I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
B: The best things in life are...Annoying.
B: Don't let the world...Cheer you up.
B: I've lived 9 lives...And this is the worst."
B: Shortest horror story: ...Monday.
B: Monday, a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
B: Monday: we meet again.
B: Yuck. I stepped on some happiness.
10 Lazy Rules:
1. The farther away the remote is, the more you like what's already on TV...
2. If you spill water, it'll eventually dry.
3. Don't charge your phone till it says 5% remaining...
4. Screw the "terms and conditions." Just hit Accept.
5. If it's not on the 1st search page on Google, it doesn't exist...
6. Bundle of Joy is way too lazy to type out lazy rule number 6.
7. Roses are red. I'm going to bed.
8. If you drop an ice cube, just kick it under the fridge.
9. What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats.
10. Nike: Can't someone else just do it?
(last continuation of previous post below). more grumpy cat quotes:
B: Love is in the air? Get out the gas mask.
B: I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
B: I'm on Pinterest. I hate it.
B: Even from this angle, I still hate you.
B: One year closer to death...Good.
B: Republicans are red, Democrats are blue...neither of them cares about you.
B: I heard Santa on the roof. So I turned on the fireplace.
🙂 B: It's Saturday. Movement is optional.
B: A little bird told me it's your birthday...I ate him.
B: My dream job would be...driving the Karma bus.
B: I'm not saying I hate you, but I often catch myself fantasizing about you being attacked by honey badgers, barefoot in a desert of lego bricks near a Justin Bieber Concert. Just Saying.
B: I'm not angry. I'm happiness challenged.
B: I purred once. It was awful.
B: Life is full of questions. Idiots are full of answers.
--
B: Monday: The day humans hate the most. Too bad it's almost over.
--
B: I don't waste time thinking about what might be wrong with me. Instead, I prefer to focus on what's wrong with you.
--
B: Let's just assume everything you've done until now...is wrong.
--
B: Your face. It's breathing my air...Stop it.
--
B: I'm glad that I'm on TV. Now the nation knows that I hate them.
--
Someone gives grumpy cat a big hug.
B: I would ask you to kill me now, but I fear not even death will destroy this memory.
--
B: You went to the beauty parlor? What happened? Were they closed?
--
B: Everything the light touches...I hate it.
--
"Hit me baby one more time."
B: With pleasure.
--
B: Don't be racist. Hate everyone.
--
B: I came, I saw, I complained.
🙂
--
B: The elections? I hope they all lose.
--
B: You woke up early this morning and can't go back to sleep? Good.
--
"I just called to say I love you."
B: Wrong number.
--
B: Why look for intelligent life on other planets? We don't even have it here.
🙂
😶🌫️😶🌫️🥶🥶😶🌫️😶🌫️
two cats talking, A and B (grumpy).
A: So, tell me what has been bothering you.
B: Life.
—
A: Smiles are contagious!
B: Don’t worry, I’m vaccinated.
—
“Dear whoever is reading this, you’re young, you’re beautiful, and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile because life is too short to be unhappy.”
B: No.
—
A: I just feel like the whole world hates me sometimes.
B: They do.
—
A: Love is an open door.
B: Close it.
—
B: Want to see my favorite street sign? “Goa Way”.
—
Cartoon. Alice in Wonderland.
Queen: Off with her head.
B: I LOVE this movie.
—
A: I think you’re pretty.
B: Thanks.
A: I wish there was something between us.
B: Me too.
A: Really?! Like what?
B: A wall.
—
B: I had fun once. It was awful.
—
“This girl is on fire.”
B: Good. Let me get my marshmallows.
—
A: Don’t stop believin’.
B: I never started.
🙂
Lettuce alone!
UGH;-/
"Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak."
"This lettuce DIED...just so you could be a vegetarian. Have a heart, eat a rock."
🙂 "We don't have any vegetable jokes yet. So if you do lettuce know."
“I came, I saw, and I forgot what I was doing.”
“I like cooking my family and my pets.
Use commas. Don’t be a psycho.”
“A perfect metaphor for my life would be ‘someone trying to stand up in a hammock.’”
“What the heck are birds so excited about at 5 am?”
🙂 "What if the hokey pokey...really is what it's all about?"
"WTF (where's the food)."
"May the fork be with you."
🙂 "Don't be afraid to take whisks."
"Vegetarian is an old word for bad hunter."
"Whoever said I can't cook has obviously never tasted my cereal."
🙂 "I have learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly."
❤️ "That's a horrible idea...What time?"
"Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done."
"I know Victoria's secret."
"Dear YouTube, I will always skip ads."
"I wish I could donate my body fat to those in need."
"My daily routine: get up, be brilliant, go back to bed, repeat."
🙂 "I'm brave enough to listen to my heart."
"When I text someone, and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from excitement."
🙂 "To be honest, I get a little nervous right before I say Worcestershire sauce."
🤔 "Being myself is what got me to where I am."
"I like anyone who loves the me in me!"
"I'm wondering who ate my bowl of sunshine this morning?"
🏃♀️ "I've never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I ever need to know about that."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me! I'm afraid of widths."
❤️ "I'm going to make the rest of my life the best of my life."
🙂 "I'd be much healthier if I didn't have taste buds!"
"I came. I saw. I made it awkward."
🙂 "I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, but if you'd like to see me as someone who is funny, gorgeous, rich, and famous, that's fine with me."
"The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza."
"Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties. Because he's such a fungi."
"Pizza (noun). The only love triangle I want."
"If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza."
🍕 "Have a slice day!"
🙂 “The 'let's order a pizza' people are the kind of people I wanna be around."
“Puddle (noun). A small body of water that attracts other small bodies wearing dry shoes.”
I will never forget the look on the cashier's face as she scanned thr bird seed and I asked how long would it be before the birds showed up after planting.
🙂 “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult…”
Thanks! Yes, I do need cheering up. The problems we faced yesterday, my wife and I, was like a day from hell! :(
Dang, I could tell you other problems as well, but you may not want to hear about those.
The statement below is not helpful.
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
🥟🍤🍣🥩🍳🧀🥨🍖
🥐🥚🥖🥞🧇🥧🍪🍿
"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch."
here are some quotes:
🤦 "When you're feeling sad, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a moron pushing a door that said pull."
"I have no words to describe this day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures."
"Dear life, when I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge."
🙂 “Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.”
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
🙂 "Whenever you feel sad just remember that there are billions of cells in your body and all they care about is you."
This only works when you are young! The stories I could tell even on days with no arguing in which my wife was having a bad day.
🙂 "Dear food, stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.”
“I wonder if pizza thinks about me too.”
"I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me."
"After you, hell should be easy."
"50 shades of tired."
"I would call my fashion style: 'clothes that still fit'."
"If you're arguing with me and I say 'woowww', abort mission and run for your life."
🙂 "If you can't say something nice, say it in French."
🙂 "When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying, 'I hid the body...now what?'"