no longer be acceptable or sustainable to sacrifice so much to caregive for
the person needing care, but they HAVE everything they need.

I-Phone
5 Computers
12 remotes
20 earbuds

It is okay to take care of business.
E v e r y t h i n g d o e s n o t h a v e t o b e e q u a l,
but one person should not be suffering going without.

I am the equalizer bunny today.
(3)
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😉
Live each day like it's your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.
(3)
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😇🍋🍋🍋
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
(3)
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🥰🙂
Don’t hate Monday.
Make Monday hate you.
(3)
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Why you should never order animal food on Amazon...they want your feedback in a couple days.
(3)
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