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“There’s only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don’t want two of you around.”
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:) “My entire life can be summed up in one sentence…‘Well, that didn’t f*cking go as planned.’”
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:) “If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.”
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“For some reason, everything is funnier if you’re not allowed to laugh.”
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“A virgin getting pregnant, I can believe. But three wise men?”
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"They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm making as many as possible. I'll soon be a genius."
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"A friend will be there with tissues...But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat, shouting, 'Who hurt you and do I need a shovel?'"
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Young son: Why did God create women with two breasts? One would have been enough.

Dad: no answer
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Doctor explains to patient:

When we cut you open, your insides were a mess. So we rearranged your organs to maximize your feng shui.
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Two friends outside. One is holding up a big sign, “TAKE ME!”

She explains:

In this economy, alien abduction is the only vacation I can afford.
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“I like long walks. Especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.”
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A dog with a big smile:

:) Hi! My name is Stopthat. Sometimes they call me Getbackhere.
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“There are two kinds of people: (1) Happy morning people. (2) Cranky morning people who fantasize about killing the morning people.”
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"Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people."
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"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize."
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:) "I'd rather walk on sunshine than on eggshells."
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:) "My week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday."
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:) "Does running away from Monday count as cardio?"
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:) haha ok. wise, very wise.
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I want to come over for dinner, Bundle of Joy.

But I’ll cook.

Poodle
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:) "Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my cereal."
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:) "Keep a fork with you at all times, just in case cake happens."
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:) "I love pizza so much that even when I eat pizza, I want pizza."
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:) "After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relatives."
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"I read recipes in the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
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:) "Don't be afraid to take whisks."
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:) hi! for people who know me (bundle of joy) in real life...
they all know that i'm a terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible cook (was that enough r's?). i just want to kindly eliminate doubt.

-my dogs know it
-my cats know it
-my friends know it
-i lived in many countries (every country i lived in, knows it)
-i don't know it

anywayyyy, i want to point out the positive:

"Many have eaten my cooking and gone on to lead normal lives."
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:) "On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday on Earth."
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:) "Hello Monday. Let's do this."
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"Of course it's Monday. This isn't my Friday face."
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