I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
A perfect man:
-wakes up at 5 am every day
-exercises daily
-makes his own bed
-cleans his room
-works sincerely
-does not touch alochol
-helps in the kitchen
-does not indulge in night life
-is always punctual
-prays daily
-reads
-hits the bed at 9 pm sharp
Where do you find such perfect men?
Answer: Jail
"Of course women don't work as hard as men...They get it right the first time."
"Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown and being fat, everything is great. Thanks."
"Only a few more mental breakdowns until the new year. C'mon people, we can do this."
🙂 "Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars."
🙂 “Nothing messes up your Friday, like finding out it’s Tuesday.”
“I googled my symptoms. Turns out I just need a vacation.”
“It’s very impolite to keep a vacation waiting.”
“How to have a beach body: 1. Have a body. 2. Go to the beach.”
“My favorite memory from childhood is my parents paying for my holidays.”
I was talking with my prescription mail order person on the phone the other day. She began calling me John sir. Then, she changed to sir John. Then she alternated between the two during out 20-minute conversation but stuck with sir John.
When I thanked her for going the extra mile by calling my doctor's office for the authentification, her response was yes, we love, oh, I mean we care for our customers that much.
ha, ha, ha, called sir John and told I was loved and cared for by an insurance company representative on the phone. That made my day! My wife and I laughed about that.
I hope you find this something to laugh about also
"Dear 2022, first of all, I would like to let you know I'm typing this with my middle finger."
"Why does everything in my life have to be such a complicated disaster?"
"Disaster movie (noun). Always starts with the president ignoring a scientist."
"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark."
🙂 "Our disaster plan goes something like this, 'Help, help, help.'"
🙂 "In the event of a tornado, or other natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first."
"Dear Lord, all I ask is for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't make me a bad person."
"Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong."
"Dear Dreams, stop ending right when I get to the best part!!!"
"Dear Diary, today my friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I will need: 1. New friends."
"Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl's best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake."
"Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt."
"Yeah, I know. I hate me too."
"I’m actually a very hardworking person. Almost everything becomes harder when I’m the one working on it."
"Am I a good person? No. But do I try to make myself a better person each day? Also no."
"Using the "y=mx+b" formula, to calculate the slope at which my life is going downhill."
"To the powers that be, if it’s inevitable that something bad must happen to me, at least make it funny."
❤️ "You’re guessing that out of the 7 billion people here on Earth, I’m going to chase someone who doesn’t even like me? Well, watch me closely because that’s exactly what I’m going to do."
Scroll to the top of any thread that you are "following".
Your downfall came when you posted here on March 22nd. That signed you up to "FOLLOW"
Just below the title, to the left, click "Unfollow".
Then go to your "settings". Click on "Following.
Click "Unfollow" the people you are following that regularly post on this thread.
That should limit the times the thread will show up in your "news feed", until the next time you post here. When you post on a thread, you are automatically following that thread.
You may know all of this already, but maybe it will help others.
"Hi, I finished my free trial of adulthood and I'm no longer interested, so I want to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?"
"My spirit animal is a slightly deranged unicorn who has a mission to poke holes in all of the annoying people."
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, plus a social media overreaction."
"I don't understand how I remember every word from a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I went to the kitchen."
🙂
"It's Saturday...Time to be a hero and rescue some wine trapped in a bottle."
"This year went by so fast I didn't get a chance to lose weight."
🙂 "If you can help anybody even a little, be glad."
🙂 True story. "I never give up. It doesn't matter what the score is."
"I have lived with several zen masters - all of them cats."
"Coffee in one hand, confidence in the other."
"Dear boyfriend, I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can. Sincerely, Spiders."
"Let's cuddle so I can steal your body heat."
"Sometimes I look at my boyfriend and think...Damn, he is one lucky man."
"If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo, never let them go..."
"I promise to be always by your side. Or under you. Or on top." ❤️
🙂 "Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever."
“Wishing a very Happy Friday the 13th to the superstitious souls who think that what can happen on Friday the 13th cannot happen on Saturday the 14th.”
“I am not afraid of Friday the 13th, but I am certainly afraid of the people who are afraid of Friday the 13th .”
🙂 "Lead me not into temptation...Oh, who am I kidding? Follow me, I know a shortcut."
"I feel very optimistic about the future of pessimism."
"The closest anyone comes to perfection is on a job application form."
"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."
"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway to the human spirit."
"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist the parachute."
"When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults."
🙂 "A brand new day! This could be the start of something average."
Per usual, he got very dramatic, yelling, I’m going to jump! I’m going to jump if you don’t tell me you love me right now!”
I immediately went down to the front desk, roused the manager and told him how extreme the argument had gotten, that my boyfriend is threatening to jump!
we are on the 8th floor!
manager says, “it is not my problem”
I said, “It is your problem! The window is STUCK”
"I just want to stay in bed until the word ends? Is that too much to ask?"
"At the end of a long day, I love getting in bed and turning off the lights so I can spend 8 hours thinking about every mistake I've ever made."
"It takes 37 muscles to frown but it only takes zero muscles to shut the f*ck up."
"Unfair. When a dog lays on the floor all day it's 'adorable'. But when I do it I'm 'depressed'."
"Instagram is a great place to look at pictures of the fake lives of all the people you hate."
"The more inspirational quotes someone posts, the more I worry about them."
"Monday hates you too."
"Don't worry. But also don't be happy."
"Sometimes I drain my entire phone battery before even getting out of bed."
"I would love you if you were pizza."
"Please don't talk to me until I've had enough coffee to kill me."
"Never. Give up."
"Date someone who is too good for you, and pray they never find out."
"Don't be afraid of things that are different from you. Be afraid of things that are just like you because you are terrible."
"Wish you weren't here."
"Dogs have no idea what's going on and I am so jealous of them."
"There's someone for everyone except for you."
"Life update: still a disaster."
"Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt."
"Don't make me an optimist! You'll ruin my life."
"Always put 'accomplished none of my goals today' on your to-do list. This way, you'll be able to say you at least accomplished one task."
"A pessimist is alone. An optimist is always two people away from having a threesome."
Not a joke.. really.. but maybe others enjoy watching Eurovision like me! (my guilty pleasure).
Extra points & laughs for Cray-cray costume! Wacky headwear! Customer reveals! Smoke machine! Giant drum!
Look out in 2022 for glitter face shields, bananas & wolves!
🤣🤣🤣
The weather in Space News is acting up, which can even cause radio and electronic blackouts, and affect heart health and one's psychological well-being.
So, no, you are not going crazy, it is temporary. I don't even own a tin hat, but do observe the science.
But the cure might be humor.
Means we all need some seriously good humor.
Thanks Boj for amping it up. I appreciated the pessimistic jokes.
"Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path."
"Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck."
"I'm not pessimistic. I'm optimistic that a bunch of crappy things will continue to happen."
"Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee and then after that still please don't talk to me."
"Better grab my dumbrella. It's really stupid out there today."
"Always believe that something wonderful will probably never happen."
"HAPPY FRI...Wait it's Thursday. Son of a..."
side-comment from bundle of joy:
hugs to all of you on the forum!! 🙂 courage!! and...just to say...sometimes we have different opinions on various topics: it's OK. 🙂 maybe that's even GREAT. somewhere in variety = it helps a variety of people. for example, you've never met me, but i look pretty much like a panda (i have cute little paws, typing on a computer; your typical panda). in other words, what helps me is panda advice and who could have guessed that? see? we're all different, with different opinions. it's OK. 🙂
🙂 back to some jokes:
❤️
"You know you are a caregiver when the first thing you think of when you wake up is where’s the oxygen?
You know you are a caregiver when you pick the restaurant based on how close the bathroom is to the door from the parking lot.
You know you are a caregiver when it takes 3 hours to watch a normal length movie because of all the bathroom breaks.
You know you are a caregiver when it’s 1 pm and you haven’t brushed your teeth and are still in your pj’s because you haven’t had a chance to stop.
You know you are a caregiver when the power goes out and the only thing you are worried about is how you’re going to get your mom out of the reclined position of the electric lift chair.
You know you are a caregiver when you tell your husband, 'I got the kids their milk and insulin’ and your kids aren’t diabetic.
You know you are a caregiver when you are sharing your screen during a web meeting at work and an ad for incontinence supplies is displayed on your screen.
You know you are a caregiver when you get excited about UPS dropping a package at your door and it’s a portable commode.
You know you are a caregiver when you are so proud about ideas like making the portable potty also a desk chair to encourage your mom to write."
❤️
"Procrastinator? No. I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser."
🙂 "Don't rush me, I'm waiting for the last minute."
"I used to just crastinate, but I got so good that I went pro!"
"Procaffinating. Drinking coffee while procrastinating." ❤️
"Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please scratch my butt? Thanks! I'm in public, and can't do it myself."
🙂 "Sometimes when dealing with people, you can't help but stop and think, 'Yup, I'm about to make my first voodoo doll.'"
"Whoever has my voodoo doll, please take some of the stuffing out, I'm trying to lose weight! Thanks a million!"
🙂 "My room isn't messy. It's an obstacle course designed to keep me fit. Smart!"
"Acupuncture. Proof that stabbing someone can make things better."
okey-dokey, everyone 🙂 on this forum, i'm in a cafe, and will order some positivi-tea. have a great day!!
bundle of joy ❤️